"Thank you for coming in today. How have you been feeling?" Mac asks as she clicks on the end of her pen a few times.
"Can you not?" I snap at her.
"Excuse me, can I not what?" she asks puzzled.
"The pen, just stop. The repetitive noise is irritating. Speaking of irritation, I'm constantly finding myself frustrated and just the other day I considered driving my car straight into a brick wall just to feel something other than miserable. Honestly, I kind of wished you had left the tumor in. I was at least managing to get by in life and my kid didn't hate me back then. I- why can't I fucking filter anything!" I ramble on before getting frustrated with myself. I bury my head in my hands and sigh. "Mac I can't go on like this... if something doesn't give soon I'm going to go over the edge of the metaphorical cliff I'm standing on."
She gives me a nod while taking some notes. "I'm here to help you Hayden, have you considered speaking with a psychiatrist?"
"Like a shrink, yeah I have."
"No I mean someone who specializes with neurological disorders but treating them as well." she clarifies.
"I mean Layla prescribed medications and my current doctor changed medications a few years ago... except I don't need them anymore." I say tapping my fingers against the arm of the chair. The room feels like it's shrinking. Just breathe Hayden, just breathe.
"That is true. Would you be open to it if I referred you to my colleague?" she asks.
Honestly it might be nice to talk to someone who doesn't have my old record of being diagnosed with schizophrenia and violent tendencies. "Sure. Can I go now, I can't stand being in this room much longer." I tell her.
"Sure, sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable." she says handing me a card.
"It's not you Mac, it's me."
I walk out before she can say anything else. I feel like I'm on the extreme end of the emotional spectrum. I've always felt things very deeply, but I've always been able to mask my emotions.
Until now.
I make it outside and I lean up against the brick building. I take a look at the card.
Dr. Reed, M.
Neurologist M.D.
Psychiatrist M.D.
~~~~
*Billie's POV*
"Triad is a thing. It's very rare to see that but it does exist." my lawyer says over the phone.
"Ok cool, I'm still wanting to do that. I just have a few more things to consider before I commit." I tell her raking my fingers through Blake's hair as he sleeps.
I don't want to take him from her, but I do want to be a more permanent fixture in his life. He starts to stir and I quickly hang up as he opens his eyes. He seems, sad.
"Hey what's wrong bubbie?" I ask.
"I miss mommy." he replies.
Fuck, my heart. "I miss her too-" I start to say.
"Can we go see her?" he asks.
Shit. She texted me earlier saying she had appointments all day and that she'd be unavailable. "Not today bubbie."
"But you promised we could see her anytime I wanted." he says.
Dammit. He's right.
"I'll see if she can talk okay?" I say trying to reason with him.He just nods. I send a quick text to Hayden.
B
-have a minute? Blake has been asking for you-
Hayden 💜
-I'm in between appointments, so I have 15 minutes tops-
I press the call button and hand my phone to Blake. His face lights up when he sees his mom on the other side, but it turns into sadness when she doesn't have the same enthusiasm as he does. She notices it too and tries to fake a smile, but he sees right through it and hangs up handing me my phone back. He grabs his stuffed giraffe and curls up next to me on the couch.
I play with the short hairs on his neck. "She loves you bubbie. She just needs a little help from her doctors."
"Okay." he says quietly, squeezing his giraffe a little tighter. Seeing him like this is breaking my heart.
"I love you bubbie..." I tell him.
"I love you Bee." he whispers.
a/n: short ch because I can. Didn't feel right adding more to it.
Do you know what it's like to be depressed? Baby, Hayden is tryingggggggg.
Ok best midnight snack, anddd go!
I also realized I forgot to tell you guys in the last ch that I loved you... so here's an extra dose of love from me to you bubbies 💕💗💓💞💖
