*Hayden's POV*
First appointment with a new psychiatrist, this is going to go great. Can you sense my sarcasm oozing out?
"Miss Grey, Dr. Reed will see you now." the receptionist says. I rise from my chair and follow her to a private room and see the doctor facing away from me.
"Just have a seat wherever your comfortable Hayden." she says. Her voice sounds familiar, but I can't put my finger on how I know it.
Then she turns around and it clicks.
M. Reed.
Morgan Reed.
As in my ex from college Morgan Reed.
The ex I nearly strangled to death.
"Morgan?" I ask shocked that she'd even considering accepting me as a patient. "Wait isn't it a conflict of interest for you to treat me?"
"It's only a conflict if you make it one Hayden... if you're more comfortable seeing someone else in the practice I can arrange for that." she says as she sits relaxed in the chair across from me.
I shake my head, "No it's fine..."
She props her head against the palm of her hand. "Alright so Dr. Jackson tells me, you had a history of violence and schizophrenia due to a tumor, but that's been resolved?" she questions me.
I give her a small nod. "Yes that's correct."
"Alright so, what brings you here today?" she asks with a furrowed brow. She seems to be intently listening.
"Where do I start... I should be happy but I'm not. I have moments where I am happy, but lately they're few and far between. When they happen, they're almost... overwhelming. It's like all of my emotions are tangled. When I'm not happy, like right now for instance, I feel a combination of being angry with a massive dose of self-loathing." I say pausing for a moment, because even just saying all this out loud is a lot to process.
"I woke up from the surgery unable to filter my thoughts, I fear nothing- not even death, and I have a family that I need to care for but I can't if I keep feeling like this. The other day... I strongly considered driving off of a cliff." I say scared of her judging me.
"Why did you want to drive off of a cliff?" she questions.
"I sad, angry, and I just feel like I'm feeling everything and nothing all at once." I let out a sigh before continuing. "I laughed when my dad threatened to take my son from me. Like, full on ugly laughing. Normally when my dad would say he'd do something he'd follow through on it, so I knew it wasn't an empty threat."
She furrows her brow and chews on her lip for a split second. "Hmm, so here's what I'm gonna do for you... I'm gonna prescribe a low grade anti depressant for the time being, but I want to keep meeting with you on a weekly basis before I give a formal diagnosis. How does that plan sound?"
"That's fine with me. Thank you Morgan, I really appreciate you seeing me. I, um... I'm sorry for how I treated you back then." I start to apologize but she stops me, holding up her hand.
"I forgave you a long time ago Hayden." she says giving me a small smile before handing me a script. I give her a small nod in return.
Maybe getting help won't be so bad...
~~~~
I take that back.
Second session is horrible.
I can't stop crying to save my life. I'm not even sad, but damn my body thinks I am. Morgan hands me a box of tissues and just listens to my incessant crying. I'm half expecting her to roll her eyes out of annoyance because I'm being a little bitch, but she doesn't. She just keeps her focus on me, intently observing me.
"I'm sorry you probably think I'm a mess of a person who deserves to feel this way for all the shitty things I've done." I say in between sobs.
She shakes her head. "No. On the contrary, I don't think you deserve to feel the way you do. I think you're struggling with identifying and controlling your emotions." she says before taking a pause to collect her thoughts. "Have you heard of displacement disorder?"
I give her a dumbfounded look. "I'm sorry what?"
"Displacement disorder." she repeats once more before sighing. "The best way I can describe it is your brain has boxes it keeps all its emotions in. You have a box for anger, a box for sadness, a box for joy, and so on and so forth. Say you have something happen that makes you sad, under normal conditions you'd typically feel sadness and maybe even cry. With displacement disorder your emotions have been dumped out and your brain is having difficulty putting your emotions back into the corresponding box. So instead of feeling sad and crying, you might have an outburst, you might even have a different reaction and laugh at inappropriate times. Does that make sense?" she clarifies.
I give her a slow nod. I do understand what she's saying but I'm also taking a moment to process things.
"Ok good. Not to hit you with another dose of reality but I strongly believe you're going through a stint of episodic depression. This can usually be triggered by the body going through a traumatic event. You recently had brain surgery correct?" she asks.
"Yes." I mean she works closely with Mac,
"That could have been the event that triggered you... I'm not sure though. Have you ever experienced episodes of depression before?"
"I have but not to this extent. The last time was probably when my late wife passed... does this run in families?"
"I mean it can especially with competitive siblings, but not always. More often than not, it's just chemical imbalances in the brain."
"How long until I'm back to normal?" I ask her. I can't live the rest of my life walking on eggshells around the people that I love for fear of hurting them.
"It could be a week, a month, and even up to a year. Typically depression subsides and the displacement disorder will resolve on its own, I usually approach it with behavior therapy. Since you have mentioned self-harm, I'd like to keep you on the anti-depressants until further notice." she says before checking her watch.
"It looks like that's time for today. This week I'd like you to do some meditation and really try to relax. Maybe even try doing some activities you know you like." she tells me giving me a reassuring smile.
I don't even know what I like doing anymore. My life for the past four years has been about my son, occasionally painting, and now Billie is back. Oh and let's not forget my dad, who's literally only around in emergencies. Just thinking right now is overwhelming.
I text my assistant and tell her to meet me at the studio and to prep one of the black canvases. On my way there I pick up some gold spray paint, I'm feeling like glitter and gold today.
Wait, those are happy art supplies. I've never used glitter in my life.
Does that mean?
Is the medication working?
Stop thinking Hayden and just roll with it.
I take a moment to just enjoy feeling something other than the crippling emotionless feeling I had been experiencing. It only lasts for a split second until I'm brought back to reality by a tiny fist hitting my thigh.
a/n: thank you to A_Adair2035 for letting me use this as a title, among the other things you've helped out with on this chapter. I thank you and appreciate you. Also go read her book because it's fucking fire.
Also update on the puzzle, I found the last piece that I thought I'd lost. It was on the other side of my house... I have no idea how it got there.
Do any of you like it when it rains? Like, do you ever go outside with the full knowledge and intention of getting completely soaked in the rain and enjoy it? Or is that just me?
Sorry for the long a/n, I love you bubbies 💕 stay safe.
