Week one on the double dose, I was fine. Week two on the double dose, and I feel like I'm a zombie going through the motions. Bubbie can tell I'm not on top of things and is suuuper fussy. So much so, that he's refusing bananas... I pick him up to try and comfort him and his little body is radiating so much heat. Seems like he has a... a fever.
Shit.
My brain is so foggy that I can't think clearly. I hold a fussy bubbie against my chest and call my mom. It's not like i have many people to turn to these days.
"Hey sweetie, how are you and Blake doing?" she asks.
"I'm fine... just a little off lately. And he's-"
"Fussy. I'll be over in an hour." she says obviously able to hear him. Before I can say no, she hangs up.
At this point he's throwing a full blown tantrum and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I bundle bubbie up in the softest blanket I can find and hold him close while I sway back and forth. It breaks my heart that he doesn't feel well. I start to softly sing the first thing that comes to mind, a song I heard a few days ago.
"I'm not okay, I feel so scattered. Don't say I'm all that matters..."
With that he falls asleep in my arms. Then there's a knock at the door. You've got to be kidding me... I feel him stir a bit, but he doesn't wake up. I quietly tip toe through my house, avoiding the few squeaky places in the floor. I open the door and immediately bring a finger to my lips, my mom gets the hint and whispers.
"I stopped by the store on the way here."
I simply nod and let her in.
"Here give him to me." she says holding her hands out. "Go take a long hot shower and relax."
Minutes later, I'm letting the scalding water of the shower hit my back as I revel in the feeling of getting clean. I wrap a towel around my damp body and go to detangle my hair, but something catches my eye. I look at my hand and see that I'm still wearing my wedding band.
She's gone.
She's not gonna walk through the front door.
You're not gonna wake up from this dream.
I pull the ring off of my finger and toss is in the top drawer of my dresser. My thumb rubs over where it used to sit. It feels so... empty. I pull on some fresh clothes and return to the living room, leaning against her door frame. The sight in front of me is a sweet one. My mom is reading my favorite children's book. I smile at the memories I have of her reading it to me and Parker every time one of us asked, and if she didn't let me flip the pages I would get really mad and make her start over.
I let out a small chuckle and it breaks my moms attention. "Oh you're back already."
"Mhm. So much for a good nap for you huh bubbie..." I say picking him up, he's finally not cranking a fever like he was before.
"He's teething by the way... that's why he's so grumpy and running a fever." my mom says. Why didn't I think of that? Probably because I didn't read the 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' book that Layla told me to. Maybe I should rethink that...
"I had to adjust my medication, that's kind of why I'm not on top of things." I admit to my mom.
"Medication for what sweetie?"
Shit. I never told her about the schizophrenia.
"Mom I never told you, but I uh- I hear voices and see things that aren't there. That's the main reason Layla and I decided she should be the one to carry and not me... it was to protect this little guy from turning out exactly like me." I say avoiding eye contact with her.
"Hayden... why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you'd do exactly what you're doing right now, pity me. I don't want a pity party mom." I say while her expression changes.
Pity party.
Pity party.
Pity party.
"Look, thank you for coming and helping out I appreciate it. Just- can you please go? Today isn't a good day." I ask her. She gives me a sad look and nods before getting up.
"I love you Hayden. I always have, I'm sorry I didn't show it much. Please, just don't shut me out." she says giving me a kiss on the cheek and kissing little mans forehead. I simply nod. She knows I'm not upset with her, I just need my space.
~~~~
I want Blake to be his own person when he gets older. I want him to be brave, selfless, smart, kind, and honest. I slip on some boots, scoop him up, and take him to the barn.
His eyes light up when we go inside. I take him straight to Gabriel and pet him, showing Blake that it's ok. Bubbie reaches out and copies my petting motion giggling as he feels the soft hair beneath his hand.
I probably should have brought something to put him in so I could get my work done... oh well. I make sure all the stables are closed before I let him crawl around on the floor. I'll just give bubbie a bath later. I get the rounds done and sit down on the ground and bubbie pulls himself up just grinning at me. I cup his tiny face and kiss the top of his head, "I love you so much bubbie."
He babbles some nonsense right back at me and it warms my heart.
My phone vibrates ruining the moment. I keep one hand on bubbie, holding him steady as I check my phone with the other.
Trey
-Heard you were back in the studio. I don't want to rush you, but there's a mile long list of people wanting to commission you. Hope you're doing well.-
H
-yeah I was. Let me figure a few things out and I'll be in touch. Just a warning, I'm going to be really picky about what pieces I do.-
Trey
-I wouldn't expect anything less-
I slide my phone back into my pocket and scoop bubbie up. "Alright little man, it's bath time for you."
a/n: more of a filler ch.
