"Come on! One more time! You got this Hays!" my dad coaches me through my PT exercises. This is only week one of at home PT and I already want to quit. Physically I'm not doing bad, just need to regain my strength from being in the hospital for a hot minute. The real kicker is going to be the mental exercises.
My knee buckles underneath me and my dad catches me before I hit the floor. I don't wanna do this anymore. How can I be a good parent for my son if I can't even take care of myself?
"Fuck! This is bullshit!" I shout as I shove my dad away, finishing my descent to the wooden floor beneath me. I adjust my body so I'm sitting against the wall, my knees pulled to my chest. My dad takes a seat next to me and just embraces the silence between us for a little while.
"Why did you say that fuck shit that I was like mom?" I ask confronting him.
"Because she used to resent the fact I worked out of town. She was pissed that I did, but then treated me even worse when I was around. Trust me, I wanted to be there for you and your sister... I guess I could have gotten a job closer to home. What you said to me at the hospital, reminded me of the shit your mom used to say to me." he confesses.
I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but even so, I still did. "I'm sorry that I hurt you." I say and he wraps an arm around me letting me curl into his side.
"You don't have to apologize Hays, I deserved that from you. I should have been around more for you and Parker... I'm sorry that I wasn't." he says genuinely meaning every word.
He's never been the type to be vulnerable and share his inner thoughts. "I love you. Please let me make up for lost time..." he whispers so softly that I almost don't hear it. I hadn't heard him say that since before Parker died.
My heart literally exploded with emotion.
"Ok. Pull some fuck shit and I'll drop you faster than you can say sorry." I say before sitting up and giving him a goofy smile. "Now help me up old man."
He stands and grabs my hand, pulling me to my feet. I carefully make my way to Blake's room, he's fast asleep while Billie just sings to him. I smile at the little moment before me, leaning against the door frame.
As much as I'd love to witness this for the rest of my life, Billie's eyes meet mine and she makes her way over to me. I want her to touch me, I need intimacy even if it doesn't lead to sex.
"I'm not going to break you know..." I tell her wrapping my arms around her neck and pulling her into a hug. I feel her arms go around my waist, but she's still hesitant.
"Please touch me Billie. I need you to touch me. I don't care about sex right now, I just need to be as close to you as possible." I plead, my forehead resting against hers.
"I-I can't." she stammers out softly.
As I let her go, I let out a frustrated sigh and trudge across the hallway to my room, slamming the door behind me.
"Hayden wait... open the door." Billie begs jimmying the doorknob.
"Fuck you. Sleep on the damn couch if you don't wanna sleep next to me." I shout back. I didn't mean that... why the fuck can't I filter anything?
I sit on the edge of my bed, feeling guilty for what came out of my mouth. I call the only person who can give me some insight into what's going on.
I call Mac's.
"Hayden? Is everything okay? Experiencing any pain?" she bombards next with questions. It's nice that she cares, it's her job to do that though...
"Yeah I'm alright. No, no pain as of right now. I can feel that my sinuses are inflamed but that's not why I called. Also you don't have to pretend like you care, we're not exactly friends." I say bluntly. I can't seem to stop saying everything that comes into my head, but sadly it's the truth. I don't know that we'd be friends outside of her being Billie's ex. We're two very different people.
"Oh, well... what can I help you with then?" she says, obviously hurt by my words.
"I seem to lack a filter when it comes to speaking out loud, as well as, having a lack of fear. Like I straight up just don't feel fear. Logically I know I should be afraid of falling, but I nearly fell earlier, and I felt nothing." I confess as I pace back and forth in my room.
"Interesting. Are you experiencing any other abnormal behaviors?" she asks out of curiosity.
"I want sex. Like, I don't know if it's because I haven't gotten any in awhile or what... but it's like my sex drive is constantly flipped on. It's a little frustrating to be honest." I tell her. It's not like I can lie, my brain won't let me.
"Well sex is healthy in a relationship and you didn't have surgery on your knee or anything. As long as the wound that was going across your stomach isn't giving you too much trouble, I don't see why that can't happen. Take care of your urges however you see fit to. If they continue without any relief, let me know. It could be a side effect from the surgery as well as the lack of a filter and the lack of fear based responses. All of those a typical of ventromedial prefrontal cortex damage. It could have been from the tumor pressing on the brain tissue that caused some damage, or it could be from surgery. We don't know for sure. Just take care of yourself and keep me updated on your progress, and Hayden?" she questions briefly.
"Yeah?"
"I know my sister fucked you over years ago, and I'm sorry about that. But, if it's any consolation, I would want to be your friend regardless of whether or not I dated Billie. You're a genuinely great person and you deserve the best that life has to offer." she tells me.
She's right.
I deserve the best.
The best thing in my life right now is sleeping on the couch in my living room.
I can't fuck that up.
a/n: what's your favorite thing about yourself? It can be a physical feature, or a personality trait. Literally anything. I wanna know what you guys like most about yourselves. 😁💕❤️💗
I luh you bubbies! 💕❤️💗
