*Billie's POV*
I mull over Hayden's words as she sleeps. Why couldn't she have just told me how she felt from the start? I let out a sigh as I run my fingers through Hayden's hair. It's in this very moment that I realize two things.
One being, she didn't go running off to someone else. Why is that my first assumption with her? She hasn't given me a reason this time around not to trust her. I'll beat myself up over that later.
Because, the second realization is that I am completely and irrevocably in love with the woman sleeping on my chest. I don't want to argue with anyone one else over what's for dinner unless it's her. I don't want to be intimate with anyone else but her. I don't wanna fall asleep next to or wake up beside anyone else but her. I want all of her, for the rest of my life. The gravity of that hits me like a truck and before I know it I've woken her up.
"Billie, baby why are you crying?" she asks me wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"Because I love you." I say in between sobs and she just smiles and kisses my salty, tear soaked lips. I can still taste the alcohol on her tongue, but I don't care. I need to taste more of her.
I gently shove her so her back hits the couch before straddling her waist and reattaching my lips to hers, kissing her with a ferocity that I didn't have in me before. I feel the vibration of a moan against my lips as I kiss her. I've missed this.
She grabs the backs of my knees and pulls me up her lap, which subsequently makes me close my eyes as I grind against her. Fuck, I want more.
I open my eyes to meet hers. Apparently she's hungry for me too. There's lust in her eyes as she moves her hands up my thighs to grip my hips, tapping one of them signaling me to move it. I pick up my leg and she slides one of hers between mine. She presses her thumbs into me, forcing me to rock my hips.
Oh?
Oh!
This feels... too good to be true. Seems like every time Hayden and I even attempt having sex it's ruined, which is why no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to move past the fact that even though this feels heavenly, it's going to be ruined too.
I hadn't realized I had stopped and zoned out until I feel Hayden tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. She gives me a puzzled look and caresses my cheek. "Billie, baby what's wrong?" she asks me.
I shake my head and give her a sad smile. "It's nothing I promise. Keep going." I tell her, pressing my hand against her chest and continue riding her leg.
"N- stop."
I don't.
"Billie, stop."
I don't.
"Billie, please stop."
I don't.
Next thing I know she's hooked an arm around my waist and flipped us over, giving her control. Instead of her being mad, she looks... sad. She wipes my cheek with her thumb.
"You're not crying over nothing Billie. Tell me what's going on." she reasons with me.
"I just feel like every time we start to get intimate it's ruined... believe me when I tell you I want you. I-"
"Shh it's ok baby..." she says pulling me into her lap and just holding me.
After awhile of her consoling me I speak up. "I'm sorry I ruined things tonight. I mentioned adopting Blake and you freaked, then I wanted to be intimate with you and I freaked out for no reason."
Her fingers run through my hair, lightly scratching my scalp. "Billie, even just laying here with you is enough for me. Yes I crave intimacy with you, but there are soo many other forms of intimacy besides sex baby. You didn't ruin anything today. Yes it shocked me that you want to step up and be a parent to Blake, I don't know exactly what that looks like but I'm willing to do anything as long as I get to do it with you. I do see the way you make it a point to put Blake first, in everything. I couldn't ask for better, because you are the absolute best Billie." she confesses.
Her words put me at peace. Even though she's probably told me little things like this before, this time is different. There aren't any voices telling her what to do. It's just the real Hayden pouring her heart out to me.
It's like we're two objects floating around in space destined to crash at some point. But instead of crashing, we've ended up in this ebb and flow of giving one another the strength to make it with each passing orbit. Our little orbit has become so intricate that the smallest imbalance is noticed.
But it's never ignored.
Always confronted.
Always address.
She makes me feel safe, wanted, desired. Everything in me craves her.
I grab her free hand and place a kiss on her palm, then her wrist, slowly guiding her hand down my body. It takes her a second to catch on.
"Billie..." she sighs out.
"Hayden I want this. I want you." I plead with her.
"You already have me baby." she whispers in my ear and I grip her thigh making her breath hitch.
"Fuck it." I hear her mutter under her breath.
a/n: how is everybody's day? how's your emotional well-being?
My ass has been on an emotional roller coaster because, period.
I love you bubbies 💕
