Bnha Littlespace Oneshots

Little Sero

Hanta Sero (Little)

A/N; CONTINUATION FROM LAST CHAPTER

WARNINGS;
Depressing shit, cause I feel like having a break down, so.. just a warning I guess..

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Dear Diary..

I ache when I see you smile..
I want it to be directed towards me. For me. Because of me. I want to bring you joy; be the source of those lit eyes and dimpled cheeks. I watch you bring so much happiness to those around you. Feel the warmth you’ve given me.

You show me how to find beauty in a cruel world..

You try so hard to do so well. You worked hard. You fought for every step; even if it wasn’t always in the right direction. You wanted to fly and now you’re soaring. I’m afraid. I’m so afraid you’ll crash. That I’ll have to watch it happen. I ache to think there’s no way for me to help if you do..

Sometimes it becomes a source of guilt. If I have no place in your life, why do I keep following you like this? If you noticed, I’m scared what you’d think of me. I've never been heartbroken before. For that I’m sometimes glad I know you won’t. 

We’ll never meet in the way I want us to... That’s probably a good thing..

If we met, if we spoke; what would you think of me? That’s what scares me the most. Sometimes I’m left wondering if it’s better we don’t meet. Maybe it would be better if I let you fade from my life, back out of it like you were never there. 

But I can’t let go..

Did you ever read the words I did, the ones a child hasn’t forgotten? ‘Kindred spirits’. They make me think of you. Is that truth or my wish? My instinct is that it’s true. But in the same thought I know we wouldn’t agree. The same thoughts or feeling but with a different approach? 

I want to be there. I write late into the night because of how much I do. I want to hold your hand. To dry your tears. To take the pain and anger I know you hide. Yet here I sit typing without aim, watching through a screen. To develop an unattainable desire wasn’t wise. I knew it when I started. But we keep moving. Has it been two years already? 

The ache won’t fade..

I guess you could call me lonely, but over time I have learned how to lessen the pain. For example, the cafe is my refuge, this place I can make believe that I am in a caring society..
At the tables are my imaginary friends in a transient community. We are born to need social bonds. We are born to need a sense of others, even if we are alone. It is terrible for the higher brain to know that we are solitary, that our life path has asked us to learn how to be the warrior instead of the cosseted, the protector and not the protected. Yet there is a need to fool the senses that this society is a safe place and we belong to a tribe. So in this cafe, among the noises of people, their scent, their occasional glances and the chatter of the baristas, I give my primitive brain a little of what it craves, just enough to see me though..

Lonely and alone are such very different things, so very, very different. I was lonely with the person who was supposed to love me more than any other... then, later on, lonely and alone. Yet I heard some advice and it's helping so very much, that if you embrace the feeling of lonely, let yourself feel the pain full force and have the courage to stand and keep going, that you win. You soon find alone is solitude and it's okay. Then you find that the ones who would harm and manipulate you go away, seeing that you are strong. That's when life gets good. The universe senses that you have the strength for a good life and opportunities begin, your own rainbow fades in. It's challenging. It's brutal. It's winnable and you are worth it. So love yourself, breathe deeply and walk through it. Be present in the moment, be true to who you are within and that wonderful soul you were born with will emerge with butterfly wings..

But I can't believe every little thing I'm told now, can I..?

That's just to fool my mind..

'You can always fool your body but you can't fool your mind..'

That's something I learnt, and not only with eating habits, but with the pain and longing of seeing you..
Being with you again, I'm sorry for what I did, I'm sorry I'm different..
I'm sorry..

I love you so much,
Please..
Please don't leave me, I don't think I can stand another heartbreak..

I love you too much..

-Hanta..