REMEMBER // Calum Hood

Seventy three // insecurities

(Listen to July - Noah Cyrus while reading this chapter for a fuller experience)

The next day I wake up feeling like shit.

I don't remember going to bed the night before. To be fair, I don't remember leaving the party - only a few flashes of Lis helping me get inside the car. Was I really that drunk? I don't remember drinking that much but I guess I got a little too carried away after seeing Calum talking to those girls. I hated the feeling it sparked inside me. Jealousy is a petty feeling, one I've experienced many times and hated every single minute of it. I hated feeling inferior, like I wasn't enough. So I drank to forget.

Forget how pretty those girls looked. Forget how smiley and talkative Calum was around them, acting so naturally like it happened all the time. And it probably did, I simply didn't know. Cal had millions of fans, most of them girls and I can only imagine the amount of female attention he is used to receive. I myself was beginning to see the other end of it, since my social media accounts kept getting more and more hate. Some fans began to associate me with the band and were now able to link the pictures we posted, the events we attended together, even the trip to London.

I was too ugly for him. Too fat. Too boring. Too uptight. Too unknown.

Now, not only I had to deal with the demons already living inside my head, but also had to endure these type of comments from people I've never seen before. They don't even know me. How can they tell me that I'm boring? That I'm not interesting, or fun. Some of them even sent me pictures of his previous relationships and affairs, to make sure I knew how out of place I should feel.

He doesn't love you. He looks better with Gigi Hadid. He would be happier with Selena Gomez. He looked happier with Nia.

This last one hurt particularly hard. I know Calum has been with girls a lot more beautiful than I am. Models, actresses, artists of all kinds. I also don't have the perfect size zero type of body. I have a little stomach, round hips and too much cellulite for my liking. But I do make Calum happy. He loves me and I love him and as long as it happens, I know it's enough. I know I am enough.

So this is what is on my mind when Cal leans against the bathroom door, watching me brush my teeth after breakfast. I can feel the warmth of his gaze on me so even without looking at him I know Calum is studying me. Something is on his mind, I can tell. We were fairly quiet this morning and even though I knew it wasn't my case, I blamed it on our tiredness. Of course I was beyond exhausted, wishing I could sleep until the end of the month but that is not why I was quiet. I had to win a battle inside my own head and it consumed too much energy. Deep down, I knew those were my own insecurities speaking and there is no point spilling them on Calum. I have to deal with it on my own.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I ask after spitting the toothpaste in the sink
"Do you know how much I love you?" He asks me, his voice full of meaning
"A lot, I hope" Jokingly, I peck his lips on my way to the bedroom "Or else the spell will be broken at midnight and I'll turn into a pumpkin again"
I grab my purse on the gray armchair and look inside to check if I have everything I need.
"That's not funny, G" I hear Calum say, not a trace of humor in his voice
I look at him worried. Did I miss something? Calum is still wearing the same black sweatpants he wore to bed last night. His puffy cheeks are still slightly marked by the sheets and his hair is a complete mess, but guess what? He still looks incredibly handsome.
"What's wrong?" I ask, trying to read the expression on his sleepy face
The only reason I so easily agreed to take the car today was so that Calum could continue to sleep and didn't have to worry about driving me to work. But he still got up and made breakfast while I was in the shower.
"You are so damn beautiful. Did you know that?" He says, taking me by surprise
I was not expecting this.
"The minute I laid eyes on you at that party, I was... Intrigued. You were talking to Roy and I remember asking myself how could he know someone like you and have never introduced us before. You were dressed in all white and I could swear you were an actual angel, a vision even. You are so effortlessly beautiful and..." He lets out a tired sigh "I just wanted you to know"
Perhaps Calum is a mind reader. He is shutting down insecurities I haven't even externalized to him yet. How could he tell?
"Thanks for telling me this" I give him a quick kiss on the lips "Now, you go back to sleep. Your exhaustion is making you impossibly cute and I can't be late today... Again"
"I mean it" He holds my wrist for a second longer, looking at me seriously "You know I love you, right?"
"Cal" I lace my arms around his neck, pulling his face to mine "You know I love you too, right?"
I peck his lips one last time before heading towards the door and leaving for work.