REMEMBER // Calum Hood

Seventy seven // hurt

Everything hurt.
As I lay in bed surrounded by nothing but cold sheets, my entire body ached. It must be morning already because a few rays of sunlight invade the bedroom through the small crack in the window. I want to close the curtains but I barely have enough strength to raise my hand and dry my own tears, let alone stand up. I can't move.
I'm drained. Powerless.
I hate the Sun for shining so bright. For reminding me another day has come by.
For telling me that the world didn't stop when mine fell apart.
Ruined.
All I want is to lie here. In silence. In the dark.
My eyes are closed but I can't sleep.
The darkness draws the outline of his face making me sob loudly. Tears stream down my cheeks uncontrollably and I never knew one could cry with eyes closed. My lids are heavy, like they suddenly weight a thousand pounds. I have to fight to keep my eyes open but it's just another lost battle.
I don't want to see his face. I just want to forget.
But ironically, my mind worked wonders while my body seemed useless at the moment, completely lifeless.
Much to my despair, I could remember everything.

I remember resting my head against his and running my eyes around the room, taking in the most of that moment as I could. I wanted to cherish every moment with him. I wanted to remember every single detail and I did.
I still do.
In that moment, something called my attention. A pack of condoms in the toiletry bag, among his other personal hygiene items. I sat up focusing my attention on the target, trying to figure out if it was opened or sealed.
"What?" He asked, studying my expression
My eyes flickered between him and the bag.
"You had to buy condoms?" My voice failed me
It was right in front of you, Georgia. How could you not see it?
"No, I didn't buy it. I took it with me, just in c-" He stopped himself from finishing the sentence
As if he had almost let slip the actual truth out of impulse.
As if he would've been honest, had he not been careful enough.
"As an old habit, I guess, old habits die hard" He struggled with his words like when he's nervous "I didn't use it, see, it's sealed"
He showed me the pack, that was indeed, sealed, and I nodded. I believed him. Almost instantly.
So stupid. How could you be so stupid, Georgia?
There was silence. I didn't know what to say as he planned the next lie inside his head. His eyes would usually tell me something different than his words did. I just liked to pretend it was fondness, love also. As if he was unsure about professing his feelings for me. I wanted him to love me so desperately that I put words in his mouth that were never even there to begin with.
How pathetic.
"It's getting late. Maybe I should get going" I said, but not even I could believe myself
Yes, Georgia. Just go. I tell myself, as if it would be able to change the past.
Stand up and walk out the door. Or better... Run!

Why is crying so exhausting? I'm tired even though I haven't left this bed in God knows how long.
I think is dark outside now. Maybe the Sun has already set in the sky or perhaps he simply gave up on me.
There is no point trying to illuminate me anyway.
I want the darkness. I crave for it.
Some comfort can be found in not being able to see the state I'm in. In knowing that no one can see me this broken. Shattered.
My body hurts and all energy I once had was sucked right out of me. My fuel is gone. Like a car that runs out of gas in the middle of a highway. All cars still running past me in full speed while I'm stuck in the same place, not able to move. Paralyzed.
I never knew heartbreaks could cause physical pain. And I never expected to learn it the hard way.
The hardest one I could've ever imagined. It caught me off guard, completely unexpected.
He gave me all of the signs and I deliberately ignored them.
As if I was blind.

"Who knew you were such a romantic, Hood" I remember telling him after one of his planned out compliments, falling completely for his act
So stupidly in love. So imbecile.
"I'm not, G" He shook his head no but never smiled back to me "You're the romantic one in here. Sometimes it scares me how much you believe in the good in people"
Sometimes is scares me how stupid you can be, Georgia. I bet that's what he meant to say.
I stood speechless in front of him, like a freaking idiot. Taken aback by his sudden seriousness and thinking that the way he said it, didn't sound at all like a compliment.
Because it wasn't. Duh.
His hard tone was loaded with a hidden meaning while I was 100% clueless.
Stupid and gullible.
"What do you mean?" I asked, wishing I could go back in time to slap some sense into my old self
"Not everyone is good, maybe you shouldn't put that much faith into..." Me.
He was literally telling me not to trust him. My God, I really outdid myself here.
How could you be so fucking blind, Georgia?
"Are you talking about Ryan?" That's how clueless I was this entire time
When I think about all of the fights I had with him because of Ryan, I want to rip my eyes out. He made me feel so guilty for trying to keep a civilized relation with someone from my past while he slept around with anyone in the present. I never did anything wrong and still felt so guilty.
"No, I mean..." He struggled with his words "Him too but..."
He was talking about himself but I chose not to listen.
Fuck you, Georgia.
"You know I wasn't defending him, right? I'm aware of how much of an asshole he's being but I simply know he's not entirely a bad person" I remember saying, making me want to punch myself in the face for being so ingenue
Naive.
That's how the laugh he let out made me feel.
I felt silly, like I was the innocent high school girl who was bound to have her heart broken by the college kid. Never have I felt underestimated around him, until that moment.
It was another red flag.
And once again, I chose to ignore it.
"I'm not naïve, Cal. I know what his intentions were, I'm not blind"
Aha! I'm a complete joke.
I'm not blind, I said while closing my eyes for the things that were right in front of my fucking face.
I'm so pathetic it's laughable.