WORDS (Book 1) [COMPLETE]

4

Chapter 4

Love hurts, we don't really experience the pain the same way. Sometimes it comes at you like five stages of grief.
denial: When Lwazi dumped me, I asked him to repeat what he said. I really wanted him to change his mind, I wanted him to realise that he just ended our relationship. I closed my eyes, I prayed to God that I was imagining this moment.
It didn't help because the wave of pain came rushing as soon as he left me crying and didn't turn back.
anger: So I went crazy, I got angry, I resented everything and blamed everyone. I was bitter and hard to please. I got angry at him for suggesting we come here, at my mother for dying and at my father for never loving me. I just harboured so much hatred and anger.
bargaining: I called him, I begged him to take me back. I promised to change and be the girl he wanted me to be.

This hole was darker, because it felt like I needed him in order to love me.
depression: So I cut off everyone, I went to class and straight to my place after. I died a little inside because I didn't know me without him.
Then I regretted my bargaining phase; I hated that I gave him so much power. That humiliation killed me slowly and left me feeling so empty.
acceptance: Then he sent me the message I needed, I needed to hear why he left me. I finally accepted that he was no longer mine and I was no longer his, so a little bit I took bits of myself from him and I learned to let the sunshine on me alone without me by him.
Acceptance hurt more than I would like to admit, I cried a lot but one morning, I woke up and it didn't matter anymore. The pain wasn't there anymore.

Freya Ridings' Still have you was playing, the irony in this was I was here to interview for a waitressing job when I saw Lwazi on a date. He was laughing, he had a huge smile on his face and that made me smile too because if I am honest with myself, he deserves to be happy. I guess it is really over, him looking at me and smiling then nodding. He got up and came to me.
Me"Hey you"
He gave me a hug
Lwazi"Hey nawe"
We both laughed
"It's good to see you Lona"
I smiled and it was genuine, I was really glad to see him.
Me"Same"
There was a long pause, before he cleared his throat.
Lwazi"I have to get back, say hello to Thabang for me"
I smiled
Me"Will do. See you around"
He nodded then left me standing there, I realized at that moment that I was tired. Of working and not living my best life, I was tired of constantly feeling like this. I just wanted to be me again, without Lwazi, without my mother but me Lelona Mde. So I left, I didn't do the interview.

Thabang"And you left?"
Me"I left"
Thabang" So what now?"
Me"I don't know, but I have some money saved up"
Thabang"I am happy for you"
Me"Honestly?"
Thabang"You could join the circus and I would still celebrate that. Your happiness is all that matters to me"
Me"You're amazing"
"Also I've joined Tinder because I need to get laid"
He laughed
"Why uhleka?"
Thabang" Because I know you and you are not tinder material"
I hit his arm and he laughed
"Hear me out Christian Grey"
We both laughed
Me"I can tinder, I am fun now"
Thabang" That sounds weird, and you can't join tinder because your heart lives in your vagina"
Me"My heart lives in my vagina?"
We both laughed really loud
Thabang" You'll get hurt"
Me"You are wrong"
Thabang" About which part?"
Me"My heart doesn't live in my vagina!"
We both laughed again.
Musa" You two know I am here right?"
I think I forgot to mention I was in their bedroom, we don't really do boundaries well. We are learning though, Lwazi got used to Thabang coming over and sleeping in my bed.
Thabang" Did we wake you up?"
We both tried not to laugh
Me"I should go"
Musa" I will go, I have to shower anyway"
As soon as she got out of the room we laughed.
Me" Have you asked her?"
Thabang" Not yet, she isn't ready"
Me"You don't know that"
Thabang"She has doubts when it comes to you and I can't imagine myself with someone who feels threatened by our friendship"
Me" Musa loves you"
"She likes me, you can't force me down her throat"
Thabang" No rush"
Me"ndakwazi ubhanxekile ke"
Thabang" Says the person who has no plan"
We laughed
Me" touchè"
Thabang" Siri play Army by Ellie Goulding"
"I think you forgot how much I love your dumass"
We sat in bed singing along to our anthem.

Before I knew it was the December recess and everyone was going home. Thabang was in fact right about me, Tinder failed because I wanted a relationship but everyone was offering their dicks. I slept with two guys though, I actually thought they were my soul mates but I was obviously wrong. As always.
Bahle"Are you ready to go?"
Me"Nope but don't have a choice"
Bahle"Well you do, take up Andrew on his offer"
Me"I don't know if I am comfortable with that"
Bahle"You are not comfortable with going to a private estate, alone, a fully furnished place with food and so wine that you probably will get alcohol poisoning"
I smiled at her
Me" I hate wine"
Bahle" It's free wine! Everyone likes free wine"
I looked at her
Me" You sound like Thabang"
"I don't want to inconvenience Andrew"
Bahle" He offered"
"You don't have to go back to PE babes, it's okay if you're not ready to go home. It's not running, you are just protecting your heart."
I kept quiet, I could feel my tears at bay.
Me" I miss her"
She hugged me
Bahle" Go to Stellenbosch, if you hate being alone, you know you are always welcome to come to my place"
Me"What if I die there? All alone"
Bahle" You know damn well White people have a few of us monitoring their grounds"
Me" Phuma kulo corner sana"
Anelisa arrived an hour later and we had our gossip session about their partners.
Anelisa" Honestly Lona, just between us; what is happening between you and Thabang?"
I was so confused by her question.
Me" Njani?"
Anelisa" Are you guys in love? Or situationship?"
Me" Hay ubhanxekile"
Bahle just sipped her beer and rolled her eyes
"Why would you ask me that?"
Anelisa" Tshomi, he sleeps over and you have your own key to his place. He spends more time with you than he does with Musa and honestly friend, I would be bothered if I was in her shoes"
Before I could even answer, Bahle jumped in.
Bahle" Why? What would bother you about them being friends?. Why can't you be happy with your partner having a friend that loves him and has his best interest? Why does her gender make it weird yet men can be friends with each other without anyone ever questioning whether they fuck or not"
Anelisa" Yes, but men don't behave the way they behave"
Me" How do we behave? You sleep over here, you and I go on lunch dates all the time. Why is it weird when him and I do it?"
"I love Thabang, I will never apologize for that. Her being uncomfortable isn't our problem, that's her problem. He is always assuring her and at some point, he will get bored because of her insecurities. I have never given Musa any reason to think Thabang and I fuck, hell, Thabang doesn't even show any signs of someone who is interested in me. I am his friend, and he is mine, why is that so hard to understand?"
They both kept quiet
Me" I won't apologize for that, I won't apologize for being a good friend because that is stupid. And I hate that you just made me feel like I am sabotaging their relationship, I am always rooting for Musa. He didn't want to ask for her hand in marriage because he feels as if she will ALWAYS look for faults where they aren't any. He means the world to me, and she makes him happy. I would cut all ties with him, let them be together in peace if that means him being happy with the girl loves. But ask her; why should he lose someone he loves in order for her to be happy with him? It's not fair right?. But for her, he would and he is all I have. So when you guys sit and plot about ruining our friendship just remember he is my family"
I wiped my tears and looked at Bahle.
Me"I need to pack for Stellies, so if you guys don't mind..."
I went straight to the door and opened it.
Bahle"I love you"
I knew she meant it because she never says it.
Me"I love you too babes, promise to call"
Anelisa" I didn't mean to offend you"
Me"Well, consider me offended"

Fuck!!!!