WORDS (Book 1) [COMPLETE]

21

Chapter 21

I always hear people telling me that Nathan can give me everything I want. That he is wealthy enough to take care of us but I wonder why is it that I am expected to give up my dreams simply because I am with someone who can provide for me?. See, he was born with all that money, he went to the best schools, he went to the best university and he had a job waiting for him as soon as he graduated. Nathaniel has his white privilege, he never had to think about "what if" because he knew his parents had cleared the way for him and had generational wealth waiting for me. I am Black, I've always had to work 10 times harder to even get anywhere and I am a woman, that too has it's own struggles in this country. I have always wanted to work and he knew that about me, and he also knew that he would be taking over from his father but not once did he mention that when he agreed to move with me. He led me to believe that he was with me and supporting me but as soon as I got comfortable he wanted to take that away from me.
Nathan" You are giving up already?"
"Why is it so easy for you to walk away?"
Me" I can't move to Cape Town! I don't want to move there"
"I can stay here and you can go"
Nathan" And Xavier?"
"I refuse to see my son once a month!"
Me" You are always traveling!"
"It will be the same with you in Cape Town, I don't get why you are making it sound as if things will change"
Nathan" Give this up for me"
"That's all I ask"
I know it felt like a small ask but it wasn't, see Nathan had a way of doing things and then making them seem like my idea.
Me" You lied to me"
"You...I wanted this... "
He started packing our things, I didn't move, I just watched him. He didn't say anything. He went outside with our bags and I sat on the bed, he returned then took Xavier.
Nathan" Let's just go, I don't want to be here anymore and I am sure, you are also over this weekend. So let's go"
Nam ndaphakama, ndanyotshozela emvakwakhe. In the car no one said anything, we stopped at the garage. He went inside then came back with some snacks.
Me" Want me to drive?"
Nathan" No"
Waqhuba umlungu wabantu, I kept sleeping and waking up to us. Four hours later, he pulled up to our house. I got out of the car, this time I took Xavier, and went inside. He brought in my bags then the baby stroller.
Nathan" I am taking your car"
"I need to clear my head"
Me" Where are you going?"
Nathan" Back to my family"
"Isn't that what you wanted? You are here and I am going back to them"
Me" And you can't stay with us?"
Nathan" My parents came all the way from England to see their grandson and y.."
Me" You said we should go"
Nathan" I didn't see you putting up a fight"
Me" What is it that you hate the most? Me not needing you to succeed or that I don't need you as much as you want me to?"
Nathan" I am done fighting you Lona, you and I are not married. You want to raise Xavier alone and be a single mother with a baby daddy? You want to alienate everyone that loves you just to prove something to yourself?. Then you have it, I am done fighting you, I am done. At this rate we will end up hating each other and I don't want to hate you. I will take over the family business, you will stay here and fulfil your dreams"
Me" It's that easy?"
Nathan" I guess it is"
Me" If you walk away then you cannot come back"
Nathan" I had absolutely no intention of coming back, I will however fight you for my son"
"This is what you wanted right? Well there you go, get yourself a lawyer"
Me" Really Nathan?"
Nathan" You really thought I would give you my son without a fight?. You really don't know me"
"Goodnight"

Nathen left me at 23:07, I have been waiting for for him to come or to call me. I called Andrew to call him for me, I have been seated in this position since 01:43 and now the time is 05:50. His phone is still off, Xavier woke up at 07:35. I tried Nathan again after bathing Xavier and his phone was off. My phone rang and I jumped to go answer.
Me" Nathan?"
Andrew" Hey, it's me Drew"
I cleared my throat
Me" Hey, sorry, did you manage to get hold of him?"
Andrew" Yea, he says he is safe"
Me" Where?"
Andrew" He didn't say and I didn't ask, I don't want to interfere Lona"
Me" I understand"
"Thanks anyway"
I decided against calling Thabang, I needed to think. I wondered if my mother had it easy with raising me alone, and quite honestly, Nathan would win the case. The law was made to favour the White, I give up my child and get visitation rights but who is to say he doesn't remarry and the bitch treats my son like a slave.
Me" Let me just kangaroo to sleep"
I took off my top and his clothes, I played Natalie Taylor's Surrender. He kept on making sounds, his hands playing with my ears.
Me"I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love you"
His hands moved to my chest and I started crying, the idea of me disappointing him just didn't feel right. My mother was always there for me, she always put me first, but there werr days when she struggled with me and had no one. Days when I disappointed her, yet she continued to put me first. She has done so much for me, I wonder though did she regret any of her choices. Did she ever wonder what would have happened if she aborted me, if she got remarried. Maybe her dreams were derailed by her having me or maybe I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she was content with how her life was. I needed her, I missed my mother so much. I felt so alone, I know I have Thabang but he will never fill her void just like no one would ever fill the pain we both felt when we lost our mother's.

While I was deep in thought Xavier farted and he got shocked, I don't know why laughed at him. And he giggled too. I was so shocked that I laughed even louder, I wanted to see his smile. He smiled at me and I got the shock of my life!. He has a tooth!
Me" Nathan come see!"
"Fuck"
I grabbed my phone and took a photo, I sent it to Nathan.
"You know when this happened, I wanted to share this moment with you. I wanted us to make this discovery together, it hit me. My mother had a lot of first with me, I am sure they were amazing but she had no one to share them with. I don't want that, I want to be excited with you. I want to experience his firsts with you.

Come back home, we have to pack. I love you Nathan, I may not show it often but I love you but you need to be patient. My love isn't like yours, I don't say it loud or show in it the way that you do but it doesn't mean I don't love you."
I kept on checking my WhatsApp and saw he read the message. I finally gathered the strength to get up, Xavier and I went to but some chicken dust. In the car I play Alicia Keys Wait til you my smile. I sang along in peace, I did my best to fix things with Nathan, him not answering me is his problem. When we got home I ate then fed my son, he slept soon after eating. I cleaned up the house, when I heard the front door opening I didn't even jump up nor did I smile.
" Molweni e Marikana"
Hearing Thabang's voice just made me run to give him a hug.
Me" What! How?!"
Thabang" Ndodakho, he said you might need a friend"
Me" Uphi yena?"
Thabang" phandle, he is on a call with his father"
"Engasakhali, what did you do to him?"
Me" I know ukubalisele"
"He ignored me ubusuku and intsasa yayo, I am not even sure if I want to see him right now"
Thabang" I love you, so I will tell you something; Kamva is in Cape Town"
"Do with that whatever you want, but remember y'all aren't married and you are technically broken up. He doesn't owe you anything"

Sana!