WORDS (Book 1) [COMPLETE]

25

Chapter 25

NOW!!!!!!!!!

A month ago Solly suggested something so outrageous that we didn't ignored it. Then one morning, we flew to PE and called Yanga, he met up with Nathan and I, he suggested we come over to his place. We were nervous because Solly had absolutely no proof of what she said, it was based on a rumour that she heard when she was still in varsity. We went through every scenario but desperation. We had 2 million cash because we assumed whatever he had to do would require money.
Yanga" You want what?"
Nathan" I guess Solly was wrong, we didn't mean to insult you but we are desperate at this point. It's been a year, we can't give up without really knowing what happened to her"
I didn't say anything, I hardly said anything at this point in my life. I just existed, I was dead inside and I think it was starting to show, based on the way Yanga was looking at me.
Nathan"Let's go"
Yanga" No promises"
Nathan" We will take whatever"
"The money is all in that bag, I will get you more if you need it but just bring my daughter home"
He got up and gave me a hug.
Yanga" Suncama, ungakulinge wenze lonto. Life unjalo, but wena, funeka ungancami"
It took him two weeks and one day to find her, we got a call to fetch her in Nyanga, I have always been so scared of that place because of the stories. She was rushed to the hospital immediately, Zama our old house keeper and her boyfriend were shot dead. We knew but when the police asked, we both said we didn't know but just got an anonymous phone call on where to find our child.

We sat on opposite sides of the room, she was asleep. I think he was exhausted, so was I,but we both didn't want to sleep. We couldn't sleep, maybe a bit scared that if we close our eyes then she will be gone.
Nathan"I'll ask the nurses if they can organize a bed for you"
Me" Am fine here"
He didn't argue, for once he didn't try to control the situation. We had the same fear.
"You can get one for yourself"
Nathan" I'll sleep next to her"

For the next two days we spent waiting for her to wake up. Each day felt like a huge battle that we were losing, it felt like she was gone and maybe we both knew she was gone but we didn't want to admit it. Days turned into weeks, Nathan and I refused every suggestion the doctors made. Some days they said she was improving, would be taken to surgery then they would discover something new. It just felt like nothing was working, and our options were limited. The dehydration and the head trauma were the biggest issues, we ended up getting Viwe to take over because he knew us and he knew what this meant to us.
Me" I can't stay here"
He didn't answer me, I grabbed my things and went to the door.
"Don't give up"
He whispered, I turned around and looked at him.
Me"I need to bring her toys here, I need to bring Mr Elephant, she needs her toys here."
"I just need..."
I bit my bottom lip fighting the tears
"I'm sorry for everything"
Pulling up in our drive way, my mind took me back to when Nate and I moved in here. The house has changed over the years, we have also grown up in a lot of ways. We were happy, we thought we had it all figured out and it turns out we knew nothing. I also never imagined myself here, in this house with him. Maybe subconsciously I know I don't belong here, maybe I am the reason my daughter is fighting for her life right now. My bad luck, why did I think I could be happy?. I drove back to the hospital and Nate was sleeping, I put the sandwich on the table then Mr Elephant next to Claire.

My phone rang and I went to answer it outside.
Me" Hello"
Thabang" How is she today?"
Me" Same as yesterday"
Thabang" How are you?"
Me" I'm okay"
"Nathan is finally sleeping"
Thabang" You need to sleep too"
Me" I can't"
"I am afraid someone will take her away from me again"
Thabang" Bahle found Lucinda something pha kuye emsebenzini"
Me" Thank you"
I decided to fire her, I also decided to quit at work and just focus on my children. I don't think I will ever recover from this, I didn't know how to go back to being me before Claire went missing. I felt like I was stuck in this dark hole, everyone kept on throwing me a rope and I just couldn't take it because I didn't deserve to.
Thabang" Lona"
Me" How did you and Bahle survive after the miscarriage?"
Thabang"Therapy, but when that happened we were both worried about Claire. So we diverted until we couldn't anymore, then we went to therapy"
Me" I have these nightmares, I feel like I am trying to speak to my mother and then when she finally listens, everything disappears and I'm back in Stellenbosch and my hands are covered in Zuko's blood. Then when I look up, everyone that I love is dead and I'm alone"
He kept quiet
"I don't know how to go back to being me. I am stuck in this nightmare and I think therapy won't work for me"
Thabang" Then what?"
Me" I don't know"
Thabang" You need to talk to Nathan at some point. He is also not okay, and this isn't the first time you both go through something like this"
Me" He blames me for Claire's kidnapping"
Thabang" No he doesn't, you are an amazing mother. No one can take that away from you but you"
Me" I don't believe that"
"I just feel like we never get to be fully happy. There is always something"
Thabang" Bad things happen, but don't let them change you"
Me" I hired her, I treated her like family, even when Nathan said she was stealing, I stood up for her"
Thabang" You didn't do anything wrong"
"Why would you treat her like trash? Because she was your helper? That's not who we are. She was the problem, she abused your kindness, that's on her Lona"
Me" And she is dead"
Thabang" You didn't kill her"
Me" Yet I feel nothing but guilt, she has children. Nathan and I fired her"
Thabang" For stealing, she kidnapped your daughter. That's not your fault Lona. You need to stop blaming yourself for decisions that were not made by you"
"We will see you guys later"
Me" Thanks for the call"

She got discharged after Viwe and the social worker convinced Nathan and I that she needed to be home. When we got home she was asleep on Nathan's chest. She put him to bed, and I watched them for a while before I decided what was my next step.
Me" Hello Ndoda"
Xavier" Mama"
"Ndilambile"
We went to the kitchen and I took out the ingredients for his sandwich.
Me" How was being with Pappa and Granny"
Xavier" They were okay but I missed being here"
"I missed you and Dad, but when Claire went away you didn't speak to me. All you did was cry"
Me" And Mommy is sorry about that"
Xavier" It's okay Mommy"
Me" I am going away for a while"
"You'll be here with Daddy and Claire"
Xavier" When are you coming back?"
Me" I don't know but you can call me, if you ever need me. You just call and I will pick up"
Thabang and Bahle arrived after an hour, we were all chilling in Claire's room.
Nathan" You sure you two will be fine?"
Thabang" Just go, we will be here"
He gave me a hug
"Come back to me, I know Palm Tree looks beautiful but I need you more"
Nathan" You really need to stop, we need her more"
I laughed at him
"Thank you guys"
Nathan and I finally left, I was scared but him actually taking me to the clinic meant the was supporting my decision.
Nathan" Can we eat first?"
Me" Yea"
We went to McDonald's, he ordered for us and I just sat there.
Nathan" Are you okay?"
I nodded
Nathan" Talk to me"
Me" Please don't divorce me"
" I know we haven't been okay, but I am dealing with my shit now"
Nathan" I'll be here when you come back"
Me" You need to stop cheating on me"
"You have been doing it for so long and it has to stop because it's humiliating. I don't deserve it"
Nathan" I am not cheating on you"
Me" Anymore"
"When Claire got taken you were with someone else. Your phone was off, you never made me feel guilty about Claire because you felt guilty for being with someone else while your daughter was getting kidnapped"
Nathan" Let's not do this"
"We said no more fighting"
Me" I am giving you this time to also work on yourself and to decide what iz best for you. If I am not it, then I'll respect that and we will divorce"
"I just can't tolerant you and all the other women, I love you but you can't continue to hurt me and act like it's nothing. Your children and I deserve better"

When it's all said and done, you have to always come first.