WORDS (Book 1) [COMPLETE]

The final round

Chapter 30

Part TWO

I don't remember my vows, I don't remember the promise I made to God and Nathan. I haven't slept because I've been wrecking my brain trying to figure out what I said to him on our wedding day. It happens right? People forget these things all the time, right?. I laughed at myself because I spent the whole day actually trying to also figure out when I really fell in love with him. Yet all I could think of was how I almost died the first time we spent Christmas together. It was like my mind refused to let me remember the good stuff. 
Thabang" You have to sleep"
Yea, he was sleeping over.
Me" It's almost 5 a.m."
Thabang" Did you sleep?"
Me" Nope"
"I couldn't, so instead I have been trying really hard to figure out when I fell in love with him"
Thabang" It matters?"
Me" Yes, to me, I know when I fell out of love. I knew I was done, like I know what drove me to that conclusion"
Thabang" What was it?"
Me" He held me, but before he did, there was a hesitation. It was like he wasn't sure but he felt like he was obligated to cuddle me after sex"
"I didn't want that, he felt stuck and I didn't want that for him. His happiness mattered to me and it felt like he was the happiest when I wasn't around" 
I looked away because I didn't want to look at Thabang. I didn't want to start crying. 
Me" We rushed, we had Xavier, thought we could take on the world together. We got married, had two more kids but we were not happy. I tried Thabang, some days I felt like I was drowning him and he smiled through it all. Honestly some days I wanted to take a pillow and just kill him"
Thabang" You two never communicate, niyafana. I thought you would at least be different with each other"
Me" He cheated on me"
"I wanted to do the same, so bad but it just wasn't right. I laughed at myself every time I went through his icloud"
I got out of bed and wore my uggs.
Me" He fucked so many women"
"He had a hoe rotation"
I laughed
"Then again, you already knew about that" 
I went to the bathroom to run my bath water, then went back to Thabang. 
Thabang" You are lying" 
Me" About?"
Thabang" You and Nathan never recovered from what happened to Claire. You tried, we all watch you both try. Then you had Connor, we all thought it was all good again but then you reached out to your father and he rejected you. You took all that anger and you projected it, I don't blame you. Maybe you felt like the men in your life were failing you. I get that but the more he tried, the worser shit got for you two. Hell, we were there for most of it. We even thought you two would kill each other. Then his step mother died, you were not there for Nate, you just carried on with life. He needed you and I know you were dealing with your own crap but he accepted that you didn't care about his problems. And you just decided to stop trying. He cheated we all know that, but you were no saint Lona. Maybe you didn't physically cheat but you chased after Yanga, we all bare witness to how much you admired him. And if we are being honest, if Yanga did show interest you would have cheated too"
I went to close the tap then went back to him.
"You were no victim, and you need to stop making Nathan out to be some monster. You were both wrong, yes, he humiliated you but you sure as hell threw punches his way. You blamed him for Claire, you never hid how you thought he was useless. You blamed him for the incident at Stellies and each time he tried to fix things, you made it hell for him. We all watched, we know what he did too but you are not a victim here. You were both wrong. You need to stop making him feel like shit, you are both responsible for your marriage failing. You are my friend and so is he, I love you both enough to tell y'all the truth" 
Me" I have to take a bath"
Thabang" Okay" 

The divorce proceedings didn't take too long. Everything I wanted from him I received, I was waiting for the worst but it was straightforward. After we both signed, I went outside. I just needed some air. 
"Lele"
He had a fake smile on his face
Me" Hey"
Nathan" Can we all go out as a family?"
"That's if you don't have any plans"
Me" I'll go fetch them"
Nathan" Can we do it together? I just don't want them to think this changes anything"
I nodded, we walked to my car in silence. I wondered what he was thinking. 
Me" How's Free State?"
Nathan" I never uhm Free State is Ashley's project" 
"The children and I have just been spending time at my new place"
Me" Oh, I didn't know"
Nathan" Thought Thabang told you"
Me" Nope"
Nathan" Well, it doesn't matter"
"How's work?"
Me" Good, but everyone at the office misses Connor"
"He is enjoying day care more than I had anticipated"
We both laughed
Nathan" He is growing up way too fast"
Me" I know right" 
We pulled up at the house, I left him in the car, I was only fetching the kids anyway. They ran to the car when I told them I'm with Nathan. 
Xavier" Where are we going?"
Me" Ask your father"
Nathan" We could always go to Spur"
Xavier" Nope"
"Pizza"
Claire" Yes, Pizza"
Nathan looked at me then agreed
Nathan" Pizza it is"
I wanted to ask which restaurant because Pizza is the food but where are we getting it. I just smiled and decided something last minute.
Me" How about, we make the pizza here at home. We can all go buy the toppings and your father will set up the movie room, we can all eat Pizza and watch movies" 
Nathan" Yes! Home made pizza"

As we drove to the store for Pizza toppings, I realized that I never actually fell out of love with Nathan. I just stopped loving him as my husband, but we have 3 kids together and there was no way I could fall out of love with someone who gave me a family. I wanted the hate to start kicking in, that way I would find purpose for our divorce, an explanation for all the years wasted. Being with him, right now and seeing our children so happy was worth it. Sometimes things are said and done, decisions are made on impulse but it doesn't mean everything should end in hatred. He divorced me, not his children. We fell out of love, he didn't stop loving his children though. Maybe that's why I couldn't figure out when I fell out of love with him. I never loved him, I just loved the idea of him. I loved that he wanted a family, that he would give what my mother never had, give my children what I never had. On our first date, he said he wanted a family and I never admit this to anyone but deep down inside I have always wanted to belong. And Nathan made me belong, he gave me the one thing I have always wanted and that is a family. Him and I didn't work out, but it doesn't matter because my children have a father that loves them and that's way more than what I had.

...