Killian

Chapter 4

Sophia

Here lies Killian Grey Miller

25th February 2006 - 23rd September 2015

Son - Brother - Friend

If you can trust a puzzle company to make sure every piece is in the box to complete the puzzle, than why can't you trust God that every piece of your life is there for a reason

I just stood there silently, I had lost the words I had prepared. I tried opening my mouth to say something, however no words came out. Instead I let the tears flow down my cheeks as I looked at my brother's gravestone. I remember mum recording everything he did and said those last months, just to have something to remember him by. His laugh, his jokes, his stupid little magic tricks. She still listens to the tapes sometimes when she really misses him or when it's his birthday.

A couple of weeks ago I couldn't fall asleep, so I went downstairs for some warm milk. I had tip toed, not wanting to wake mum and dad. That's when I saw mum sit by the kitchen isle. She had a glass of wine and watched old videos of Killian. I almost collapsed when I heard his laugh. It felt like I hadn't heard if in decades. The video was his seventh birthday, he still had life in him then. His eyes shone and he looked happy. She was crying, but also smiling. I don't understand how she can put herself through that torture of looking at videos of him.

I can barely look at the photos we have hanging of him around the house. They absolutely destroy me. He should've been given a second chance, we should've tried more. We should've fixed it, fixed him. I should've gotten sick, not him. I would give anything for me and him to trade places. I've lived four years without him, well lived is a stretch. I've seen what I've become, I don't see how I could get better. But Killian, he would live life. He would have travelled and become a doctor, just like mum.

I wipe my nose with my hand and sit down infront of his grave. I should've done this weeks ago, but I've been to chicken to come back here. It hurts me everytime I see his grave. It's just a painful reminder that he is actually gone. I've only been here four times. Mum is here every Sunday. You can see it on his grave. He always has fresh flowers, and a clean stone. My mum has dedicated every Sunday to it. Dad is more like me, it pains him to talk about Killian. I see it everytime someone asks.

I pick a piece of the grass and play with it as I start the one way conversation. Sometimes I'll just start speaking as if Killian was around. I feel it's better to speak to his grave, since that's the closest I'll come to him. "Hi Killian, how's the afterlife?" I laugh at my stupid question. If he was here, he would too. "I know, I know I'm horrible at this. I know I should've come earlier it's just I couldn't build up the courage to see your grave again" I told him as I picked the scabs on my knuckles. It didn't hurt as much, just enough to take some pain away from my heart. God, that's a cliché sentence.

I took a deep breath and looked up to the sky. My eyes burned as I tried keeping them open. I tried to focus on how my body felt rather then let the grief take me. My shorts are cold and wet, I probably look like I wet myself. "Mum and dad are good by the way. Evelyn is too, she even has a boyfriend, I think. I'm not too sure what they are right now. He's well, he dresses in black clothes and looks scary, but I'm sure he's kind. Ev says he's a real goofball. But I don't know, I find it weird she hasn't told me about him earlier. 

Anyways, his name is Philip I think. His friend though, August, he kissed me. I don't know exactly how I feel about it. Wouldn't my therapist be happy now. I'm questioning my feelings. August asked me out on a date, but I feel like it's all a setup and that something is going to happen. I just don't know what yet. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. If he genuinely means it, why did he ask in front of everyone? I don't know I find it weird and suspicious.