Killian

Chapter 21

Sophia

My earliest memory I have of my life is with my dad. I couldn't have been more then four I don't think. We were on the country side near Birmingham, it was around the time Killian arrived. Of course I was jealous having to share my parents attention and I wasn't a fan of the smell he produced. Dad was the one to notice my childish jealousy. I would hide Killian's dummies and purposefully steal his toys from him and poke his cheeks to make him cry.

I was just annoyed that this little baby, whom I didn't even want, got all my old toys and he got fresh new dummies. Whereas I had to give mine up in exchange for a blanket. Dad thought that the solution to my jealousy was fishing. I never liked the fishing part, the boat ride was always my favourite, still is. That day we were out there a whale was sighted. I remember seeing the huge animal and being scared. I clung to my dad for support.

He reassured me that the whale wouldn't and couldn't hurt us. It was far away anyway and we were close to land. He came with facts of the sea mammal, like how whales can fart and sometimes small fish would get caught in them and die. Not sure how accurate it was but it soothed me and made me fascinated with it. After that we made it a tradition to have a day dedicated to me and dad. We haven't had one in a long time though and it's my fault. He's planned so many get aways, and I've flaked on all of them. 

To make up for missing them I promised to do anything he had planned for a day. And of course he took advantage of it. Dad knows he's the only one who could make me do this. Who could talk me into thinking this was a good idea. I wish he hadn't suggested it. Begged me to come here for my family. I know I'm gonna disappoint them, because I made up my mind long ago never to step inside ever again. The building looks ten times bigger than I remember it to be. It has this dark aura waving off, 166 thousand people die from cancer today. Around 100 of them have been treated here. "Come on Pickle Lilly" My dad ushers me forward- however my feet stay glued to the asphalt. 166 000, Killian was merely a number to the FDA. 

Why did I drive to this hospital?

My dad was for once in a casual outfit. Just normal jeans and a jumper. A big navy, blue, fleece jumper. It's the one I'm prone to steal sometimes when I'm cold and shivering. The fabric smells like my dad which makes me feel content and calmer. His face is stubbly and prickly because he hasn't had the time to shave. Mum likes having a beard on dad, but he thinks he looks scary and since he works with small children he shaves it off. I always feel like a beard is the way to go to look homey. I'd be such DILF if I were a man. I look back up, the parking lot is very busy.

My tummy churns more and more, I don't wanna walk up those stairs. My tummy hurts a lot and makes me even more anxious. I shiver as small shocks send down my spine. I've felt sick all day and it's only getting worse the nearer I am to this fucking place. No, this is as far as I can consciously go. "I can't go further" I protest towards my dad. My heart's beating faster by the minute. My ears are filled with the irregular beat of my heart. "I think I'm gonna throw up" I manage to shout before running to the side and hurling up my dinner, breakfast and everything inbetween.

"You did good, darling" My dad soothes as I continue to hurl, his warm hand goes up and down my spine. I never understood why people do that, it's not like it really helps. It's been a long time since I've thrown up so much. It even came out of my nose, chunks flew out of my nose. Tears spew from my eyes as the vomit shuts the air out of my body. "It's okay" Dad continues as my body finally stops the action and starts to breathe. I gagged at the horrible smell and taste that filled my senses. "I wanna go home" I sniffle, my tummy still cramping a little from what just happened. I can see how upset he is I didn't step into the hospital.

He should know better, he shouldn't have asked this of me. I don't know how they all mange to do it. Killian died in there and they can just walk in as if nothing happened here. My baby brother's heart stopped pumping blood, his organs shut down and his brain started shutting down before I managed to say goodbye. And they just walk inside. "I'm proud of you, sweetheart" Dad lies, I know better by now, he's disappointed I couldn't manage more than this. However this wasn't what I had in mind when I suggested a father daughter day. I decide to just shut up about it. That's better than arguing with him and him playing the psychologist card on me.