I used to hope for a panic attack. I used to hope for an accident that won't kill my, but one that will hurt me. I used to hope for something that will make me stand out. Something that would approve the idea that we all matter. That I'm not a puppet in a big big show called - "The Earth". I was willing to get myself hurt just to know that I matter. How SICK is that?
I think I have OCD. That'd obsessive compulsion disorder. Many people think that they might have it, and many people might be faking it. I don't know if I really have OCD though. I'm not a doctor. When I was little, my sister and I shared a room. I had to say "goodnight" a thousand times until it felt right. If you'll ever watch me type something you can see that when I'm not typing, I write letters that aren't even connected to what I'm writing and deleting them. And I do it very fast, like a tick. I have no idea if those things count as OCD simptoms. And of course, these aren't the only thing I do. If I think about touching the wall then I'll have to do it. I'll have to. Where did the thought come from? I have no idea. But it did. If I debate whether I should go to the bathroom while I'm already in bed, I'll go, even if I don't really need to,just because I thought if it.
I'm scared of the dark. I really am. It might be stupid cause I'm 16 years old but I don't think it is. I don't watch horror movies, but two trailers were enough for me to be scared. A light light is enough for me, but if you're ever stuck with me in a dark place and I look bad, just know that I'm shaking of fear. I can't count on all my fingers the amount of times I didn't get out of bed because I was afraid, or the amount of times that I was just laying in bed, covered with a blanket, shaking. I hate it. It's terrible, it's horrifying and it's fucking reasonble. I'm scared of the dark, and I'm OK with that!
LG
