ethereal : it oneshots

everyone is drawn to you

pairing: none but bill is a little in love with stan

tw bad bad things! suicide, self-harm, death, etc. stuff like that. i'm sorry. 

today, bill is not strong enough. yesterday, bill was not strong enough. and as weak as he is, he does not want to be strong. he does not want to push through, he does not want to wake up, and he certainly does not want to get better. he does not want to smile, or laugh, or fall further in love. he does not want to love anyone, tragically, and he does not want them to love him. he does not want to cause trauma for anyone except himself. 

a little too late for that, bill. 

bill tells his brain to shut the fuck up. it doesn't work, obviously, because his brain is all he has left to listen to. there is no other noise here, on the floor of his baby brother's bedroom. there is no noise, because the baby brother is nowhere to be seen. nowhere to be heard. except for down, down, down, down. bill wishes, just a little bit, to join him. after all, isn't that what he deserves? he's the one who really sent him there, shooting him in the head. who knows what bill is capable of. 

bill's not sure he's capable of love, honestly. well, that's not true. he's proved that. his point, however, is that bill's not sure he wants to be capable of love. he doesn't want to have them over, and he doesn't want to go. he doesn't want to hurt them, though he knows he's doing it anyway. that's impermanent though, right? eventually, they can let go of him, and there won't be any more damage to be done. 

bill's not naïve, he knows he's already caused a decent amount of painful damage. but if it could all stop, right here, right now, it might be alright. he knows he's caused richie damage, and eddie, and mike, and beverly, and ben. and god, does he know he's caused stanley damage. 

you left him. you fucking left him. he almost died. what is fucking wrong with you?

bill knows what stanley does. bill knows what stanley considers. bill is not shy to stan's habits, pulling at his sleeves and pulling his hair violently. though, it has been a while since bill has seen the habits, having distanced himself. he is not shy to stanley withdrawing from wanting to bird watch, or hang out, or do anything. bill knows what that is like. 

and bill can't really say anything, because it's not like he's much different. he wants to tell stan, please don't do it, i love you, they love you, but he knows that stan would not hear it. not from bill, anyway. 

stan is the only one bill really wants to love him back, but at the same time, he would prefer stan never sees him again. he never wants stan to think of him. he wants stan to be happy. 

tough job, bill. 

it's tough for bill to really distance himself properly, because they all seem kind of drawn to him. bill wonders why. why is he the one with all this power? and why did he use it for evil? bill wonders if they would jump off a bridge if he asked them too. he doesn't want to find out.

richie keeps asking if he wants to play video games. no, rich, bill doesn't want to. go play video games with mike, or eddie. go smoke with beverly, and just stop considering bill as an option. 

mike keeps asking if he wants to bike riding. no, mikey, bill doesn't want to. mike can go to the library with ben, or bike ride with richie, or stan. mike can go sit in the farm at home with ben and bev. someone else can slink into his arm at movie nights. 

beverly keeps asking if he wants to come over and chill. no, bev, bill doesn't want to. he doesn't want to write while she smokes cigarettes, and get criticized for his endings. this is his ending with them and it's final, okay?

eddie keeps asking if he wants to watch movies together. no, eds, bill doesn't want to. eddie has an entire group of people to watch movies with. if bill wanted to watch movies, he'd sneak into the movie theatre and stay there for 3 nights straight.

ben keeps asking if he wants to help him with the clubhouse model. no, ben, bill doesn't want to. bill doesn't want to look in the clubhouse ever again. he doesn't want to see those shower caps. he doesn't want to be associated with that clubhouse ever again. 

he doesn't want to anymore. 

stan hasn't said anything. 

bill keeps asking georgie when he's going to come back. 

georgie doesn't answer. 

bill, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.

bill keeps hearing stan and georgie's voices in his head. it is no longer just him on the floor of the abandoned bedroom. he is joined by the image of the two people he let down the most. the two people who mean the most to him in the entire world, and he couldn't keep them safe. he shouldn't be in charge of anyone, never mind leading a group of kids to their doom. leading a group of kids to the image that will stay with them forever. 

it's your fault, bill. it's all your fault, bill. c'mon, you know this. 

yes, bill thinks, i fucking know.  

today, bill does not want to get better. bill wants to hurt himself. 

today, bill does not want to sleep, he wants to lie awake forever in a puddle of his own vomit, or maybe blood, on the bathroom floor. preferably not the carpet in georgie's room, but if that's all he can get, that's all he can get. 

today, bill wants to get as close to death as he can, and then be taken back at the final moment, robbed of the sweet finality of it all. today, he wants to suffer. he wants to hurt. he wants to cry, and he wants to bleed. 

today, bill is not strong enough.