DISCONTINUED

Chapter 52

"Hey, look Bo, it's a DoD party. We should totally crash it on the way home. You know, maybe we can get some free cake or something."

"Really Lu? C'mon... have some respect. That's not funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny, just practical. I mean, they're going to die anyway, so why not have it mean something, right? Their death can feed us. Not literally of course - that's gross - but with, you know... cake. No sense them dying for absolutely no reason at all like, oh... I don't know... say OUR FRIEND OLIVIA DID!"

"Shhhh! Keep it down Lu." Bo glanced around the bus, flashing an apologetic smile at the other riders who were now all staring at them.

"She did die you know Bo. Actually, no. Correction. She was murdered."

"You think I don't know that Lu?"

"Honestly, sometimes I wonder."

"Everyone grieves differently Lu."

"Yea, but everyone does grieve. I've cycled through all the stages of grief like eight times a day every day for the past three weeks. FYI, I've now pretty much settled on angry resignation. I think I may have made that stage up, but you know, 'if the shoe fits' and all. But you on the other hand... you just keep acting like each day is just another day here in paradise. They killed your girlfriend Bo! Why can't I see that when I look at you?"

Luna shifted in her seat to turn away from Bo and stare out the window, resting her elbow on the windowsill and propping her head up with her fist. Bo didn't deserve her judgement or her condemnation. She knew that. And she also knew that if she wasn't careful, she might just push away the only friend she had left in this God forsaken hellish existence they were living. No. Not living. Surviving. Or at least trying to.

The bus stopped at a red light in front of a coffee shop filled with obviously happy people, some of them having pleasant conversation, others quietly reading the paper or a book, all of them quite contentedly sipping away on their drinks. And all of them condemned to die. She noticed someone had posted a sign on the shop's front window about a missing dog. I'll tell you what's missing she thought to herself. Intelligence. Anger. No... rage. Violent, unquenchable consuming rage. That's what's missing. But please... by all means, go on sipping your lattes, idiots.

"I don't know what my problem is."

Luna turned towards Bo who sat with his head down, fidgeting with a small tear in the seat beside him. He glanced up at her and their eyes met briefly before he looked away, his already quiet voice made even more difficult to hear by the hand that he held over his mouth in contemplation as he spoke.

"I hate that I don't grieve like you. Like most people. It makes me feel guilty. Or like there's something wrong with me, like 'mentally'. Like I'm just living in denial or something. But I know Olivia's dead, I do. Or at least I know she's not here with us anymore. But... I don't know how to explain it. It's almost like I think of her as some character in a story. A story that involves you and me and all the people around us. So, it's like my thoughts of her are these great, wonderful, vivid memories, but her character just isn't part of the story anymore. It's like my mind doesn't know what to do with the reality of her having been someone that we actually lived with and loved and lost. In a way, to me it's almost like she was never really here."

Bo leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes and putting a hand to his forehead. "I can't believe I just said that. What a horrible thing to say." He shook his head, sighing deeply. "I've cried over losing her, for sure. But honestly, not that much. And I certainly miss her. But not as much as I should. Or not the way that I should. I dunno. Maybe I just need to try harder."