What If It's Not?

Kabanata 31

I still can’t believe that Paulo proposed on my yesterday. The feeling is surreal. I can’t imagine that I can be happy like this, that I can still be happy even if I’m near losing the people I love the most.

I don’t want to be a pessimist. I’m just enjoy the remaining days of life with them. Because this is what I dream of, seeing them happy and I am the reason why.

“Yve…”I saw mommy starting at me. I also saw his eyes full of tears.

“You know how much I hate seeing you being so dramatic, mommy!”I chuckled. I’m trying to cheer up people around me.

“You’re so hard-headed, para kang daddy mo…”she said and tears fell from his eyes. “Huwag ka muna sasama sa kanya, nak. Hindi pa kaya ng mommy.”

I hate being such a cry baby. Daddy passed away when I was eight. He died because of Myxoma. Maybe that was the reason why mommy is scared to lose me.

She wants me to undergo heart transplant even there’s still have no chance that I will survive it and like Paulo, she’s doing everything to save me.

“I heard that Paulo’s mommy is a CEO of their company, is there a way for you to become business partners too?”I asked her. I just want them to still be connected even I’m not around anymore.

“Of course, nak… Paula and I will become a great business partners.”I saw mommy smiled, I will miss those smiles.

“What else do you want, nak? Tell me…”

“I want to give my car to kuya. I know that car is his dream car, I want him to have it before I die…”I bit my lower lip and mommy hugged me.

“I want everyone around me to be happy before I die, mommy. I wanna see their smiles and I want them to remember that life isn’t always about storms and struggles…”

“That we can still be happy even life treats us the way we didn’t deserve to be treated…”

“Can we talk about Paulo now? I want to him more, nak...”I looked at mommy and I saw that she’s still smiling at me even his eyes are full of tears.

“He wants to marry you..."

“Do you like him for me, mommy?”

I nodded. “A man like Paulo is so rare. You can’t find another man like him and I hate the fact that you will lose him…”

“Can we stop talking about my life? Naiiyak lang ako e, masama sa akin iyon, ‘di ba?”she hugged me tight while I felt his tears falling.

Silent tears are the worst. I closed my eyes because I can’t handle seeing mommy like this.

“Yve, nandito si Paulo…”I looked at kuya while he was standing on the door. I fixed myself and wiped my tears. Bumaba ako at nakita ko si Paulo na nakaupo sa sofa at nakangiting nakatingin sa akin.

“I didn’t expect that you will come…”I said then he hugged me. Isang araw lang naman kaming hindi nagkita pero iyong mga yakap niya parang taon ang lumipas.

“I drove 180km just to be with you,"he whispered.

I cupped his face and smiled. I also wiped those tears that I didn’t want to see. I hate seeing people I love crying and the reason is me. I want to make them happy because that is my definition of happiness. Happiness is making other people I love happy.

“Sa beachside lang po kami,”I said to mommy then she nodded.
Hinila ko si Paulo papunta sa beachside.

Nandito kasi kami ngayon nagiistay sa Pangasinan, dito kasi kami nakatira bago pa pumunta sa ibang bansa si mommy. Umupo kami ni Paulo sa buhangin habang pinapanood ang palubog ng araw katulad ng palagi naming ginagawa. Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya habang hawak ng mahigpit ang kamay niya.

“I have a question, Paulo.”

“What’s that?”

“Can we set our wedding day on our first monthsarry?”I asked him while I’m resting on his shoulder.

“On November 17?”I looked at him and smiled.

“As you wish. I call the wedding organizer later. Tell me what wedding do you want…”

“Beach wedding, Paulo. I want to see the sunset when the priest announce that I am finally your wife.”I said and then I saw Paulo crying and in the same time smiling.

“Isang iyak mo pa, hindi na kita papakasalan!”

I gave him an eyeroll but he pulled me closer to him and gave me a hug. “I want to marry you now, Yve. I want to call a priest now while we’re watching the sunset.”

Tinignan ko siya ng masama habang pinupunasan ko ang mga luha sa mata niya. “Masyado mo namang pinapahalata sa akin na mahal na mahal mo ako ”

“Of course, I never loved anyone like how I love you…”he said.

“One-week na lang naman monthsarry na natin.”

“I can’t wait for that one week. I want to marry you today.”I cupped his face and kissed him.

“I can’t wait to be Mrs. Medina,"

“I still want to be with you, can you still hold on for me?”he asked while his eyes are beginning on me.

"I am,”

“Hindi na ako aalis sa tabi mo, dito lang ako ”he squeezed my hands and we both smiled on each other like we didn’t want to let each other’s go.

Ang swerte ng makakasama ni Paulo habang buhay.

“I hope the next woman you will love will treat you better than I do...”I said and then he looked at me with his eyes full of tears.

“I can’t find another woman like you, Yvaine. I never felt this before. I never loved anyone like how I love you. This is not just a fucking feeling. I know, Yvaine…”he held my hands while looking straight to my eyes.

“I know it’s us,”

“What if it’s not, Paulo?”I looked down while tears are kept on falling from our eyes.

“What if I just came into your life to fix your heart?” What if I built him for someone else?

“That’s not just a what if, this is real and I don’t mind whether it’s us or not. I love you. I will always love you, Yvaine.”

“Paulo,”

“Why are you being so pessimist, Yvaine? Why are you pushing me away from you?”

“No, Paulo. I’m not pushing you away from me...”I faked a smile while wiping his tears. Hindi ako mapapagod na punasan ang mga luha ng taong mahal ko.

“I’m just saying that don’t close your heart for someone who wants you to be happy.”I said.

“You were never born to suffer in love, remember? You were born to love and to be loved."

“Stop crying, I still want to marry you.”I chuckled and then he gave me another warm hug.

“I love you, Pau…”I whispered.

“You will always be my favorite star and you will have a special place in my heart, Yvaine.”