It comes and goes

forty-three

Camila's POV

I turned around in bed looking for Shawn but my arm just hit the empty bed on his side. I took a deep breath, more like a yawn and moved my hand around to find my boyfriend, no, my fiancé. He wasn't there. I opened my eyes and I saw the dime light making its way through the gap on the door. I rubbed my eyes before sitting on bed and making sense of everything. Alex kicked in my belly when I sat up, like if he hadn't liked the movement.

It was a warm night and I walked around the room barefoot, making my way to the living room where I found Shawn on the sofa, his head between his hands.

"Babe", I murmured with a husky voice. He looked up at me. The wrinkles around his eyes told me he was confused, exhausted and worried.

"Go to bed", he told me softly. "I'll be there in a bit".

"Are you ok?", I said stepping forward, ignoring his command.

He sighed loudly and smiled, but his smile was full with sorrow and pain. It broke my heart. I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders. He leaned on me and placed his head under my chin while I stroke his hair.

"I don't know", he said.

I held him closer to let him know he could be vulnerable with me, that I wasn't going to judge, that he didn't need to be strong all the time.

"It's ok", I whispered. "It's ok not to be ok".

I rested my back on the sofa and he moved with me. I cuddle him against my chest like he was a baby while he absentmindedly brushed his fingers over my belly.

"It's harder now", he said and then went quiet for a couple of minutes. I didn't want to push so waited till he was ready to talk to me some more. "Things were getting better. He was fine. We were fine. Our son was fine... and now. Maybe he won't even make it to meet his first grandchild".

Sobs escaped his mouth after he said that last word and I couldn't stop the tears from falling either. I understood his pain, I shared it. We were all scared.

"Whatever happens, we just have to make every day count", I said with my voice failing me. "Not just now, but always".

That was the best I could come out with at the moment. I was just as devastated as him, but we had to be there for each other, and specially for Manny.

"I love you", he said when he sat up and looked at me with red puffy eyes. I cupped his face in my hands.

"I love you too", I replied.

Given the new circumstances, we changed the date of our wedding for a month earlier. We never wanted a big wedding, so there wasn't much that we had to take care of. We just needed an officiant, a place where to do it, our guests and rings. My parents insisted on celebrating the wedding on their yard, more intimate and less stressful, they said. Karen and Aaliyah flew in a week before the wedding to help us. They brought bags and bags with gifts for the baby. In the middle of this frenzy, our son was who kept us all together and in good spirits.

"You know", Karen said while I tried on a summer white dress on the dressing room. "I got worried when Shawn told me he was moving here alone to take care of his dad. I couldn't come because I couldn't just leave ny job and Aaliyah had school so there was no other option. At the beginning, he looked tired and kind of annoyed on our FaceTime calls. I knew they weren't going to get along all the time, they're both too alike, but then he softened. Shawn's always been very reserved with his dating life, I don't know if that has to do with the divorce but he never talk much about his dates or the girls he knew, but he started talking about you right away".