It comes and goes

forty-six

Shawn's POV

Every day I woke up feeling like everthing was fine and then seconds later my mind would get clearer and I'd remember my dad wasn't here anymore. It was tough and exhausting, but it was a feeling I couldn't just let go of. I would've done that if I could because I didn't like it, but it followed me everywhere.

It was there when I was having breakfast, because my dad was my coffee provider since Camila got pregnant. It was there when I went grocery shopping, because when I was kid we would always come back with a bag of sour gummies from the store. It was there when I heard a car outside because it reminded of the times he would pick me and Aaliyah up after he moved out of our house. It was everywhere. But it wasn't totally there when Camila would smile at me, or when my son would swim inside his comfy home and kick my wife's belly. It was there, but it didn't take all the spotlight.

Thinking about Alex and doing things for him helped me and I realized that my dad would've wanted that. He was a like a natural father, he had it in his blood. He was always good with kids, all my friends adored him, so I was going to live by his example and hope that I had inherit a bit of that because my son deserved a dad that had all eyes on him.

What I hadn't realized was that I was pushing Camila by focusing just on our baby. She had been there from the very beginning of this journey practically and once again I hadn't come to her when I was feeling down. I guess that was a part of me that I still needed to figure it out.

I had my arms around her like I always did, tangled around her body and my face buried in her neck. In a way, I think I unconsciously looked for her every night. These last days had been different, though. After that night he found me drunk on our couch, it hit me like a truck what a moron I had been to her. I was trying, I was seriously trying but I couldn't let her in completely just yet. It wasn't ready, I wasn't ready.

"Hey", she murmured when I kissed her cheek.

"Hi", I replied. "How did you sleep?"

"Like I had baby inside me and another on top of me", she yawn.

"I'll always be your baby", I smiled and she moved her arm back to touch my face delicately.

"I know", she said.

I got in the shower after some snuggles and let the water wash away the morning sadness. I had taken a break from taking pictures at events... I didn't feel like it, I didn't have the energy for it. Luckily, my dad had left money in his bank account for me and Aaliyah. It wasn't much, but enough to get by a month or two. That was all I needed to get back in the game, I had told myself.

My hair was wet and it made Camila sprang when I kiss her neck when drops of water fell on her skin. She was pouring water on our mugs, still in her pijama and a messy hair on top of her head. She was the craziest creature on the planet. My hands wandered around her body and stopped over her belly.

"Feeling better?", she asked turning around in my hands and looking for my lips with hers.

"Yep", I said over her mouth and kissed her again.

Her belly was big and it kind of put a barrier between us, but I liked it. I kneeled and kiss my son good morning as well.

I couldn't stop staring at her while we ate. The light of the sun came through the window and laid on her head, making her hair and eyes glow. Her blood pressure was a just bid high, nothing to worry about, but just above the normal non-pregnant people, so her cheeks always looks rosy. I also like her perfectly french manicured hands that her best friend kept always on point. I couldn't get tired of her and everyday it was like falling in love again.