It comes and goes

forty-eight

Shawn's POV

I was completely in love with the tiniest human I had had the chance to hold in my arms. This baby, my baby had completely stolen every heartbeat and every breath out of my system. I was ready do every single thing he needed to keep him safe and sound.

Alex was three weeks old. He had been in this earth just for three weeks, how crazy was that? I loved to put my finger on his hand so he would wrap it all and keep me close. I loved to put him over my chest and run my palm over his back. And I loved the few moments he opened his eyes and wandered around because he had his mom's eyes, round and big, curious and intense.

I was watching him sleep on his crib while Camila was taking a shower. Camila... My wife was a fucking warrior and superwoman. She had put up with almost 12 hours of labor and then had to get right back at assisting this tiny human that only had eyes for her. I knew she was exhausted. The first week out of the hospital, Sinu came to help us every day. I knew Camila needed her. She didn't know how to be a mom, well neither did I know to be a dad, but it was clearly more stressful for her. We had kind of warmed up to the idea by now and were working on managing parenting by ourselves.

If I could, I would have woken up my son minutes ago, but Camila would've killed me. She had just asked me to look after him while she took a "real shower". If I dared to ruin this for her, it was over for me. Alex wanted her all the time and the only moment she could leave his sight was when he was asleep. I couldn't blame my son though, I also wanted her by my side all the damn time.

I sat on the rocking chair next to him. My dad's colleagues had sent this as a gift when they heard the news his grandson had been born. I could clearly imagine my dad sitting here with his hand on his jaw just admiring my son, quietly. Somehow I knew that was exactly what he was doing right now from some other place, just admiring him.

I wiped a tear out of my eye before it had the chance to roll down my face. He would be mad at me for crying when I had so much to be happy and grateful for.

I heard the bathroom door open and I knew Camila was ready. I wasn't waking up our kid just yet, because I was ready to have some of her attention on me instead.

I walked on my tiptoes out of his room and left the door slightly open to hear him in case he decided his nap was over. The baby monitor was also on.

Camila was standing in front of the mirror applying lotion over the skin of her belly. She had been doing that religiously during the whole pregnancy. She wore sweatpants and a baggy shirt, which now that I took a closer look, it was mine. She pulled the fabric down and undid the bun on her head to brush her hair. I felt the floral smell of her conditioner in the air and I felt hypnotized by her. She still hadn't seen me, she was focused doing her skin care routine, taking some sweet and deserved time with every product now that she could. I walked behind her, careful to not appear on the reflection of the the mirror until I was close. When I reached her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and hid my face on the crook of her neck.

"Hi baby", I murmured against her skin.

"Mmm", she moaned softly and put her arms over mind to hold me as well.

"How was your shower?"

"Delicious", she replied.

"Yeah?", I wondered moving my hands around her body. "I think you are delicious".

She was absolutely the most beautiful and sexiest girl in the world. She had that pregnancy glow that made her even more irresistible.

"No, Shawn", she whined when my touches ventured under the t-shirt and found the soft skin of her abdomen. She got my hands off her and took a step away from me, looking down.

"What's wrong?", I asked her confused but as soft as I could.

"I just... don't want-".

"I know we can't have sex", I explained myself, in case that was what she was thinking. "I just want to feel you close".

"But I'm not, I don't feel... comfortable".

She never looked up at me to meet my eyes. I just saw her face fight whatever she was feeling.

"Comfortable? With me?", I frowned.

"It's not you", she said right away. "It's, uh... me, my body... this", she said pointing at her abdomen.

"What about it?", I said clueless.

"You don't get it", she sighed.

"No, I don't", I chuckled trying to lighten up the mood somehow but she didn't seem to appreciate that, quite the contrary actually.

She frowned at me and was about to speak when we heard Alex cried in the next room. She breathed out with the words unsaid trapped in her mouth.

"I'm gonna feed him", she said instead and walked away.

I rubbed my neck confused. I wasn't stupid, I knew she was feeling insecure about her body now that she had given birth but I wanted to make her feel like nothing had changed between us. Nothing would ever change. If anything, I was more in love with her than ever before. I sat on the bed to give her some alone time, maybe confronting her so soon was going to be worse. I thought playing dumb would have shown her I didn't care about any changes in her body, but that strategy clearly didn't work. Not that she had changed much, but I guess she had a more critique eye about herself.

I walked up to the room 15 minutes later and she had our son resting over her chest, patting his back with soft and short strokes. I leaned by the door frame and watched silently.

"It's me", she repeated, her eyes looking somewhere else.

"I know what you mean", I told her and joined her inside the room.

"Don't ask me to just forget it", she said.

"Ok", I raised both hands and shook my head.

"I'd do it if I could, because I feel guilty at the same time. It's like I was blaming him for what happened to my body and that's-, that's not what...", she broke into tears and my heart ached for her.

"Baby", I said and kneeled in front of her, rubbing her legs for some comfort.

"Being pregnant was beautiful, but I don't know how to go back to not being pregnant and my body doesn't let me move on either", she whined silently to not distress our baby who was so chill just laying there.

"You look gorgeous, Camila". She hummed under her breath so I hurried to continue my point. "You gave birth 3 weeks ago, you've been a full time mom since there, figuring everything as we go. You're amazing, you take my breath away and you look absolutely stunning all the time".

"You say that because you love me", she argued.

"And therefore what I say doesn't count?", I raised my eyebrows.

"It's not that", she sighed. "Can we just not talk about it now?"

I held her gaze a few seconds. I wanted her to believe my words, to get her confidence back because she had nothing to be insecure about. But I knew better, so I didn't push.

"Ok", I said under my breath and stood up.

I kissed her forehead and then took Alex in my arms. We walked away to give her some space again. She smiled at me, not her usual smile. A sad, tired, confused smile.

When we laid in bed at night, I spooned her body and held her close to me, but when I tried to lay my hand over her tummy, she took it between her fingers and put it over her chest. I fought the urge to sigh at her response because I knew she was going through something real, normal and important.

"I love you", I whispered against her hair.

"I love you, Shawn", she said slowly falling asleep.