Getting over my feelings for you is going surprisingly well. I still think about you, but less.
Maybe I should just stop trying so hard. I like you a lot but, you're slowly fading away and sometimes feel like I'm not that special to you. I hate this feeling. I hate trying and not getting what I want. I'm backing up and I hope you miss me.
At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away.
It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation.
What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
♡
Best of luck to us both.
No hard feelings,
♡
I've liked you for a while, since sophomore year, when you were in my English class. I liked the way you laughed and how you could always make me smile. I've written many letters to you on this website, because I always hoped that you'd eventually read them.
We don't have any classes together this year. In fact, our schedules conflict so much that it's almost impossible for us to meet. But I've still liked you regardless. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but in addition to cowardice, for religious reasons, I couldn't have given you anything. I couldn't be your girlfriend, or be there for you anytime you needed someone to talk to. So I kept my feelings to myself, though many of my friends guessed that I did.
This week, I found out that you have a girlfriend. It felt like my heart was collapsing inwards, and I couldn't breathe. I had plenty of opportunity to bury myself in work before, but now it's the weekend and I need to come face to face with my own heart: I like you, and you like someone else.
I had expected tears from myself, but a dream I just woke up from opened my eyes, or rather, forced me to face my feelings:
I have two friends, a girl and a boy, who started dating a few days ago. I was, and still am, extremely happy for them. They're adorable and complimented each other well. Even though the girl wasn't present in it, they were also dating in the dream I had last night, where, after school, the boy insisted on walking me to the train station. Confused, I agreed, since he is my friend. While walking, he asked if I wanted to hold hands with him, which finally prompted me to ask if he was ok. He stuttered out that he was fine, and, asked how weird it would be if he liked me. Shocked, I could only just stand there as he confessed that he liked me.
Although if I hadn't woken up, I would have told him that I couldn't do that to my friend, and that he needed to reevaluate his feelings for his girlfriend, I still felt sadness when I did. Not because I wanted him to like me, but because I thought that for the first time in my 16 years of living, someone actually liked me, you know?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kinda realized something that I always knew, deep inside: I kind of held on to this idea of you because I always felt like one day, you could have liked me back. That isn't to say that I never really liked you - I did - or that you're not a great guy - you are - it's just that for all these months after sophomore year, I've been falling for an idea, and not you yourself. I'm sorry for that. I think that I can now formally start to get over you. I wish you happiness with your girlfriend. Thank you for all the happiness you've given me too.
I didn't realise how much I missed you till I met someone today with your name.
I miss how we used to text into the early hours of the morning about anything and everything.
The times when we bumped into each other while travelling the daily commute.
The times when we wished each other happy birthday, or Merry Christmas, or Happy New Year at all the ungodly hours of the day.
The times when we wrote silly notes on paper, and whispered to each other the funniest, weirdest things, all without a care in the world.
But life caught up with the both of us, and we've stopped communicating for quite a while now. We didn't even exchange holiday greetings this year, even though we've done so the past three years.
It doesn't feel like the end for me, though. Because whenever I see or hear your name, my breath catches and I only think of you. It's a really common name, but I associate it with only you. Sometimes it's awkward, because the other person with your name deserves to be viewed as themselves but I can never do that, can never bring myself to say that person's name aloud no matter how hard I try-- in my mind, that name is yours, and I can't help but think of you instead.
I don't want to believe that the past few years were nothing, although we never really said anything about it to each other (I wonder why? Was it fear? Or was it just delusion on my part, and in actuality you feel nothing for me?)
Whatever it is, I wish you all the best in no matter what you do. I'll be thinking of you, even if you don't me.
♡
f*ck it, i deserve to be happy too.
