Everything Anew

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Thirty-Nine

Lila

Even on the days I got out of bed and trained with Evan, I felt hollow. I went about my day without feeling much of anything, but I knew I had to push myself to get things done. I ate mechanically, talked to the other members, and saw the looks on their faces when they turned away and hid behind their own masks of grief.

Regardless of how I felt, the pain paid off in other ways. While training with Evan, I wasn't fazed at all when he climbed on top of me and his hands found my neck. I used the anger and sadness within me and brought it out on him, rather than on myself.

I screamed as I pinned him to the floor, my blood pumping and eyes piercing his while tears streamed down my face. Not for a second did Evan tell me to be kinder to him, or demand I stop crying. I felt bad for the few bruises I added to his skin afterward, but he brushed it off and told me to keep going. "The only way to defend yourself is to do so without hesitation." He told me.

With that in mind, I had received my own fair share of injuries from our sparring. Evan also didn't hold back as much as he did before, and it wasn't because of his anger. I told him to stop being defensive and become more offensive. I remembered the way I tried fighting off the Rebels the night of the attack, and how much harder it was to go up against someone who actually wanted to hurt me.

Each time Evan swung at me, I made sure to feel it. I told myself what I needed to change in order to avoid it next time, instructed myself to keep an eye out for his weaknesses and use them to my advantage.

It started to become habit, and as the days stretched on, my fear continued to become my strength. I used the weight of him on top of me to push against him harder, to use as much strength as I could muster to twist around and switch our positions.

I still felt that panic inside me each time his hands grabbed me, but along with that coiling anxiety, I also found the part of me I thought I lost months ago. My wolf and I were finally balanced again, and when I felt her sing within me, we danced.

"Enough for today." Evan rubbed his jaw where I elbowed him. "Get yourself washed up and get a drink."

I was panting in front of him now, taking a drink of water and pouring some over my face to cool myself off. The beta patted me on the back and praised my fighting tonight, but I barely moved when he headed upstairs.

Nathan was now gone for a week and a half, and in a few days I'd go back for him. Each time I thought about it, the memories flooded back to me. I knew I'd have to see their familiar faces again, see what they wanted to do to me. There was no doubt in my mind that they'd try it again, and I wondered if I was ready for it this time around.

I grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat off of me while I went upstairs to cool off. I showered and put on one of Nathan's shirts. His scent calmed me, and at night I found myself curled up in our blankets with his pillow against my head. It reassured me to imagine he was there beside me, rather than in the hands of our enemy.

Braiding my hair over my shoulder, I was halfway down the stairs when I bumped into Eric. He stopped a few steps below me, forcing me to look down at him in order for us to be eye to eye. I waited for him to walk around me and continue upstairs, but he stayed where he was instead.

"They've told me what you're planning..." he leaned against the railing and looked over it, avoiding my gaze. "You're going back for him?"

"I am." I answered without hesitation.

Eric turned to face me; his striking blue eyes piercing mine. "Why?"

"He's my mate." I said it as if it was as simple as that.