The Perfection of My Insanity

sorry

Liam just sits down and there is an awkward silence.

"Ok I see my rude ass friend isn't going to introduce me to her boyfriend" Jade smiles widely and I almost spit out my milk.

"No we're not.....!" Liam and I shout at the same time.

"We're not dating" I say nervously.

"Yeah I'm more of the big brother type with her" he laughs

"Hey why am I the little sister" I pout and he gives me one of those 'You know why'  looks.

"Oooh you must be Liam" she laughs and he automatically looks at me.

"What is that suppost to mean" he says cocking his eye brow at me.

"Nothing" I say looking at Jade and giving her the'Act like I told you something about him look' to keep her joke going. "Liam, this is Jade my best friend" I tell him now focused on my food.

"Yup, and what kind of best friend would I be if I didn't take you to this party with me tomorrow night" she said sounding really exited.

"A party you say" I speak playfully.Jade has this glow about her that makes anybody happy and this whole party think might make my high school experience a little better if I can loosen up.

"Yeah my cousin Ryan really owes me one so he has invited me to this big frat party that he is going to" she says pushing a french fry in her mouth.

"Are you sure thats ok with him?" I ask not really care about how he feels about it but I surely don't want to get kicked out of my first party.That would be fucking embarrassing.

"I'm sure he'll be cool with it, you know 'the more the merrier' .Besides I can take you and you can take Liam" she says pointing at him and I just now noticed that he hasn't said anything the entire time of our conversation.

"Um,I don't think so my mom would kill me if she found out I went to a frat party" he says shaking his head.

"Well...what momma don't know wont hurt her" I smirk,"Count me in"

Jade claps her hands and I can tell she is very happy about me going. Liam kind of just stays quiet about the subject.I know that he is silently telling me not to go to the party.

After lunch we all went our seprate ways.

I was headed to my french class when I spot Zayn in the hallway.I feel like I should run the other way or slap him in the face.Something.Anything but speak to him.

And to my fears that is what he tries to do to me.

"Hey, Diamond can I talk to you?" he asks.

"Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told Harry.....go fuck yourself" I speak as I try to walk past him.He grabs my arm and pulls me into the girls bathroom.I yank my hand away and was about two seconds from slapping him in the face for touching me.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry ok. What we did was wrong and we never should have pushed you to that point" he says and I swear that is just what Harry said on the bus.

"What are you guys sharing each others speaches.You guys are really something and by something I mean full of shit" I glare at him and just like Harry,he too has nothing to say.

"Have you heard of Ntozake Shange?" I ask and he shakes his head.Of coarse he hasn't.

"Well she wrote a poem and it says the words sorry alot" I say but I can tell he isn't following.

"I don't get how-

"One thing I don't need is more apologies.I got sorry greetin' me at the front door, you can keep your's. I don't know what to do with them, they don't open doors or bring back the sun.They don't make me happy" I quote and he just stands there.Starring at me with selfish eyes.

"Do you forgive me" he asks plainly.

I give him my honest answer.

"No"

"Why? you forgave Liam pretty quickly or that's what it looked like when you popped out of his closet" he says with a harsh tone.

"Oh yeah, wasn't that a little before you held me down while your so called friends jumped him!" I yell and he looks away almost as if he were ashamed. "Or was it when you grabbed me by the face and told me to watch" I say killing him with my words.

"I'm trying to apologies for that.I said I'm sorry!" he yells in frustration.He still doesn't get it.

"Key- word 'said'. You keep saying your sorry when I don't care. You can't say anything at all to make me hate you any less than I do already. Do you want to know why I forgave Liam and not you" I yell and he pulls his eyes from the bathroom floor.

"He didn't say anything"

"What?"

"I didn't forgive him based off of anything that he said.Nope,nothing, he didn't say a word to me that made me forgive him....he showed me. He genuinely gave a shit about me and not rather or not his guilt would go away after. He proved to me that he deserved to be forgiven unlike you who through together a couple fucking word and expected me to forgive you" I say with balled fists.It was true,Liam did say a whole bunch of bullshit and I forgave him but what he did after was what made me not regret it.He protected, cared, and showed me that I wasn't alone.

"The difference between Liam's apologie and the one that you gave me was that his was real and your's wasn't. You want me to forgive you for your own guilt...so you can feel better. So you can sleep at night. So you can look at yourself without throwing up. Selfish. I'm pretty sure Liam would have still tried to protect me even if I didn't forgive him. He just wanted me to be safe.He cared about me.Not his own guilt"  I say on the breaking point.

"I'm sorry..I don't know what else to say I'm sorry" he says trying to calm the tear streaming down my face and fury burning me alive.

"Sorry......" I scoff at his use of the word exiting the bathroom.