The Perfection of My Insanity

Blaze

Diamond POV:

There he stood in the doorway of his room. With wet hair and a red tooth brush hanging from his lips. I see a smile tug on his lips when he saw me wake but I couldn't smile back. I was too terrified and all the event of the dream, no, all the events of the nightmare I had came crashing through the wall that I left unguarded. I only let my guard down for what felt like two seconds and already I'm under attack.
They say that you don't remember all the events of a dream but I remember everything from this nightmare and I wish I could forget. But I feel the same terror and I can feel the same knife and the same tears. The same tears that are threatening to run down my fave now. The same tears that are threatening to show him that I'm weak. I pull back the covers and focus on the floor.If I blink then the tears will come, if I speak then my voice will crack and he will know.
He knows already
Damn it
I bite my bottom lip and avoid his eyes. He doesn't say anything or do anything. Neither do I.
I slide out of his bed and slowly walk towards the door. If I run then he will know.
He knows already
Damn it
I keep walking and maybe just maybe if I keep walking with my head down and my mouth shut then I can walk through him. Cause there is no way in hell that he will move out of my way.
So I keep walking and I'm just about to go past him when he grabs my hand and I flinch harder then I've ever before. Retreading my hand away from his touch.
"Wait" he says in that deep ass voice of his and for a second my heart stops. That's his voice a tiny untouched part of me says inside. That's his voice she shouts at me.
Against Evey fiber of my being I look up at him and I see those eyes. Those are his eyes she tells me. I stare at him and his wet dark hair dripping down his face and he gives my that look. He gives that "you know you'll tell me" look but I stare at him and his dripping hair and I can't stop thing about the blood. His blood dripping on my face.
Oh god help me
Please I tell him inside my head. Please let it go this time. Please don't make me tell you this time. Please just let me pass just this time damn it.
He bites his lip in a frustrated way like he was fighting against something and then he looked at the floor as if to dismiss me. I jog the bath the before I cry and the smell of body wash hits me again. There is still steam in the air and on the mirror. I wipe it away with my hand and look at myself. Red puffy eye and a quivering lip. Like a damn baby.
Grow up, you're better than this
I bite my lip again to hold be the tears. It didn't work.
They just kept coming and they wouldn't stop running down my face and under my chin. I just wished it would stop.
If it had stopped then people would be able to see the puffiness in my eyes or the other signs that I had been crying. That I had been weak.
I wrapped my hair up and pulled on a shower cap. I had decided that I would wash my hair another time because of the weather. I wiped my face one last time before taking a deep breath and stripping myself of my clothes and stepping into the shower. There wasn't anything spectacular about my body, in my opinion I was quite plain. I had somewhat average to regular size thighs and small boobs. I was a B-cup so it wasn't anything to brag about. Small hands and an awkward birthmark on my left leg that looks like someone draw a tiny oval on my brown skin. Freakishly long legs and a dimple drilled into each side of my face. Long eyelashes, tiny little ears that I mostly cover with my hair.
Oh god don't even get me started on my damn hair. This mess of bipolar hair that's straight one minute and crazy the next. Lord have mercy for when it gets wet. My hair goes from straight stopping between my shoulder blades to this wavey monster of tangles and fluff.
A laughable joy to others but my personal hell.
I don't have beautiful qualities. I'm not one of those girls in the movies that you see and immediately want. I'm average at best so I can't see why I'm still around. I can't see why would he want me.
That stupid nightmare I had wasn't Jason I know that but I'm still scared of him now. I can't explain it but its different now.
Everyone wants something but what the hell does he want from me. I can't give him anything that when would want. Except...
That.
And I don't know why he would want it.
What else would he want from you
He doesn't date
He just fucks and moves on right
Why would you be any different
He said that he would be my 'teacher' and I fell for that shit. Although I can't lie to myself and say that I didn't want something more.
All I can think about is that voice coming from his mouth and that house and that room. The simple fact that he was there, dream or not, it's craved into my brain and I want it out.
He's not the one who did that to you
I know that.
But he could one day
He could be just like Jake who'd fuck anything if he was drunk enough.
Or like the fake Ryan who'd manipulate any girl into getting what he wanted.
Why didn't I see this sooner
Because you didn't want to