The Perfection of My Insanity

I Found You

This was us. This was how we communicated with one another. First, we use jokes. Then, explode up at each other. Then more jokes and the process repeats. We were still sitting in his car where the only sound was the heat blowing. "You really need to pull your head out of your ass, Diamond." He finally says something. I glare at him and scoff, "No, I mean it. Jesus, have you heard a single fucking word I've said! You've got your head so far up your ass that you can't even hear yourself!" I don't want to hear this shit. I shift in my seat,"You say I'm a liar? Yet you're still in my car! You say that I'm just using you? But I've never done anything to make you think that! You're building the thickest brick walk against me, using rumors and bullshit and your own deep seeded fucking insecurities!" 
"Shut up!" I yell at him. My fists were clenched and I was biting down so hard, I could have broken my own jaw. He had no right to say those things.
"You know I'm right. We both know it. You want a reason to stay away. You're knit-picking and pouncing at everything that goes wrong just so you can keep your distances. What I don't know  is why." He's running his finger through his hair with a clenched jaw. The frustration was clear on his face.
"Why is this so important to you? If I'm so difficult then just get a new girl!" I feel so defeated. I was growing tired of fighting.
"You're doing it again! Stop pushing me away!" He yells at me.
"Stop trying to pull me in!" I yell back. This is too much. "If I'm so difficult, if I have my head so far up my ass then just get a new girl! I can imagine it won't be that hard for you!" I look at him up and down. He wouldn't even break a sweat.
"She won't be you, you idiot!" He yells even louder,"You really don't get it, do you. I like you, you idiot and I'll catch whatever you throw at me. I won't give up that easily on you, no matter how hard you push, I'll pull harder." He ends with a chuckle, but I don't understand what's so funny.
"Why?" I ask. I had to ask why. It was a simple and quiet question, one that he would most likely answer with some frustrating riddle or something. I'm not some special chosen one. That's not how the world works, the hot guy doesn't ask the shy girl out, the nerd doesn't get the cheerleader, and the Romeo and Juliet die in the end. Life's not like the movies, it's not like the fairy tales, and it sure as hell isn't some after school special where everyone learns a lesson and we all jump into a god damn freeze frame.
"That's got to be your favorite question. Why." He rolls his eyes, "Why me? Why not her? Why do you want to know? Why, why, why." He mocks me.
"But why'd you choose me?" I feel like I'm crawling back into the shell of the girl I used to be. There was no trace of that girl who stood up to Amy or climbed over Jason's lap. I was reverting into a little doll. I needed to know why me.
"I didn't choose you." He laughed, "I found you." I looked at him like he was crazy, which he most likely was.
"I know it's corny but I found you. I found you in my kitchen, in the hallway, at the frat house, in detention, I even found you today. I didn't choose you, if I did that'd make me a stalker. I found you, Diamond, and finders keepers." He placed his hand on my thigh and made my heart jump.
"No. No, not again." I take his hand away. "I'm not getting sucking back into this. It doesn't matter what you claim to feel, maybe I don't want you! Maybe, I'm just not that into you! Maybe, you should just get over whatever is going on with you and leave me alone!" I spit at him. He was right when he said it'd be easier to just walk away.
"Because you don't want me to!" He yelled but it was a different than before. He wasn't angry, he was proclaiming a fact, "Maybe, you don't like me and maybe you're just not that into me, but you don't want me to stop. You do like me and I'm not letting you off the hook just because you say you want me to."
"Someone's full of themselves." I roll my eyes at him.
"Baby, that's besides the point. The point is you like me, you like what I do to you and you love how I make you feel." He's got that smirk on his lips now as he says this.
"You are so full of shit." I shake my head at him and couldn't help the smile on my face.
"And so are you. You say all this crap about leaving and not being into me but lets be honest here it's all a load of horse shit. I see your face when you're with me. I hear you laughing and I feel the difference when you're not happy." He's so full if it.
"I'm tired of these games, Jason." I breathe out.
"Are you kidding me right now, you might love games more than me." He wasn't angry yelling anymore, now he seemed more hyper happy than anything.
"Glad you're not yelling anymore." I say plainly.
"Well that's because your argument's so flimsy now. You've resorted to just plain lying. It's kind of funny." He laughs. He's laughing at me.
"My argument is not flimsy and I'm not not lying." I shift in my seat .
"So you're not lying?" He asked smirking over at me.
"No." I say with the utmost of seriousness in my voice.
"So you really don't like me? And you're not using classic defensive tactics to keep yourself from giving me a chance? Oh, and you must hate the games we play? I also suppose that you never want me to touch you again? Damn I must really seem like an asshole." He's back to his jokes again.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes and most definitely yes." I cross my arms.
"Diamond, you like me or you wouldn't be in my car. You've been literally searching for any reason not to give me a chance. You love the way I touch you and you love the games we play, you just don't like to lose." He grins. He had his hand back on my thigh except he rubbed his thumb in little circles.
"I don't, I can't-"
"You can't what?" He's talking in his low sexy voice again. The one that takes my breath away. He was leaning in and those gray eyes were holding me hostage "If you want me to stop, then say it." He whispers. His lips only inches away from mine.
I could say it, I've said it before when I didn't even mean to.
Stop. stop. stop.
It's that easy.
He was waiting on me, staring into my eyes.
"Go ahead, tell me to stop." He whispered again. His hand was gently caressing the side of my face, "Tell me to stop." He said again, taunting me.
I had the power to tell him to stop, I've proven that. The static shock that I felt when he was too close or not close enough started to dance it's way up my spine and hug every skin cell on my body until that were covered in goosebumps. I was paralyzed.
I could no longer hear the heat blowing the warm air onto me or the slight rumbling coming from the engine of this beat down beauty. Just my heart beat again. Reminding me that yet again I'm not immune to the void. I'm not immune to his charming grey eyes or his expert pink lips.
I did the one thing that I forbade myself from doing.
I kissed him.
I kissed him.
And I didn't stop there. I ran my fingers through his hair and he pulled me onto his lap where I straddled him like a horse. His head tilted back and hands found their way to my waist. He pulled me in close like he was afraid I'd drift off into the air. I pulled his hair harder, tilting his head further back. I felt his jaw and cheeks and hair all moving beneath my finger tips. And a deep moan came from his throat when I tugged on his hair even harder.
Truth be told, I was angry with him and I liked to pull his hair and I liked that sound he made. I did this to him. In his retaliation he gripped my ass and thighs hard, pulling me in so close that him, the seat, and I were almost one.
He tugged at my bottom lip with his teeth and those wicked grey eyes burned into me again along with a smirk plastered on his lips.  He let go and I grabbed his face with both hands, finally releasing his hair. I reached down and pulled at the tiny leaver on the side of his chair, causing him to fall backwards. I was fully on top of him now. It was my turn to sit high and watch the damage that I caused. I got to see the brief moment of him breathing heavily and flustered underneath me before I leaned back down and gave him one big, long, passionate kiss goodbye.
Of course he didn't know that until I grabbed my bag from the back seat and opened the car door to leave him.
My mind had still not changed. I couldn't drag him into my shit crazed world and I couldn't give him what he wanted. I didn't even know what he wanted.
I jogged past the variety of cars and tragically attempted to ignore the chilling cold winds. I had to get away from him.
I could not look back. I can't slow down. If I even allowed myself to think about how good it felt to be back in his car then I would be.
I felt the pull. He was coming after me and yelling for me. But unlike him I wasn't willing to make a scene. I opened one of the double doors and ran inside. I don't even know what time it is right now.
I shouldn't have kissed him.
God damn it!
But it felt so good.
"Diamond!" He yelled after me again. He pulled me to the side, up against the lockers in the deserted hallway, "What the fuck was that!" He whisper yells at me. We were both breathing hard and he was biting his lip. I couldn't tell if he was furious with me or if he wanted to fuck me up against the lockers.
Probably both.
"Answer me." He said through gritted teeth.
I took a deep breath. "That was goodbye, Jason." I sigh out. In my brief seconds to consider his reaction, I thought that he might punch a locker, laugh in my face, maybe look at me as if I just insulted him. I really needed this time to work. I needed this time to be real. I had to walk away from him, for both our asses. 
"What the hell is wrong with you." He sighed out defeated. He pitched to bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply, "I was wrong. You absolutely love to play games more than I do. What kind of person says good bye like that. And after I basically gave you a damn biography of myself. You know me. You know I don't give up that easily." He was calm, surprisingly.
I really shouldn't have kissed him.
"We don't want the same things. I don't know why you're being so stubborn and trying to hang on to this! I admit, I shouldn't have kissed you, that was a mistake. I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. But I haven't changed my mind. Whatever you want with me, it can't happen. Goodbye, Jason." I shake my head at him and speak slowly so that maybe it'll sink in to that thick skull of his.
"Why do you insist on being so damn stubborn and fighting this. You kissed me and you liked it. It wasn't a mistake and we both know it. I want you in whatever way that I can. You want me. But for some reason you keep resisting, you keep pushing. So I'll just have to pull harder." He grins and pulls me into him. Pushing me up against the lockers and slamming his lips into mine. He used his thumbs to run circles on my cheeks. And his tongue to explore my mouth. He bit my lip again, hard, which made a sound come from my mouth that I hadn't heard before or knew I could even make. But I didn't push him away.
He let go and his hands slowly drifted from my face to my neck, his thumb trailing along my jawline. He snaked his other hand around the small of my back, pulling me in close.
My heart beat was so fast, I thought it would pop out of my chest. I didn't even try to control my breathing, it was no use anyway. He'd never held me like this before, he'd never kissed me like that before and I was under his spell.
"Good bye, Diamond." He smirked before placing a small chased kiss on my lips and mouthing the words,"Round two."
Like on cue, the bell rang. He dropped his hands from my lower back and neck. Checking his watch and walked away.
I watched him walk down the hallway and thought to myself "Damn, what is he doing to me".
With my head leaned up against the lockers I tried to calm myself and fix my hair before my class. Jay's idea of payback was brutal, I can only imagine what to expect from him now. My throat was getting dry, I really needed a drink. I stop at the nearest water fountain and take a few sips. To my shock this seemed to be the only water fountain on the first floor that wasn't lukewarm.
"Hey, Diamond." My head shoots up at the voice, it's Liam, "We missed you at lunch today." He smiles at me. He takes a small pause and looks over my face.
"Are you okay, you look a bit flushed?" He asks with concern in his voice. I found that hard to believe, given my pigment. I smile back at him, though.
Oh shit now I can't stop smiling.
"I'm fine, how are things with you and Jade." I ask, trying to deflect the conversation from myself.
"We're good." He smiles, too hard. Gross! Now images of him and Jade making out are in my head.
"Jade said you two had a talk about Jason, how'd that go." He's rocking back and forth, like he always does when he's nervous.
"It was...informative." I scratch at the corner of my month. My lips feel weird. Oh god, now I'm smiling again.
Shit, Diamond, stop smiling. Oh my god stop fucking smiling!
"Informative, huh?" He raises his eye brows at me, "And would the information you got, be from kissing him?"
"Gross!" I shut my eyes. I can't talk about this with Liam it's too weird. "That's enough, okay, you can stop now."
"I'm just saying I got some information today too." He grins and looks off into he distance to reminisce.
That's too much. I plug my ears and walk away like a child singing 'la la la'.
I was off to fifth period. I couldn't stop smiling. I had to stop I couldn't let him suck me into this again.
I sat at my desk twirling my pencil, the teacher wanted us to read something about some war. In my opinion it's all bullshit. But you have to know how bullshit your way through life.
I would read about a paragraph's worth before I would randomly think of him. I was this close to successfully completing a whole page when the teacher mentioned to a student that one of her favorite stories was The Most Dangerous Game. I was unfortunately a willing participant of my very own dangerous game. I was dancing with the devil and I didn't even know how to tango. 
I could picture Jason as the devil, him riding off in his red beat down dodge with those gray eyes and almost midnight black hair, blasting some loud song as it bangs through the speaker, " I'm on the highway to hell!"  He'd look over at me and wink, then say something poetic and cheesy all roles up into one. Finally, he'd kiss me and say"Baby doll, you just sold your soul to the devil." and I'd smile back and say "I know."
I was awakened by the sound the old door in my history teachers room creaking open. She went to go see who it was, a the young man handed her a pink slip. My teacher nodded her head in agreement before turning to lock eyes with me. She slid the slip on my desk without a second look and some students in the back chuckled.
I picked it up and it read for me to report to the detention room after school. I rolled my eyes and stood up to walk to my teacher's desk.
"Excuse me, there's a mistake here, this pink slip says that I skipped. I'm right here." I say politely handing the slip back to her.
"Apparently, you never signed back into the building at the front desk after your lunch hour was over. Sorry." She replied handing the slip back to me. I stood there for a few seconds, analyzing what just happened. I have fucking detention. I have detention, again, with Jay, again. I crumble up the pink slip and slide it into my pocket before taking my seat. I couldn't believe this. That pink slip couldn't have come at a more worse time. I'll be tortured by Jay in there. I won't last ten minutes.
My heart was beating fast. Both from excitement and fear. What if I didn't show up and I just went home, I could just walk away once and for all. I could be done with this whole thing. I had one more class for the day and then my final decision. The bell was about to ring so I decided to gather my things for my next class. After the bell came like clock work, we all swarmed out of the classroom like the one before and the one before that.  This slip was burning a hole a on my pocket and filling my stomach with butterflies, too bad I didn't have the balls to digest them. I roll my eyes at myself and how I got myself in this situation. How do I ever manage to get myself this these types of situations. I continued to fiddle with my locker until it clicked. With a sigh of relief, I opened it. Digging through my things to find my stupid math book, I catch a whiff of that smell. 
It smelled warm and sweet and rough. Like smooth liquor and deep seeded honey. It smelled like Jason, but he wasn't here.
Oh my god is he on me!
I smell my shirt, but sadly, no.
It was coming from my locker. I dig around the cluttered mess and fine that black hoodie. I take it out, no longer concerned with my math book or my math class for that matter. I personally remember giving this back to Jay. He must have found a way to but it back in my locker. I held the hoodie in my small hands again remembering how it felt to wear it. How I  smelled just like it when I took it off. It's so soft, I feel it between my fingertips and lift it but to my nose. I couldn't help but smile all over again. The warning bell rang, interrupted my little aromatherapy session. I place the hoodie back in my locker and slowly close it as if I'm saying goodbye. How does he even know my combination? And why would he leave his hoodie in there of all things. I contemplate the deep mystery that is Jason Willings and how he does these things that he does.
The teacher was now done reviewing an old lesson that personally wasn't all that interesting. He instructed us to get out our books and work on the homework in the last few minutes of class, but I seemed to have forgotten my book in my locker. Besides I'd have plenty of time to work on it in detention.
Honestly, it's getting kind of old trying to keep Jason away. He's already made it clear that he's not going anywhere mentally and..physically. I can't get him from under my skin or out of my head. I can't get his scent off my clothes, I can't even get his damn hoodie out of my locker.
And the way Liam smiles when I or anyone else brings up Jade. That's the way I smile. Ugh!! I fucking hate this guy! Yet, I'm smiling right now.
I want to. God, I really want to but what if Niall comes back and he'll ruin everything? I'd be The Devil vs. The Devil. But what if I just keep getting in my own way? And of course, what if Jason turned out to be the person everyone said he was?
Liam thinks I should do what makes me happy. All Jade ever wanted was got me you've happy. Jay make me happy.
Is it possible for just this one time for all the signs to point to yes and no at the same time? 
I have two minutes to figure out my next move, I have two minutes to vote yes or no.
I decide to look towards the old ancient ways of deciding treacherous decisions. Flip a coin.
It's 50/50, right. So whatever happens, the universe had to vote on it. I rummaged through my bag looking for a penny, dime, nickel, or quarter. Hell I would settle for anything that jingled at this point. I was about to head back to the drawing board when the top of my finger scratched a coin at the bottom of my back. I picked it up holding it in my palm and closing my my bag. I kissed it for luck, whispering, "Thank you, universe." Before flipping it in the air.
My eye watched it rise and right when it was about to fall into my hands Mr. Flinn reached out his large hand and caught it mid air.
"You haven't done anything this entire class period. Diamond, I would expect more from you." He shook his head playfully tucking my coin away in his pocket with a grin before I could see it. Thanks a lot universe. "Mr. Fl-
My voice was cut off my the bell dismissing us yet again. I physically give up. I need I sign, a grand big flashing sign that says yes or fucking no. I trudge back to my locker currently feeling silly for putting all my hope in a coin and even more silly for wishing I still had the damn thing.

I fling open my locker and stare at the black hoodie waiting for me inside. It's just a damn hoodie. I sigh and take it out again staring at it with a tilted head. I could only imagine what it looks like on him. I imagine him standing in front of me while wearing it. He'd shove his hands in his pockets with the sleeve rolled up so it wouldn't cover his watch. It'd fit him right, though.  I was running out of time. I had to make too many decisions in too little time. Detention or possible suspension? Jason or no Jason? Fight or Accept? It all boiled down to the same question, stay or leave?  I could have played the' If I Stay' game all day but sadly I didn't have that kind of time. I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. I swear to god my life was less complicated when there was a crazy Irishman trying to kill me.

I lean up against my locker with the hoodie still in my hand. Sliding down the locker onto the floor. My choice was already made for me from the moment I met him. As I sitting on this filthy ass hallway floor with my head leaned up against these freezing lockers trying to make sense of this mess. I have to stay. I know I have to stay.