The Perfection of My Insanity

If I were any other girl

The car ride was silent like it was the first time. Not even the radio was on and I was too scared to touch it. The only thing that I could hear was the constant sound of the tires running over snow, slush, and gravel. It was like that staticy bullshit that drives you insane when your radio's on the wrong station.
I'll count to three no, no, five. I'll count to five and I'll just turn on the damn radio. It's a fucking radio.
1..I was tapping my foot like cazy and my palms were sweating.
2.. It's a fucking radio, it's just a fucking radio.
3.. Why do my hands feel like this
4.. How am I sweating in 20 degree weather.
5.. I reached for the damn thing and so did he. Our fingers touched like some god damn Twilight movie.
The car swerved a little and he slammed his hand back on the wheel. I just shoved mine under my thighs and tried to ignore his voice when he said 'shit' under his breath.
The tension was so think, a wood chipper wouldn't make a dent. God I really hate hallway boys.
You know the one, the fucking guy to walk down the hallway and you just have to look. You walk weird and smile hard but he's too busy feeling himself to look or care. He knows you're looking and he knows you're watching his every movie. But what he doesn't know is the feeling. That fucking feeling in your core that makes you feel sick but in a good way. That feeling of air leaving your lungs without warning. That fucking feeling that hits you every time you see him with the same amount of bang as the first time.
I fucking hate hallway boys.
Yet here I am in the passenger's seat, right next to the kings of hallway boys. I need to get the hell out of this car. I have to get out of this car right now.
You've fought an Irish bully, a drunken college dropout who dried to rape you, a drug dealing frat boy who tried to rape you, abusive parents, a bullets to the brain, a coma, almost died multiple fuckibg time, and fucking killed a man. You can handle a high school boy.
I can do this, it's just like two more minutes.
I told myself all the things that I wanted to hear to get though the longest car ride ever. But it wouldn't sinking in, it wouldn't sink in because the shit I was trying to push out was reluctantly running through my mind.
His tattoos, his piercing, his language, his style, his kissed. Everything I needed to forget.
I had to forget the touches and the heart to hearts. The kissing and his bedroom. I had to forget him and his effect on me. Most of all I had to forget his eyes. I've only known him for a couple of weeks and those weeks were apparently long enough for me to kiss a boy I don't know and let him put dents and cracks in the wall I had tried so hard to build. A couple weeks and I've slept in his bed, kissed him, talked to him about thing I don't want to talk about.
But the sad part is that he didn't make me. I chose to sleep in his room. I chose to do his math homework. I chose to kiss and to talk to him. It's like I'm begging to get screwed over.
The car finally pulled into the rocky drive way and I took no hesitation in getting out of it. I was pissed off, not at him but at myself. I couldn't blame him completely, I chose to take part in what ever this is.
I walked into the house and straight to the kitchen for a bottle of water. I tried to take small sips but my throat was drier than the Sahara.
"Hey, hun" said a voice that made me jump. It was Ms.- it was Helen.
"Hi" I turned to look at her so I wouldn't have to look at Jason while he walked in.
"You guys must be just getting back from David's house" she chuckled. I tense up. "Honey, you smell like mango blast air freshener" she chuckled again.
"You know about the...?" I asked her. I wasn't really accepting this at all.
"The weed" she said finishing my sentence for me, "the first time I caught Jay smoking he was fourteen. I was angry but I couldn't be a hypocrite about it, I mean I was around his age when I did those kind of things too. I don't encourage secrets in my home. I don't raise bad kids. I raise passionate ones and with passion comes mistakes. I want my kids to be comfortable with coming to me about anything, that includes you too."
I was utterly shocked. If my parents caught me smoking they would have killed me or at least beaten me half to death. No, sorry, disciplined me.
"Thank's Helen" I smile at her. She had a way with her voice that sounded so motherly and caring and warm.
"Any time, I mean it's not like I don't know Jade's messing around with your friend Liam even though Jade saids it's 'not that serious' or that Jay's...well I'm not going to sugar coat it, my son is a slut. I'm not proud of it but he uses protection, he gets his check ups and he's once again around that age. I know what goes on with my kids and in my house. I just choose to guide them with a loose hand so they can never say I wasn't there or that they didn't get to experience life."
Helen was a cool mom. Not one of the the types that you see feeding a baby drugs or anything but like she said, she raised her kids with a loose hand so they can experience life. I wish I could say the same thing about my parents.
"Well I'll let you get back to avoiding my son" she sighed and then headed for the stairs. How the hell did she-
"I know everything that goes on in my house, but for what it's worth, I think you should settle whatever it is that you two got going on. For yourself" she said pausing in the middle if the stairs and then head back to the top.
Damn it!
I don't want to. I just want to snap my fingers and forget. I hate this. I hate how he did this to me and I asked for it. I hate how despite I'm just another conquest for him, he made me feel happy. He actually made me happy, that son of a bitch!
I took my deep breaths and I counted to 10. It's time to cut these ties.
I took the steps two at a time. The faster I do this the better.
Don't fall for his charms.
Be strong
I made it to the top and his door was already open. He was laying in his bed with his dark hair feathered out on the pillow and some headphones in. I don't think he noticed me yet.
"Are you going to say something" he said with his eyes closed. Maybe he notice me. He started to sit up and take his headphones out.
It's time
"Do you want to talk about earlier?" he asked resting his elbows on his knees as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"What do you mean?" I asked. If you ignore something long enough eventually it will go away. "You had some kind of bad dream Diamond, do you really want to pretend like it didn't happen?" he was standing now. "Look, I didn't come in here to talk about some nightmare that you think I had" I roll my eyes at him. OK it's time.
"Whatever this is I don't want to do it anymore" I say, laying it down. Just like that.
"What do you mean?" he asked taking a step closer to me, "Is it because of my friends? I know it's not the geometry homework"
"It's your game and I don't want to play anymore" I shrug. I'm tired of being a pone.
"A game" he said in frustration, " No, you girls love games it's just you only like it when you think you're winning!" he spits. What the hell does that mean.
"No, I'm not going be one your little girls that you just use up and dump!" I spit back, "Because that's what you do right? You just find another girl you want and use her up, then it's on to the next. I'm just another one of them to you."
"Where the fuck is this coming from? Is this about what ever you dreamt about because it's just a fucking dream, baby doll" he kept coming closer.
"Stop!" I yelled at him, "Stop trying to corner me and stop calling me that. Just stop!"
"Tell me what happen!" he demanded as he grabbed my arms. It wasn't in an angry way but in a comforting way.
"Nothing! Nothing happened it was just a fucking dream will you stop it!" I yelled at him again.
"So you admit it, why won't you just tell me!" he said running his fingers thru his hair.
"Because you don't care! You're the bad guy! You use girls for sex and break their hearts!" I was getting angry with him. It's over why is he still pretending.
"I've never used anyone!" he said in a freakishly calm tone if voice. I scoff at him.
"No really I haven't. I've never lied to you! I've never forced you into anything! I never tricked you into thinking that for one second I was anyone that I wasn't! I told you I don't date! I told you about my dad! I never said we'd live happily ever after! And most importantly, I never asked you to have sex with me!" I was speechless. "But you came in my room. You got in my bed. You did this to me, not the other way around!" he yelled at me and tried to get closer.
"What are you talking about I didn't do anything to you. You're the one that kissed me, remember? You're the one who wanted to talk on your roof. I bet you do this all the girls." I glare backing away from him.
"Why do you keep saying that!? You keep twisting this like I'm the villain and I didn't do anything wrong! Your argument here, is that I might hurt you and that I have a couple flings in my past!" At this point we were just yelling at each other.
"Yeah and I don't want to be a fling." I tell him, lowering my voice in the hopes that he will do the same.
"I never said you would be. I told those girls in the past that I don't do commitment, I don't do the whole holding hands down the hallway, boyfriend girlfriend, dating shit and they didn't listen. They were too busy looking for love where I was looking for sex." he said to me, "so no, I never tricked anyone, I'm not a "player" because I told them, I told them and they didn't listen. I guess they just saw something new to fix"
"What do you want from me?" I asked I honestly need to know.
"What do you mean?" He asked with a confused look on his face. I knew it was just a stall though. Jason's never confused about anything.
"What do you want from me Jason and I want the truth" I was serious and done fucking around.
"Everything" he said looking me square in the eye, "And nothing at all"
"What the fuck is that suppose to mean Jason" I rolled my eyes.
"I want you, bad. But I have to say I want nothing from you, right? I can't say that I want you because you're my little sister's bestfriend and you're a virgin and you're different. You have to be off limits. There's too many variables with you. You want the truth?" He asked. I stood there holding my breath and trying to stay strong as I nodded my head yes. "If you were any other girl we'd be fucking right now and before you roll your eyes and say I knew it. You have to know that I mean it. If you were any other girl we would be fucking in my bed right now and all you would know is my name and I would barely know your's. You wouldn't know about my father and the bastard that he was or what kind of music I like. And we wouldn't know that we're both wildly fucked up. I wouldn't know that you could dance or that you sing in the shower. I wouldn't know that you listen to Twenty-one Pilots and that you hate the cold. I wouldn't know that you are definitely not a morning person." He said all these things while looking me in the eye and following where ever my gaze went. "If I was any other girl, huh?" I soffed at him.
"But you're not" he reassures me, "You do something to me baby doll and I can't explain it but you're not like the other girls, you're not like any other girl I've ever met before"
"And you expect me to believe that shit?" I cross my arms.
"Hell no! Because if you did then you'd be like any other girl" he smirked down at me, "and the fact that you're not like any other girl is why you get to make a choice right"
"A choice? No I said I was done with your games" I glare up at at him. "This isn't my game it's your's. Only you can make this decision" he said in a really low voice.
"What is it?" I give in. This is the last time I swear it. I'll bite fir now. He stared down at me like it was the last time he would ever see me again. I think he was stalling.
"Kiss me" he finally said. I don't think it was a question but he didn't lean in he just said it. He was still staring at me with those damn gray eyes and for a second just a second I thought I would lean in. I even stared at his lips for a while but once again. I've fought too hard to fall victim to some sexy bad boy.
"No" I say to him. It didn't feel like I thought it would. I thought it would feel like I was some independent warrior who chose the right path to her destiny but no. It felt like I was I don't know? Depriving myself.
"Great" he smiled down at me. I don't under I said no why is he happy.
"I said no" I say to him again but he continues to smile.
"You hesitated" he's grins. What?, "you hesitated, so you thought about it and if you thought about it then I still have a shot." He was serious. I just said I was done I want nothing to do with him. His he fucking delusional?
"A shot at what Jason? Your fuck buddy? Your girlfriend? You don't date. This is pointless" I was just confused. I don't know what he thinks he's going to accomplish with this.
"I don't know I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" he shrugs.
"Wipe that fucking smirk off your face you idiot!" I yelled at him. He was still smiling down at me like he had won something, "you know just because you want something doesn't mean you're going to get it."
"That all depend on how badly I want it. And right now I want you more than I've wanted anything" he sounded like a crazy person. He lied down back on his bed and I surly hope he doesn't think I'll be joining him.
"I said no damn it! I'm done with you, OK. I'm not a prize or a fucking toy from the dollar store you don't get to decided rather or not you can just have me." It was like talking to a brick wall. What was it going to take for him to get it.
"You're absolutely right you're not a toy because you can't be bought and I don't want to play with you Diamond. You're not a prize because you can't be won and I don't plan winning you. I plan on deserving you. Because if I could win you or buy you then that would make you like all the other girls wouldn't it? And I don't want that". I wanted to smother him with the same pillow he laid on. He crazy. He's so far gone in is own head u don't think he knows how crazy he sounds.
"You're not going to win this" I shake my head at him and turn for the door.
"I thought you said it wasn't a game baby doll?" He said innocently as I walk out of his room.