The Perfection of My Insanity

you can't have me

I pull all the wires off of my body and sit up.The machine that was connected to me is going off with a loud beep.I swing my legs around and place them in the cold floor.I smile at the feeling of the polished floor beneath my bare feet.I go to stand and fall down with a loud thud.

The nurse comes running in as if there were a fire to see me on the floor."Oh,darlin' you haven't used your muscles in a while, you might not be able to walk properly for a few days" she smiles helping me up from the floor and into a wheel chair.I look down at my legs and I don't see any bruises..onlt a couples faded scares.

"Umm...could you hand me a mirror please" I ask the nurse.She hands me a little mirror and I hold it to my face.

No more cut lips

No more bruises

No more darks circles around the eyes.I completely heeled.

"I-I look like....

"Diamond Parker" I look up from the mirror and see Niall in the door way.

"You look like the Diamond in the sixth grade. Like when I first saw you: slightly terrified with the same look of innocence and grace" I take my hand away from my face as Niall finishes.

"If I weren't in a wheel chair right now I'd kill you" I say with a straight face,"You're the reason I'm here right now in this fucking chair you know that" I say through my teeth.

"Yeah,I saved your damn life....you're welcome" he said with his hands out giving himself praise.

"I wanted to die from the minute you came into my life to the second I pulled that god damn trigger and you know it.You weren't thinking of me at all, you were thinking of yourself" I spit at him.

"That's not true.......

"Yes it is" I cut him off,"It is true because if you shared any shred of compassion for me you would have let me die instead of keeping me on this earth with....with you!" I yell out.

The look on his face tells me that he is hurt by my words but this little arguement couldn't compare to the pain he's caused me over the years.

"When I told you I hated you,I really ment that... you are fucking cazy and you'r a sick ass bully and.....and...... just leave" I tell him. There's not much left if me that can fight.

"Oh, like you're any better than me" he says with a laugh,"You parade around here like you're so innocent, like you're the fucking victom all the time.Yeah I beat you up a few times,cry me a god damn river.Maybe if you listen you won't get your ass in trouble.I wanted you to love me but you couldn't. I told you not to run , I told you not to fight but instead you have to be a fucking rebel"

"You're right....." I say.I look up at him and see that he is in utter shock.

"You're right.... I am a rebel and I'm not just going to sit back while you try and ruin my life.I'm going to run and fight and scream and yell beacuse I can....you don't own me...I'm not yours and I never will be.This psycho-controlly lock you try to put on everyone is so fucking insane.You can't have me and you never will" I tell him.

"You'll learn to love me" He smirk before turning his back to walk away.

"Some things are impossible to teach"I whisper.

I spent the rest of the say in the hispital. My parents came and brouht me a change of cloths and I could practically smell the guilt come from them. Even thought they weren't the reason why I tried to.......they played a part in it. Everyone plays a part in my play.

Just tie the rope around my neck.  Squeez it tight with no regrets.  Living a hell everyday and night.

There's not that much left in me to fight.

Pull the trigger, let the bullet drill through.

The only battle is you.

Let the waves take care.

There's no more need for air.

This life I live is unwanted,unloved.

Any where but here is better then none.

To say the most but say the least.

My life is usless much like a flea....