heartbreak girl | s.m.

72 | dreaming

chapter playlist ⏯
• invisible string - taylor swift
• best years - 5sos
• lover of mine - 5sos

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gemma <<<

After dropping off Dad and Liam at the airport and enduring our teary goodbyes, I agreed to have dinner with Sloane at her and Ryan's place. I hadn't hung out with her in forever (because I'm a bad friend) but it's nice to know that people will let me back in even after I push them out. It was nice to talk about everything with her and get a fresh perspective from someone who's not Edith.

However, I don't feel much closer to understanding what I should do regarding Shawn. I'm stuck between just letting fate work everything out and taking matters into my own hands. I don't even know what the latter would look like, though. I couldn't just show up at his door. But I don't want to have to plan on seeing him, either. I don't know how I want it to happen, but I just do. I just want him to know how I feel, and I want to know how he feels.

But could we ever be in love again? Is that even possible? Could that even happen for us? A couple months ago, I would have said no. I would have said hell no. But somehow, lately, he feels so much closer, so within my reach. I don't know why; I don't know what's changed, besides the obvious, but I just feel like he could be mine again. Maybe it's because I'm finally facing the fact that I'm not over him, or maybe it's because Jesse's gone, or maybe it's because growing up means being forced to come face to face with myself and what I really want. I know what I want, and I'm done running from it. Maybe I won't seek it out, but I'm done trying to evade it. If it happens, it happens.

I think I'm just starting to believe in myself a little bit. The main reason that I never entertained being with him ever again was that I felt I could never be enough for him. I felt like I'd always be a burden, and he'd always resent me for it. I just thought he deserved so much more than what I could give. I thought he was better off without me.

But now that I'm coming to terms with the fact that I really want to be with him, I'm also coming to terms with the fact that maybe I could be enough for him. I really, honestly believe that I've improved a lot with my mental health in the past year, and even though I'm far from perfect, maybe I'm not that bad. Maybe with a little bit of effort, I could be good. I could be enough, at least. Enough to be with him.

But God, I can't even imagine what it'd be like to be with him again. The thought is insane. What would it be like to sleep in the same bed as him? What would it be like to just kiss him, like it's no big deal? What would it be like to do everything with him again? I feel like everything is just too weird between us. I feel like maybe we passed the point of being able to be normal again. That's probably just an excuse that my mind is making, though.

I trudged up the stairs to my apartment, feeling dejected and rundown from these past few days. I need to lay down and decompress for roughly three days until I feel ready to get back out in society. And I can do that now, because I have no one. There's no one around to pull me out of my slumps and tell me to get out of bed and remind me how good it feels to be productive. I'll have to do it all by myself, which will be a real challenge. At least it will all be on my own terms, though.

I pulled my keys out of my pocket as I reached the top of the stairs, but when I lifted my head, I stopped dead in my tracks.

I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't seeing things.

Nope. Still there.

Shawn was standing outside my door. Well, he was sitting at first, but when he noticed me coming, he quickly stood up.