heartbreak girl | s.m.

71 | fighting for you

chapter playlist ⏯
• split screen sadness - john mayer
• the heart wants what it wants - selena gomez
• all i want - kodaline

*this chapter is really long and unedited; i am sorry in advance if it sucks and/or is riddled with errors! regardless—enjoy!

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a couple days later
shawn >>>

Every day feels like torture.

That seems dramatic, and it is, but there is this unbearable weight on my chest these days.

And it's weird, because I've gotten worse about this whole thing as time has gone on. I'm worse off now than I was six months ago, even though the breakup was fresher. It's weird that it's consuming me so much more now.

I think a lot of it is due to seeing her again in LA and kissing her again and that whole night, in general. If that night didn't happen, maybe I could have just continued to move on in peace. I could've lived a life with Paige and forgotten about Gemma and how good it felt to be with her.

But that night happened, and I was with her again, and we kissed again, and after that, forgetting her feels impossible. I was so close, and now it feels like my life's mission to feel it again. I want to feel it so badly. I took it for granted.

Look. I'm thinking about her again. She's the only thing I know how to think about anymore.

In a couple weeks, I'm going to be really busy again, though. Like, out-of-town-almost-every-week busy. And that will prevent me from thinking about her, I think.

I don't know if I'm going to make my move anytime soon. I know I said when she comes to LA, but if that's like, next week, then I don't know if I'll be ready. At the same time, I don't even think I can wait until then. I can't decide what to do, and no one around me is very helpful. Everyone thinks I should go ambush her in New York right now, which is obviously off the table. I need a real plan—one that makes sense.

Maybe I should just wait a little longer.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure something out. I'm just trying to spend time with my family while I can, and I'm trying not to seem depressed, and I'm trying to push Gemma out of my mind as much as I can. Not doing too well on the last part, though.

I wonder what happens when I cross her mind. Does she let me stay, or does she try and push me out? Does she think about me fondly, or am I just an inconvenience? I don't even know if I could handle knowing.

That's the thing. I don't know if I can even handle knowing how she feels about me. I know she loved me and I know she still has some feelings for me, but only because of our history. I mean, she said she wasn't fully over me. She said she thought she might never be. But she doesn't want that, so she's probably actively trying to get over that. She might hate me for trying to get her back, because it could hinder her forward progress of getting over me, just like seeing her in LA hindered my forward progress of getting over her. You know?

I don't know what to do. I need to talk to Edith again, I guess. All I do is talk to Edith about Gemma. But she's the best person I have. She encourages me to do it, so she must think that Gemma wouldn't be mad. She must think that there's a possibility that Gemma would want me back, right? Otherwise she wouldn't encourage me to do it.

I have a headache now. I can't keep doing this. That's why I think I need to just make my move soon. Just for the sake of my own mental well-being. This is so exhausting for my brain. I just don't want to upset her in any way.

I just want her so badly. I know I could make her happy, just like I used to. I'd do everything I could to make her happy. I'd love her better than I ever did before. All I want to do is love her. I just want to love her and make her feel loved and give her everything I can possibly give her.