heartbreak girl | s.m.

68 | unhinged

chapter playlist ⏯
• last kiss - taylor swift
• screw paris - chord overstreet
• empty space - james arthur

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a few days later
gemma <<<

If there was ever a time where waking up in the middle of the night to have an anxiety attack was not ideal, this would be that time.

But here I am.

And here Jesse is, trying to help me, like the good person he is.

Here's me, fucking up his life, and here's him, still trying to do his best for me.

Why must I be the way I am?

Jesse has a job interview in the morning. He already interviewed for the job a week ago or so, but he got called back for another interview. If he does well in this one, then he'll probably get the job, which would be such a weight off his shoulders. I want it for him so badly.

But I had to do this. I have about one anxiety attack per month, and this is the day it has to be. My stupid body had to do this. Now I'm keeping him awake and he's not getting a good night's sleep and God, now I'm panicking even more. My tears fell faster.

"I'm...so...sorry," I choked out. I feel so horrible, but I can't stop it, because I don't know how, and everything is just crashing down.

He just kept his arms around me, not speaking, one of his hands gently smoothing out my hair. I know he's not mad, but he's not happy. He's irritated, and rightfully so. I know what's going through his head right now.

Why? Why this? Why her? Why tonight?

It's valid. Extremely valid.

"This isn't your fault," he finally said.

That didn't make me feel better.

"It's still me who's doing it. It's still me who's messing up your life," I said through my tears.

He shook his head. "Stop, Gem. You're not messing up anything," he told me. "Just breathe, okay? Just breathe with me."

I did, and it helped. That's a Shawn trick that I taught Jesse. It's a good one.

Eventually, my tears stopped, and my heart stopped racing, and I slowly convinced myself that he wasn't mad at me. I decided that he was mad because of me, but that's not as bad.

"You shouldn't have even let me stay tonight," I said, putting my face in my hands. "Even the possibility of this happening is a valid reason to turn me away. You don't...you don't have to let me fuck things up. You don't deserve that."

"You're wrong," he said passively. "It's my responsibility to be there for you, just like you're there for me."

"It's way easier to be there for you, though," I said. "It's not fair for you."

He turned off the lamp next to his bed so that the room was quite dark, then readjusted his pillow and laid his head down. "Life isn't fair. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't do it, Gemma."

Is that really true, though?

"Now, I will get mad at you if you don't stop talking," he said, closing his eyes. I smiled.