heartbreak girl | s.m.

20 | realizations

chapter playlist⏯
• fallin all in you - shawn mendes
• say you like me - we the kings
• only you - calum scott

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the next night
gemma clark <<<

I spent my day writing and writing and writing, realizing that I hadn't really written in a long time. My life has been a bit busy with school, work, getting drugged, and keeping up with Jake and Edith on top of all of that. I forgot how much better writing made me feel. You could put any emotion or situation or feeling into it.

Everything I wrote was stupid, because I suck, but writing it down made me feel better for some reason. I know I told Shawn I was fine yesterday, but then I sort of had a breakdown, so could he really believe me? Obviously I am not fine.

I decided that I was going to go to Jake's tonight. We had a bit of a falling out after that stupid night with the Alex mess, and I told him that I wanted a few days to clear my head. He said he would be ready when I was. I'm ready now. My feelings are all out of whack, and I need him to put them back in order. Desperately. I'm losing more sleep than normal.

I think I was just...confused last night when I called Edith. I don't like Shawn as anything more than a friend. That's insane. I think that the fact that he was the one who "saved me" is just making me look at him a little differently. But then another part of me says that him saving me is just bringing out the feelings that I had been trying to keep under wraps before. I don't know. I'm confused.

I like Jake, that's what I know. I just want to see him, and balance everything back out. I want to get over this and move on.

I had spent the drive to Jake's place listening to Ed Sheeran, pouring my heart into each performance, as I always did. I really do like to sing, but I don't really do it too often. Jake doesn't even know that I can really sing; he just hears me hum along with the radio. Edith knows, of course, because we have karaoke sessions where she sucks and ruins every song. I love it.

Singing John Mayer with Shawn last night was fun though, even though he was about a million times better than me and he probably thought I was the worst. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it all. I feel like I can be myself around him, and he seems to like me when I'm being myself. That's nice to have.

When I got to Jake's, I walked up to the door, hoping he was home. I didn't talk to him about coming over because I sort of wanted to surprise him, and I also didn't want him to make a big deal of it. He was pretty distraught the other day when I told him I just wanted some time, so I figured this would be a pleasant surprise.

I knocked a few times on the door, and I heard quick footsteps coming my way. He opened the door, only enough to poke his head and a bit of his exposed chest out of the doorway. He looked surprised to see it was me.

"Hey Gem. What-what are you doing here?" he asked, running his fingers through his messy hair.

"I just wanted to come over," I told him with a shrug. "Just wanted to hang out."

He nodded, and he started biting his fingernails, something he only did when he was nervous. He hasn't even let me in. What's up with him?

"Listen, I'd love to hang out with you, but I'm just a bit busy with stuff for the movie," he told me. "Just on a bit of a roll, ya know?"

I nodded. "Right," I said, dragging out the vowel sound in the word. I bit my lip, wondering if I had a reason to be suspicious.

I decided that I did.

I stuck my foot in the doorway and pushed the door back forcefully with my white Converse sneaker. It opened almost all the way, seeing that he wasn't expecting me to push it and wasn't holding on tightly enough.