heartbreak girl | s.m.

50 | unavailable

chapter playlist ⏯
• postcard - troye sivan
• break my heart again - finneas
• lose you too - shy martin

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losing you
by gemma rose clark

i honestly never thought i'd lose you
i still don't think it's possible
a life where i'm not yours and you're not mine
simply feels wrong
incomplete
empty
but every day
i feel i'm getting closer to the impossible
does anything mean anything
if you don't love me anymore

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three months later - february
gemma <<<

"How does one person look so perfect all the time?"

Shawn rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. There's something so hot about him in a suit, and he knows I feel this way. Everyone feels this way, probably. But I get special behind the scenes girlfriend perks, which I am very, very thankful for. He usually FaceTimes me when he's dressed up and ready for an event because he knows I love to see him all fancy.

"Shut up," he said. I watched him adjust his tie, internally swooning with every movement he made. This is worthy of me putting aside my eighty pounds of homework. This is important.

"You know, I was so spoiled by us being together for two weeks straight that I forgot how hard being away from you is," he told me. "And it is so hard."

I sighed. It is so hard. Everything is harder when we're apart. Waking up, smiling, generally feel happy.

It's been about a month since Christmas break ended, and things are alright. We did some "rebuilding" over the break; we had some good talks and honest moments, and we even went on a couple dates and had a movie marathon or two. It almost felt like old times. I almost felt better.

Things were still a little tense, but I didn't expect that to completely go away. It's been tough these past few months, and I think we're both just trying to accept what our reality is now. It's not a fairytale, like it used to feel like; it's real life stuff, where not everything is perfect all the time. However, I'm reluctant to accept that where we are currently at is our new reality. There must be some sort of in between.

I just need to keep my head in the game and stop being an annoying drama queen. And he needs to...well, no. Better not think anything. Positive thoughts, Gemma.

But now it's back to reality, where we're apart and he is always agitated and I'm stressed out. Back to the times where I get nervous when he calls. Not because I'm scared he's going to be mad at me or something like that, but just because I don't know what the conversation could bring. It stresses me out, since our phone calls are pretty much all we have of each other; I don't want to start an argument or not be talkative enough or just not make it worth it for him. I just feel a lot of pressure.

I really don't get why things get so different when we're apart. I don't know why this distance is totally getting the best of us, but it is. I can't fucking stand it, but neither of us have the time to fix it. And we're both just so worn out and stretched so thin and just overwhelmed by everything that by the time it's our turn for each other, we're just not in any mood to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. When you can't keep your own emotions together, it's really hard to try and be someone else's emotional support.

"I know. It'll be over. Soon," I said, trying to sound hopeful for once. Even though it's not really soon.

"A couple more months," he replied. "That's honestly not bad at all."

It's really not, actually. I mean, it's technically ten weeks, which is a little more than two
months, but it's still not that bad. I mean, it's been six months already. We're in the homestretch.