heartbreak girl | s.m.

52 | change

chapter playlist ⏯
• bad - james bay
• you were good to me - jeremy zucker
• lost without you - freya ridings

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two weeks post break-up
shawn >>>

Needless to say, every day since the day I left Gemma's apartment has been empty. Every smile has been fake, every laugh has been forced, and every thought I've had has come back to her. How am I just supposed to move on as if a huge part of me wasn't just ripped away?

I don't know.

It's not even like life has been that different. I'm not in New York anymore, so we wouldn't have been together even if we didn't break up, and it's not like we really talked on the phone too much. It's just the fact that I know she's not mine anymore. I know it in my heart, and all I can hear are the words she said that night and the words I said back. I never imagined us fighting like that. There used to be a time where arguing—real, passionate, middle of the night arguing—with Gemma seemed like something that would never, ever happen. But I guess I was naive to believe that. Why was I so convinced that we were some sort of fairytale? I let my emotions get the best of me, got way too attached, and now I'm paying the price. Heartbreak.

Anyway.

It's been a couple weeks, and that's obviously given me a lot of time to think things over. I'm not mad at her. I wish I wouldn't have left when she asked me not to. I wish I would have let her explain. Maybe this could have ended up differently. I could have calmly convinced her to not end it.

But, none of those things happened. I left, and there's no going back now.

I wonder how she is. I've thought about texting her, but for some reason, I always stop myself. I need to get detached from us. But it is absolutely killing me to not know if she's okay. Maybe I can call Edith. She'd let me know, right? Just so I can sleep a little easier.

I'm getting on without her. It's hard, but not impossible. I'd like to be alone for a while, anyway. I'd like to shut everyone out, Gemma Clark style.

I have one week until I can go home and chill for a while. It used to be that I had one week until Gemma and I would finally get to see each other and talk more often, but...not anymore.

Get over it.

I can't. I don't even know if I ever will. That really scares me. I don't think I know how to get over her.

The thing that scares me most is her getting over me.

The thought of her with another guy, the way we were, makes me want to throw up. I feel sick just thinking about her unbuttoning someone else's shirt, kissing someone else's neck, whispering stupid little jokes into someone else's ear. Dancing with someone else in the kitchen, holding hands with someone else in the car, sleepily smiling at someone else when she wakes up in the morning as she rubs her eyes. Those are our things; that's my Gemma. She takes off my shirt and holds my hand in the car and smiles at me when she wakes up. Could she just do those things with someone else?

Not for a long time, I think. She's right, as reluctant as I am to believe it: she's not in the right place right now for a relationship. But, when you've been with someone for a year and a half, I think that's worth trying to save. We had been together long enough to work through it. But, alas.

Dating someone else is pretty much the furthest thing from my mind. In my head, I'm still with Gemma, anyway. I don't even know how to think about other girls like that again.

I know this is all a phase. One day, I'll be able to move on, and she will, too, and it won't hurt that much anymore.

But my plan stands just as it did the day we started dating: I belong with her. And I'll wait until she figures out whatever she needs to figure out. I'll wait forever; I don't care. I know that I belong with that girl.