heartbreak girl | s.m.

2 | honest

chapter playlist ⏯
• all we ever do is say goodbye - john mayer
• strangers - sigrid
• when we were on fire - james bay

———
the following night

gemma clark <<<

"Jake," I murmured, feeling his lips on my neck and the smell of his cologne around my head. He made a noise like "hm?" but he continued to kiss me, biting my skin gently. Damn, it felt good, though.

"Maybe you shouldn't," I said hesitantly, pulling back from him a bit.

He stopped, raising his head to look at me, and then raised his eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I want to know that your apology is sincere and that you didn't do it just so you could come over here and sleep with me."

The words lingered in the air for a moment, hanging over me and making me feel bad. But I was being honest. I've got to be honest if I want to keep this relationship alive.

His face fell, and he brushed my hair behind my shoulder gently, frowning.

"I didn't...you really think that's why I came over? You think that I would use you like that? I really did mean my apology, I meant every word. I just thought..." he trailed off, sitting back and away from me now. "Just tell me to stop and I'll stop, Gemma. I don't want it unless you do, you know that."

I did know that. Now I feel like the jerk.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be like —" I began but he shook his head.

"No, you're right. I do this every time. Let's just not," he said, squeezing my hand and giving me a small smile. He got up and grabbed his jacket. He stopped, and I realized that his jacket was hanging right next to Shawn's from the other night. I already had a lie.

"Who's is this?" he asked, pointing to it. "It's not mine, is it?"

I quickly shook my head. "Edith wore it over here a couple days ago. I think it's Brad's or something." I shrugged, thankful that I had a best friend who was willing to let me use her to lie to my boyfriend.

He believed it, I guess. 

"You don't have to leave. I just didn't want it to...be like that. I want you here, though," I told him, sort of feeling bad now.

"Really?" he asked. I nodded. I did really want him here.

He put his jacket back, and a piece of me felt guilty for lying. But telling the truth would only complicate things. It's not like I cheated on him or anything.

A harmless little white lie. That's all it was. Like he hasn't told me a million and one of them already.

"I'm sorry," he said, sitting down next to me on my bed. "I'm sorry for hurting you over and over again. I really don't want to."

I nodded. "I know. It still hurts, though."

He sighed, then interlocked his fingers with mine, looking at me to meet my eyes. "I will be better. Promise."

Promise. Kind of a big word. There's a lot of meaning in that word. Although I did believe it more when I knew he was sober. Alcohol is what gets us into these messes.

I gave him a weak smile. "I don't know if I can believe you, Jake. I don't know if you'll ever change. That's kind of scary, ya know? You...you hurt me. How am I supposed to trust you ever again?"

His face was sad, regret in his eyes. I think I've painted him in a really bad light. He's truly not evil; he doesn't want to hurt me, he really doesn't. He wants me to love him, he wants us to work. But he just can't control his own emotions sometimes, and his anger and jealously get the best of him. I don't think he's a bad guy, though. He just might not be my guy.