heartbreak girl | s.m.

65 | the new normal

chapter playlist ⏯
• holding on - nightly
• arms of a stranger - niall horan
• favorite ex - maisie peters

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one week later
gemma <<<

"One more week, Jess. One," I said excitedly. "Then we're free. Can you even believe it?"

Jesse shook his head. Then, he interlaced his fingers with mine. "I literally can't. I can't believe we're going to be done with this so soon."

The weather was nearly perfect, so Jesse and I decided to take one of our classic city walks. However, we should really be studying for finals, which are starting very soon. We have one week of school left, which sounds so crazy to even say. Then we have a little less than a month until graduation. It's crazy that it's all coming to an end so soon. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"I wonder what life is going to be like for us," he said. "I mean, I suppose I'll find a job and you'll keep working and writing. I don't think much will change, really."

I nodded. "Yeah. I don't think so, either. We might not have as much free time, though."

"We'll be fine," he said, swinging our arms a bit. He's right; we'll be fine. We've always been fine.

I sent my letter to Shawn roughly two weeks ago. I don't know if he's gotten it yet, or if he's read it, or if it even ever made it there. Maybe I could ask Edith to ask him about it. Just to make sure it got there. But then I'd have to explain everything to her, and that's probably too much trouble for what it's worth.

I wonder if the letter will upset him. I wonder if he really wanted to see me again. I think that's just wishful thinking, though. I think I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself. It was one night and emotions were running very high. I can't act like one night means everything is different now. I'm sure he doesn't see it that way.

"Gemma."

Back to earth.

"Sorry," I said. "I zoned out."

"I know," he replied, sounding like he was used to it. "I asked if you were cool with heading back now. Since we both need to study."

I groaned. "I'm not studying."

"Fine. But I am," he replied. "I can't afford to not study."

"You know, your studiousness is pretty hot," I told him. He smiled.

"Your lack thereof is pretty hot, too. You're a real rebel," he replied, making me laugh.

And so he walked me back to my apartment and I didn't put up a fight when he said he couldn't stay—mostly because I knew he wouldn't say yes anyway, but also because I'm just in the mood to be alone. I'm definitely not going to study; that's for sure.

When he was gone, I went straight to my bed so I could lay and do nothing for an hour straight.

My plans were thwarted, however, by a brigade of stupid thoughts from my stupid brain.

I wonder what it all meant to him. You know? What did the kiss mean to him? Was it just a pleasure thing? Or did he feel something between us so strong that he felt like he needed to kiss me? How far would he have gone if I didn't stop him? If I would have said I wanted him to sleep with me, would he have done it? And would he have done it because he just wants to fuck me or because he's still into me? Or still...more than into me. If you know what I mean.

I just don't know how he feels about me. And I guess I'll never know, because my letter really shut down any hope for communication. Which is exactly what I want, but I'd still like some clarity on the situation. Just for my own peace of mind. However, I think I'm doing the right thing by ending things like I am. I can't hurt Jesse any longer. It hurts me.