Haven

Chapter Thirty Two

Jaida

Jadey,
I'm sorry for everything, especially this. I know I've been a terrible mom, and a terrible person but I never meant to put you and your sister through this life. I tried to get sober one last time, so I could see you again and make sure you were okay. Seeing you that day was one of the happiest days of my life, knowing you're happy and in good hands is the best feeling of hope I've ever been given.
But you don't need me. And you probably never did. And you certainly didn't deserve to have been given me as a mother.
Being clean this time made me realize I'll never escape the demons, every turn and decision I ever make leads me back to drugs. Back to where it all began. I don't want you to be lead back to me, I need you to be better. That's why I did this. So you and your sister can close this chapter and forget about me properly.
I just need you know how much I love you, and how much I've always regretted what I put you through. I'm so sorry,
Mom x

I had read it 10 times, sat in that dirty, damp apartment. She had stuck a photo of me and her the day I was born to the letter. And I couldn't take my eyes off it, not even as I heard my sister sob reading her letter.

The photo was like looking at Jasmine, she looked healthy and happy, holding me with pride. A big smile on her face. According to the back of the photo, mom was 24 the year I was born. Just like Jazz is now, expecting her first child though.

I felt numb, as I looked around the apartment. It wasn't as dirty as I remembered, or maybe she had just kept it cleaner lately. Sure the furniture was worn, and it was bitterly cold, so cold I could feel it setting in deep in my bones.

The shitty single bed was gone, and she had gotten herself an actual double duvet for her bed.
As I walked through the set of all my childhood nightmares, I had to ask myself why I was doing it.

The only viable answer I could come with was that I knew for certain it was my fault. I knew that day in the office that she wasn't able for me, and I was right. I railroaded her sobriety. Now she was dead. And while her letter was supposed to comfort me, it fucking didn't.

And being in this place just reminded who I was. And where I came from. I had worked so hard to put this behind me, and taught myself to feel like I deserved a good life. But being here was knocking all that work out of me.

Just as I started to feel really panicked and distressed, a knock on the door startled us both. We both tense up, looking to each other in confusion.

"Who the fuck is that?" Jazz asks and I shrug, glad we'd used the chain on the door. I move for the door, to look through the peephole. "Don't answer it!" Jazz hisses, and I hold my hand up to her. When I look through the peephole, it's Alex and Madison outside, poor Maddie looking deeply uncomfortable to be in such a horrible building.

I open the door for them, humiliated for them to see this place. It felt too personal, but I needed Alex more than ever in that moment.

I hear Jasmine sigh in relief, she was more nervous than I was of who was outside.
Madison pulls me into a hug before I can process what's happening, and as I put my arms around her, I notice Alex fixated on the paper in my hand.

When she lets go, moving to my sister who desperately needs whatever hugs she can get, I look to Alex. He was scoping out the place, probably hoping this wasn't the apartment I had described to him that day after my nightmare.

He clears his throat, speaking lowly. "You lived here?" He asks, and I nod, dropping my head in embarrassment. He does notice, closing the distance between us and tipping my chin up so I'm looking him in the eye. "It's okay, we're gonna get out of here as soon as you're ready." He promise and I nod.