Trepidation

Kabanata 17

Birthday

I don't know what's the score between Dave and Arzel. When Dave came back that day, he's with Arzel, as if nothing happened.

Napansin nila ang sugat ni Arzel sa gilid ng labi niya at sinabing napaaway kaya sinundan ni Dave at tinulungan.

I just can't believe it.

Pero kahit ganon, I still wish that they would be okay. I love the friendship they have.

Halos nasa kanila lang ang atensyon ko noong hapon na yon. Pinagmamasdan ko silang dalawa. Arzel never looked at me, as in never. Kung tinignan man niya ako ay siguro hindi ko nakita.

After that celebration day, days and months passed so fast. We got busy with school but still, I really tried not to skip even once on visiting mommy and daddy. Sa mga pagkakataon na iyon ay inaantay kong pumunta si Arzel but he never did. I expected him to come kahit walang usupan tulad ng nangyari noong huli niyang punta. It's not his fault, tho. Wala naman kaming usapan pero umaasa lang naman ako na makikita ko siya doon dahil bihira ko na siyang makita.

Ang basketball team ay bihirang magpunta sa bahay. I heard with Jesther that the grade 12s are busy with their research. Siguro dahil graduating na sila kaya madaming gawain at madaming dapat asikasuhin.

Sa mga nag daan na araw, napapansin kong nagiging okay si Dave at Arzel. I can't say that it's totally okay but there's a little improvement.

Madalas kong iniisip si Arzel at pakiramdam ko ay araw araw akong nadidismaya kapag hindi ko siya nakikita. I can't ask anyone about him. Kahit kay Dave, Kyla at lalo na kay Jesther, hindi ako makapag tanong.

I'm scared. I'm scared that they would notice something. I'm scared to admit what I feel for him.

Hindi ako sigurado kung takot ba ako o nahihiya.

Pakiramdam ko kasi ang tulad ni Arzel ay hindi basta basta. He is a man with principles. I feel like he has a high standard when it comes to whom he would like. Pakiramdam ko ay kapag nagustuhan ka niya ay parang tumama ka na sa lotto.

I also barely see Arzel and Sophie together.

I don't know if I should be happy or what because I just feel that... Arzel's treatment towards me suddenly changed. Pag nagpupunta ako sa kanila para gumawa ng project kasama si Jesther ay hindi siya nagpapakita. Hindi din siya nag-o-offer na ihatid ako.

I feel like... he's putting a distance between us. Something that I can't understand why.

Kung hindi man ako nagkakamali, dati, he's the one who's making a way para makasama ako, para magkasama kami. That's why I don't know what's his problem now.

Bakit siya umiiwas?

Ito yung ayaw ko. I can understand now why I am avoiding him before. Because being attached with him is such a pain. Once you get close to him... hahanap hanapin mo.

I tried to hold myself in giving stupid meanings with his efforts and words but those stupid meanings just came involuntarily.

Kahit ayaw kong isipin, pilit pading pumapasok sa isip ko.

I tried to get him off of my mind. Tried to focuse myself on things that's more important that should be more prioritized and worth prioritizing.