Scent of Eclipse

Chapter 27: Explanations

"Hija... Sige na kumain ka muna..." Alok sa akin ni Xeres ngunit wala akong gana.

Gusto ko na lang mamatay. Pagod na akong mabuhay. Pagod na akong mapaglaruan. I'm tired of living with these lies. I want to die and rest. I want to rest next to her... There at the road of afterlife. I don't want to live anymore. Para saan pa na mabubuhay ako kung puro sakit ang mararanasan ko sa mundo?

I want my daughter back... That's it. I want myself to come back. I want those days to come back. Umiling ako at tumagilid ng higa.

I still remember how I drove him away last night. I wonder where he is now? Nakalimutan na niya ba ako? Umiyak ba siya? Is he happy now? Hindi niya na ako kailangan. Hindi ko na rin siya kailangan.

Parte ng mga nasaksihan ko ang isang bagay na makakapagpahiwalay sa amin sa hinaharap kaya uunahan ko na.

I've seen a thing that will make him push me away. Lalo lang akong nadagdagan ng takot sa mga nakita ko. Hindi pa pala sapat ang nakaraan na tinatago ko tungkol sa sarili ko. Mayroon pang mga nakaraan na mas palalalain pa ang sitwasyon ko.

May parte ng nakaraan ko na tuluyang magpapalayo sa taong gusto ko ngayong makatabi. I want him here. I want to tell him everything and cry all day with him. I want to do things that will make me smile even just for a second... He's the only one who can do that.

Now that he's gone, I don't know how can I go through this. It's so cold without him...

I closed my eyes to forget for a while. I was left all alone again... Just how it started. Zion will never come back.

"Ruby... Kahit isang subo lang..." Alok niya sa akin pero umiling ako.

"Gagalawin ko rin po 'yan mamaya," my voice cracked.

"Kumain ka, anak, ha?"

"O-Opo... Kakain po 'ko. Gusto ko lang munang mapag-isa."

He nodded but he stopped when someone entered the door. Oh please! Get out of my life!

"Ruby," tawag ni Papa.

Tibalukbong ko ang kumot at sa ilalim umiyak. Until when will I cry? Ako na lang ba lagi ang iiyak? Hindi ko matanggap na si Papa mismo ang sumira ng buhay ko. I can't accept that it needs to be them... But I can't get mad. I can't hurt them too just like what they did.

I don't regret having them as my family... Even if they did nothing but to put me in pain. What I regret the most is the way I have given all the happiness to them that I should've given to myself first.

"Ruby..." I felt Mama touched my shoulder but I pushed her away.

Kahit sino sa kanila, wala akong pamilya. They forgot about me when I left. They did not do it to protect me.They did it to protect their image. Mas mahalaga ang mga posisyon nila kaysa sa akin na anak nila. They did it all to save Rashea first...

Araw-araw akong nasa labas nila, kumakatok. Pero hindi nila kahit isang beses na binuksan ang pintuan. The family that I knew is my enemy since the day I made only one mistake.

Rashea was so fine... She was so fine but what about me? I suffered more than her but they chose to protect her first.

Why? Because they know that I can be strong... They know that I can do it. They know that I am independent enough. But one thing is... They didn't know I get hurt too. They didn't know it was painful too. I may look so reckless but I need their help too. I'm just a kid. I was just a kid who wanted a mother and a father beside me.

They left me outside the door that I thought was my home. I was freezing to death, hoping that they will get out and hug me tight like other families do. I never felt that way.