Jeih's Poems

A Melancholic Shade of Joy

He always dress himself well
always meticulously neat but in a nutshell.
Every smiles was as blurry 
like a worn out eyeglasses filled with raindrops after being abandoned from an empty and shedless storey.

And so in his story...
he wrote these unseen yet bizarre places in his diary.

On a rainy afternoon of blossoms of withered roses and autumn leaves.
T'was a month unveiled
the pain of different faces that were always etched to be concealed.
I know life's difficult.
But why can't it be stable?
Every day and night is like a rollercoaster,
to feel like I'm going up in a mere moment and
then I'll go down again circling around;
The broken pieces I am now.
I always wore my blue jeans, green polo-shirt apparel with my cherished silver watch.
From the cheery happy-go-lucky teenager to an awfully inauthentic yet successful actor of his other self-image.
The genuine and superior steel who stood by me.
I insistly overthrowed and left to rust out there in the reality of this brutal and sublime world.
but the tragedy shattered my own self.
Though perhaps it is a sound decision.
After all I don't want to burden someone the dark corruption of what I'm going through
No I won't ever want that
But as sad as it is
I can't just be okay anymore
Maybe I'm strong
but the days would come that I am not just holding on anymore
So here I am
Stuck between what ifs and what could have been

Nothing can be more foolish than not wanting and knowing the self's
goals, commitments and aspirations.
This is based from the Philosopher, Anaxagoras.

I was ignorant for making decisions that I would regret later.
But right now I don't even know myself
I don't even want to want anymore
I don't want people to like me too much
I just can't hurt them
not anymore
I met some of the most entertaining people
but it turns out,
that they're just more broken than I am.
And it pains me to know that,
when you don't believe in yourself anymore
the support will be clouded.

Making me think like...
that it's not about having anyone struggling with you anymore;
because these days are just getting too lifeless,
and vivid.
I wish to get out of this!
But you know what?!
It won't kill me to smile again and again
to find a beautiful lie to cover up the brokenness of this world.
Perhaps I wasn't sure at everything
And I thought that I was braver than before
Adoring all the effort, patience and time of that youth of mine.
It is both heartbreaking and mesmerizing because now it's only a beautiful memory.
Sequenced as an enticing journey someday as a story.

From what I know, those close to me I always offer
That cheery person of mine who always had it all in control.
I'm now an aged wine.
even with its imperfection
It knows how to complement even the smallest details of life and its presents.
Bitter but unlike the new and sour one,
I give it my all in outmost modest and truest self.
Not the naive but courageous boy who'll venture even his own fragility.
Just to know that the person he once loved would be okay.
Although now I am just done
getting hurt to the point that I feel like I'm the only one fighting
That's why I got hurt so bad
I won't even care about insults against me
Because this pain I'm going through
I deserved it
I took the risk
I gave up and knew its consequences
And I ain't gonna blame the person who hurt me
I ain't gonna complain
I'll abide by it no matter how it changes me.
I don't trust like I did before
I don't love like I did before
I don't hope like I did before
why?
because its painful
I needed to protect myself
from getting myself broken again
I just want friends literally
I don't want a lover anymore
because being in a beautiful lie
doesn't mean that you're exempted from getting hurt.

And that's a person I once was self.