not throwing away my shot

Chapter 14 - Forgiveness, Can You Imagine?

POV ALEXANDER
Days pass and John still won't talk to me. He spends most of his time in the library and when he eventually comes back to the dormitory he'll avoid my penetrating gaze and sit on his bed in silence. Nothing I seem to say works, it just washes over him. Lafayette and Hercules tell me he'll come round and that he's just upset, but I honestly don't believe them.

I can't stand the deafening silence so I decide to head to the café and finish my new essay on the cabinet battle between Lin Manuel Miranda and Daveed Diggs. I sigh as I sit down, putting my head in my hands. Why do I always have to do something? Why can't I leave it alone?
"Why the long face?" Jefferson's southern drawl asks. I look up and notice he actually, for once looks sincere.
"It's nothing Thomas" I mumble, too emotionally drained to think of a comeback.
"I know you think I'm a prick-"
"You are a prick" I mutter through my fingers and it actually makes him laugh
"I walked into that one" I can hear the chair scrape next to me "but you can talk to me"
I weigh the pros and cons of telling him and realise I have nothing to lose by speaking.
"John's really upset at me. And I deserve it, I'm really scared he'll break up with me"
"What did you do to upset him?"
"I can't say, but it's bad"
"Were you being your usual hotheaded-know-it-all self?" He laughs, making me chuckle slightly.
"Yeah I sure was"
"Did you assume you were the smartest in the room?"
"Yes I did" I laugh
"He'll come round hamilton, he's not stupid"
"Thanks Jefferson" I smile up at him "you're still the most condescending, irritating, pain in the ass I've ever met, but you're wiser than you look"
"And you're still a short tempered, arrogant little bitch" he grins back.
"See you in law class, ugly twat"
"Yeah see you, prick"

Maybe I underestimated Jefferson, maybe he could be a friend after all. A shiver runs up my spine, no friends is too strong of a word. Maybe we could manage to be... civil. I pull out my notepad and decide to write out all the things I want to say. I put my pencil to my temple and connect it to my brain, trying to find the words.

My dearest, Laurens

Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that 'till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and as we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into me.

I am the most sorry I have ever been and will ever be. It's more than I can express, my heart is broken without you. I took your trust and disregarded it, for which I can't apologise enough.

Yours for an eternity,
A. Ham

finally satisfied, I rest the pencil on the table. If I give him this, I know I've tried. I won't give up on him, I care about him far too much.

"John?" I mumble, standing in the doorway of the dorm, glad to find him alone.
"Hm?" He answers not looking up from the book he's reading.
"John please can I talk to you?" I stutter, my natural confidence evaporating like the steam from the tea he is sipping.
"Of course" he sighs putting his book down, his kindness getting the better of him.
"Look at where we are, look at where we started. I know I don't deserve you John, but here me out, that would be enough. If I could turn back time, if I could trade your common sense with mine, you'd be standing by my side and you would smile and that would be enough." I feel a tear trickle down my cheek "All I want to say is in this letter" I hand it up to him on the top bunk, our fingers touching for barely a millisecond, but like dropping a pebble in a pond it sends ripples of excitement throughout my body.

I watch nervously as he reads it, his face showing no emotion, giving nothing away until he folds it up and walks down the ladder.
"I've stayed up every night thinking about what I want to say to you" he stares at me, completely dead pan expression.
"Okay" is all I can muster,
"So when I say this, I really mean it" he takes my hand in his "I know you were doing what you thought was right, even though it maybe wasn't the best idea you've ever had. But you're my boyfriend, and I forgive you. With all my heart"

Suddenly I break down in tears, like the heavy weights I've been carrying have been lifted. I sob uncontrollably and quite frankly very unattractively. He pulls me into a strong embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
"It doesn't mean I'm still not extremely pissed at you" he laughs stroking my hair
"I know, I know" I sniff nuzzling myself into his hoodie
"Your letter is the most beautiful thing I've ever read"
"I'm glad you like it" I giggle.

I feel like the luckiest boy in the universe. I truly don't deserve him.