hard to love

chapter 101

Taylors pov

"Damn it Happy!" I yelled as he walked into the chapel.

"Stop this shit. Listen to what he has to say. Don't like it then you can leave." He grumbled

"I dont care Happy ley me go. Im done with all of them."

"You care or you wouldn't be this mad. Don't lie little girl. Chill, think, listen." He let go of me and left. I never got used to how quiet he could be, you never heard his foot steps or him breathing.

I didnt turn to look towards the door even though I knew my dad was standing there. After a few minutes he spoke.

"Baby" I could tell he was crying.

I ignored him for a minute. "Why."

"We done it to protect you."

I whipped around to look at him, my knees about gave out with how broken he looked. Maybe I was too harsh on him, said some things I didn't mean.

"There's some things you don't know Taylor. It was you or her, I, we picked you."

"What do you mean?"

"Your mom is a part of the IRA. We never wanted you to know. Thats how I met her, it was love at first sight. There isn't a woman alive that could rival your mother in my eyes. She left Ireland to be with me. We kept you a secret. The IRA does not care about family, their kids are raised as the next generation to fight, keep the movement going strong. We didnt want that for you Taylor. Once they found out about you they wanted you. They would have tried to use you as a peace treaty with the SONS, and if we went against them they wouldn't care to kill you. They would have trained you to fight, to kill, to die for the cause, no real life. You're mom was one of their biggest assets, they accepted her back in your place."

Holy fuck. Is anything I know the truth?

"Why lie? You should have told me she was leaving. Why let me think she was dead! You know how many nights I cried for hours wishing she was here! How many nights I slept in a fucking cemetary talking to a empty fucking grave. How many times I wished I was dead with her atleast then I wouldn't be around to fuck up your life! Fucking shit!"

"W-what no baby. No no no noo baby you have never fucked up my life!" He cried out rushing to me and grabbing my face "my life is so much better because of you. My heart is whole and happy. I continue to smile and laugh because of you my precious spawn. I'm sorry we lied. It was the best thing for you. If you knew this whole time you would want to talk to her and visit. We couldn't have that. They accepted her back but would love to have you with them. Her leaving, your pain would all be for nothing."

"Have you seen her?"

"I have. I've went to Ireland a couple times over the years."

"Thats why Gemma is always recording? So many fucking pictures. How often do you update her about me? She know about the twins?"

"Yes. We send her copies of everything. We talk once a week, she does know but doesn't know what they look like. I didnt want anyone over there knowing. But they already do cause of that fucker in New york."

"If he's such a skilled marksman for them why didn't he kill me? Or Juice when he hit him?"

"He was probably sent to spy. If he got you to marry him then the IRA could get you over there. I'm so sorry baby."

"So she knows everything about me but here I was wondering what she would be like, dreaming of just talking to her, coming up with my own advice I thought she would give me! When really she just fucking left." I chuckled trying not to break down and cry "why can't I just be happy? Why is there always something?!" I yelled slamming my fist on the table "what's next you going to tell me you're not my dad? Jesus. I just want one damn year without bullshit, some fucked up shit happening. I just want to fucking be happy, to know peace, enjoy life."

He stood there quiet for a minute looking at the floor.

"Fucking correct me please tell me I'm wrong." I basically begged him.

"Shit baby of course you're my kid its pretty fucking obvious.... you're not happy?"

"Fuck. I am happy I just hate all of this. The shit with Opie when we were kids, the entire Hobart thing and everything he caused, I loved new york but hated leaving you, the problems I've caused for everyone here, maybe everyone would have been better off if you let me go instead of her."

"HELL NO! Baby you mean everything to me. You and those babies are my lifeline. I may not have been the best father, or even a good one hell I'm the reason you're nlot happy, why you have gone through all that you have. I admit we fucked up we shouldn't have lied to you. Im sorry taylor."

"So what was all those times we went to the hospital? I remember going to visit her, the fucking funeral. Why fake it all? Why put me through all that then and now!"

"She was attacked because of the club, it was handled. Then she had a hysterectomy said since she had to go back to Belfast she didn't want anymore kids unless they were mine and didn't want any except you, neither could happen. I'm sorry for all of that. Your mom didn't want you having her for leaving you behind figured it would be easier for you this way. Honestly we never wanted you to find out especially like this baby."

"Well I just spent me whole life fucked up from losing her, and wishing she was still alive. When really she's still alive, and doesn't give a fuck either way. Of course I fucking hate her not because she left but they way yall done it all. I may not have understood it all when I was five but you could explain later why she had to go."

I stood there looking at him for a few minutes, I noticed how stressed he looked. Shit, I was adding to that. My daddy isn't so young any more and I'm sure everything that's happened to me basically whole life hasn't helped him. I could see some gray hairs coming in but I know he would freak if I told him. I know if im hurting he is too. This is the shit that happens in soap operas or fucking movies. Why is there always something going on in my life.

"Look I'm fucking sorry for what I said out there. You're not dead to me I was just so mad and hurt. Im so thankful for you Dad and everything you have done for me. I know it's hard being a single parent and I'm sorry I havent always made that easy. I dont hate you, I could never hate you. I am so grateful everytime you come home whole from any run or a simple meeting. You have been the best dad I could ever ask for and now the best papaw."

I could tell he was trying not to cry while I was steadily crying. He pulled me to him and gave me a bear hug, it honestly has been a while since he done that.

"I love you so much Taylor." He whispered then kissed my head and hugged me closer somehow.

"I love you too Daddy."

"Im sorry for everything. I hope you'll be happy and not have anymore bullshit. You deserve the world baby and I would give it to you if I could."

"I am happy I'm just so tired. I just want no more surprises, or bullshit. I dont need the world I just need you and my kids and I'm good. Do you want to go for a ride? maybe stop by my house and I can get my bike we can ride for a while."

"Of course baby. Let's go right now. I'm always ready to ride especially if it means quality time with my girl."