hard to love

chapter 38

jax POV

"please tay. go back inside." i said as i heard her climb up.
"not happening teller. ill just sit here with you. we can listen to music if you want. get high. talk or not talk. drink. whatever. im gonna sit right here until i know youre okay. got it?" she said sitting down next to me.

she was always so stubborn. we both were. opie might be my best friend but so is tay. but the connection me and tay have is different not romantic or anything. but its like shes my soulmate were connected at our cores. she knew everything about me probably more than i knew about myself. we could spend the entire day together and not need to talk, we were both comfortable with the silence. we sat there for about ten minutes before i couldnt stay quiet any longer. i needed to figure this shit out.

"tara wants to go off to college when she graduates." i said looking at taylor.
"holy shit. im sorry jax. maybe yall will make it." she said passing me a cigarette.
"nah. she asked me to go with her... i mean im going to be in the club. i cant go with her. she doesnt like or accept the club."
"but what do you want jackson? dont worry about her, me, your mom, the club what do YOU WANT?" she asked me. honestly i wasnt completely sure.
"it doesnt matter what i want tay. i want this club and i want tara. i dont want to leave but that means im going to lose her. why cant she just stay here and go to college like you are? why am i not enough for her?" i asked it felt good to speak my thoughts because in my head everything was just running together.
"im sorry jax. there is your answer. youre good enough shit too much sometimes. just maybe yall arent meant to be? theres someone who accepts all of you, the club, your crazy, me, everything and youll get there one day." she told me. she was right.
"i just wish i already had that. hell what you and ope have i want that."
"well me and ope have been through bullshit cause hes so stubborn. okay we both are. but were still figuring it all out. plus SAMCRO is a part of me of  course im going to accept it. the only other girl who knows SAMCRO like i do is lyla. not saying thats who you should go for even if i do think yall are cute together." she told me. i just looked at her.
"dont look at me like that. ive ssen yalls lingering looks. yall are both just to stubborn to admit it all just like me and ope. but you better fuckin decide before you even attempt to make a move cause ill kill you if you hurt her." she told me. i was shocked.

was she right? did i linger when i looked at lyla? i mean ive always liked her thought she was beautiful but i didnt think she felt the same about me.
"wow taylor. youre right. i mean yeah i like ly but i just figured we were just friends i didnt want to push that line. i didnt think she thought of me that way."
"shhh she does. hell most woman who walk through here or see you look at you some way. youre just to stubborn and twisted up in tara to see it. like i said make up your mind first cause i wont have her hurt or looking stupid cause you went back with tara knowles." she said taras name with a little spite.
"what you got against tara?" i asked
"wow. dont attack me. youre the one who said she plans on leaving you. plus since she came along ive been pushed back yeah our realtionship is the complete opposite but youve still pushed me to the side and forgot about me until it was convienent for you jax." have i really done that? damn im such a fuck up.
"fuck im so sorry tay. i never meant to or to hurt you." i told her leaning into her.
"its all good jax. it happens. but ive told you so if you keep it up obviously you aint to sorry. anyway were here about you, if she leaves shes fucked up and will regret it one day. you deserve someone who gets and accepts you no matter who it is." she told me hugging me.
"youre right. i might as well just break up with her since shes gonna end up leaving anyway right?" "thats not up to me. thats your decision jax. but either way im here, always." she said kissing my cheek.

we sat there for a while in silence again.

"opie wants me to get his crow." she whispered i jerked my head to look at her. i couldn't read her expression.
"damn. thats good right? youre stuck with him after that." i stuck my tongue out at her making her laugh.
"yeah its great. were gonna wait till im eighteen we figured dad wouldnt go for it until then anyways."
"yeah probably not. yall gonna have hap do it?" i asked her.

everyone has always come to happy for their crows since he patched in. hell he does all of SAMCROS tattoos.

"yeah he agreed to earlier.  OH we should get matching tattoos." she said getting excited.

"jesus. you think your old man would be okay with you getting a matching tattoo with another guy?" i asked teasing her.
"oh shut it. im forreal jax. youre my brother we should have done it along time ago."

"okay fine. what are we gonna get?" i asked her.
"lets go start working on ideas. ill draw then up." she said standing up and holding her hand out for me to follow. .