My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 59 - The Courage To......

The last five hours felt like they went in slow motion. I never thought it possible, but I am crying harder now than I did at the first viewing. When I first viewed this interview, my primary concern was Julian, and as such I felt I had missed what John was saying about me and our marriage.

Andy has just turned the television off, and he is looking quite concerned about my reactions. Then, out of the blue, he asks me the one question I have asked myself so many times over the years - do I still love John now as much as I did all those years ago?

As I calm myself down, I look at Andy - and without giving me a chance to respond, he says what I have always known in my heart - I love John with everything in me, I always have, and I always will......

I ask Andy how he even knows that, and he smiles telling me I am the reason John went through doing this interview in the first place. I look at Andy wide eyed, and Andy now sits down and says the one thing I was not ever expecting to hear again.....
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Now the interview has just concluded, and I get up to turn the television off. I notice Cynthia crying to the point of almost heaving. Seeing the emotion ripple out of Cynthia, do I know I can't keep secret just what this meant to John to do this interview - she needs to know what this means, at least from John's point of view.

Before I even realise, I ask Cynthia does she still love John as much now as back then? Her facial expression tells me the answer without her even saying anything, and I say without thinking that I believe she is in love with John, and that she always has loved him and always will love him.

Judging by the look on her face, I know I am right. Cynthia then surprises me and asks how I even know this in the first place, and I decide to tell her the truth - to a point....I tell Cynthia when John was talking about their relationship both on and off camera, I could see the happiness in his face - and that I believe that she still means so much to John, even after he has treated her so badly.....

I feel for Cynthia, seeing her reactions and emotional state do I know that she and John need to talk to each other, but in truth, I don't believe John has the courage right now to face her - if he ever will have the courage to......
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It has been a quiet and serene morning. Knowing what is at stake, I am now on my way to meet the guys for lunch at Paul's - we have some urgent and important matters to discuss.

The festivities in Hamburg begin on Monday, and as such I need to ascertain if any of the others are interested in heading down there. While our relationships are still a work in progress, even I understand if Paul, George and Ringo don't wish to be there - our lives have changed a lot since then, and in truth, if the exhibition wasn't included and Cyn isn't attending I would most unlikely want to go there myself.....

After having a long discussion, all four of us will be heading to Hamburg. We will be leaving on Sunday, as there will be so much happening during the two weeks, and the exhibition commences Monday. To my surprise, all of us agree to attend, and with little hesitation.

The primary concern is where we will stay, and Paul rightfully suggested we book out somewhere and pay a premium to maintain our own safety and have a security escort. Paul has acquaintances in that part of the world, and he thinks that should not be a problem.

While this sounds like a lot, it needs to be this way as we haven't been seen as a group for so long, it would be wise and prudent to think of all extremes.

With that out of the way, I can now focus on seeing Cyn. I start to feel excited, knowing this will be my one and only chance to talk with her away from her family - at least I hope so anyway.....
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I have just left the BBC, and right now my emotions are all over the place. After watching the full five hours of footage and speaking with Andy, I feel numb. For such a long time I have believed John didn't love me anymore, and that I wasn't what he wanted or needed in a partner.

To hear Andy say what he thought John feels broke my heart. While I should be happy I was wrong in my thoughts, I came to understand a long time ago John wanted so much more than I could ever give him - I decided to be a Mother to our son, and I had to let go of the man I love.

Now, how do I begin to process all of this, it is becoming all too much. All I have ever wanted is to be with someone who can give me love and stability, the two things John can never give me.....

I have just arrived home, and Julian has left me a note. He is spending some time with John, and I am encouraged by their relationship - it is getting better, and while it unlikely John and I will ever be amicable again, I am content in the knowledge John is making such an effort with Julian......
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I am on my way to Dad's for dinner. After arriving home from work, I called Dad - and to my surprise he asked me to come over for dinner. I said yes, as things have been going so well between us and I am now ready to give him this opportunity to step up and be my Dad......

I leave a note for Mum, and I promise her I will be home at a reasonable time. I am worried about Mum, as so much has been going on in her life lately, and now with the trip to Hamburg, life is about to get that much harder.....