My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 9 - Sadness And Regret

We have been filming for a good hour now, and John is being very candid with his thoughts and feelings. Talking about his past, and the family he has left behind, is showing there is so many more layers to this man.

As John continues to talk, I get a strong sense of sadness and regret. One could only imagine what life would have been like for him during The Beatles years, and hearing first hand his own accounts of it and its impact on his life and his family shows how much pressure was on not just him, but the other members of the band as well.

John is starting to tear up, and I offer for him to have a newspaper article instead. He agrees, and I ask my cameraman to take down the camera. I pull my tape recorder out of my bag, and place it on the table.

John looks more comfortable, so I start off by showing him photos of Astrid's exhibition, and in particular, the paintings version of the photos. John starts to tear up, and he acknowledges this is Cynthia's work.

I decide to be honest with John, and tell him of my conversation with Astrid, and of how Cynthia is allowing her to use her paintings for the exhibition. When I start to tell him about his ex wife and son being back in England, he becomes very emotional - especially when I mention Julian has been accepted into the London Academy Of Art.

John appears sad he didn't know any of this, and when I mention his former Mother in law being so sick, he closes his eyes as if in pain. When I tell John both Cynthia and Julian are looking after her, and that Julian has had to defer for a year, he looks like he needs a break.

As John heads out to the balcony for a smoke, I follow him. He seems calmer now, and I tell him of my astonishment to the depth of his relationship with Cynthia. I know it is not my business, but I ask him if he wants another chance with Cynthia.

Instead of trying deny his feelings for his ex wife, he openly admits after all this time, he has come to the realisation he is still very much in love with her, and that seeing those paintings she did brought it all back.

Before I can query John on what he just said, he butts out his ciggie, looks at me straight in the eye and tells me his marriage to Yoko is not a marriage - more like a relationship of convenience.

I believe for the first time, John is telling someone what he would have previously kept to himself, especially to a member of the media like me. I have made some big scoops in my time, however, I am going to respect John confiding that to me and as I don't have it on tape, it won't be printed.

To my surprise, when I tell him that, John shakes my hand in gratitude and I realise just how big a story this is. We keep talking, and, he needs to light up another smoke. I let John talk, as he clearly needs to get so much off his chest.

In all my years as a journalist, I have seen and heard it all - or so I thought, until now. John and Yoko have always paraded their marriage to the public, and to hear from John their relationship is the total opposite comes as a shock.

I ask him why is it so important for the world to think they are such a happy couple, and he candidly tells me Yoko was keen to keep up appearances, for the sake of his new album. John, however, thought it had more to do with her fear he will go back to England, and take all his money and popularity with him.

That makes sense, and looking at John now he has got that off his chest, he looks relieved. I could only imagine how much of a burden this would be to carry, and I ask him if he is happy to resume our interview inside, to which he smiles and butts out his second ciggie.....

We have headed back inside, and as we sit down and get comfortable, John tells me to turn the tape back on. He takes a deep breath, and then he starts talking.....