My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 66 - High And Mighty

After being completely mobbed and cheered for the last two hours, we are all able to take a breath. Security have just taken us back to the Farmhouse, and unsurprisingly George and Ringo head outside and start the outdoor fire.

Paul looks to me, and all I want is to go upstairs and sleep. Since he is looking at me with such a serious expression, I decide to join the others outside.

Paul follows me, with four bottles of beer. We all sit around the fire drinking our beer, when George speaks up. He isn't happy with the way I have been trying to talk with Cyn, and I look to them all and apologise - I know this is not the best time, but truthfully, it will never be a good time.

Ringo actually looks angry for once, and tells me I need to let Cyn decide when she is ready. This is not about me anymore, and while I agree with everything the guys are saying, I know that time is something I don't have.

Paul is being the quietest, barely saying a word. I can see he is also angry with me, but he surprises us all by asking me what the heck was I expecting - I didn't care about anyone or anything when I became involved with Yoko. So why now, after our relationship fell apart, due to my own behaviours, should I expect Cyn to fall over at my feet.

I can't help it, I break down into tears, and for once, the guys are not showing me any sympathy. In truth, I don't deserve any, and right now, Cyn has the right to decide if she wants to talk with me or not - without me constantly pushing the issue. That is so much easier said than done, though.....

Once we get that out of the way, we are talking about our return to Hamburg, and when we are going to head back into the studio. As we are talking, security inform us we have a visitor. When we hear who it is, we tell them to let him in.....

Pete is escorted out the back, and when he sees us, he looks angry. I know he has had lingering anger towards me, for obvious reasons. Now, he greets everyone by shaking their hands. Me, before he shakes my hand he punches me square in the jaw.....

Security bolt to him, and George tells them to back off. Ringo helps me back up, and I can see the look of disappointment in his face. I know Mo is still good friends with Cyn, and she has never had any time for me - not that I can blame her....

Pete looks to me and says I am such an arrogant piece of s**t, and Cyn was so emotional seeing me. Before I can speak, Pete tells me in no uncertain terms this next two weeks is going to hard enough for Cyn, and I should respect her enough to not act so high and mighty.

I have never thought of myself that way, and thinking about it, I truly hope to the heavens Cyn doesn't think that. I am so lost for words right now, and Pete lets me have it. None of the others are saying anything in my defence, and I am wondering how long they have all felt like this.....

After speaking his piece, Pete thanks for the guys for allowing him in, and he takes his leave. Before I can even ask, Pete tells me Jules didn't tell him where we are staying, as he knew how to find us, as there are not too many places we could stay at the moment - especially a place big enough for a security detail.

On his way out, Pete looks straight at me, and tells me he thinks Cyn still loves me, and I don't deserve another chance - she deserves much, much better. As he leaves, I take in what Pete has said.....

Now, George gets up and gets some more beer from the fridge, and we remain outside and reminisce about years gone by. Until today, I have taken so much for granted, that now I need to truly accept my faults and appreciate what I have......
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We left Drum Beats around an hour ago, and are now home. Cynthia and Julian went straight to bed, and I am concerned for Cynthia. I could see she her emotions at seeing John, and being here, where it all began, wouldn't be helping....

Yet, I was surprised she wanted to dance, and yet, she seemed happy to listen to John singing. Part of me would like to think that one day soon Cynthia will be ready to deal with seeing John, but, her love for him may make this that much harder for her.

Pete was amazing tonight, and the way he stood up for Cynthia truly meant a lot to her. It will be nice to catch up with him before we leave, as it may be a long time until we meet again.

Speaking of John, I am hoping all the guys will be able to make it to the exhibition, as I would like to have some photos taken - it would add to the exhibition, not to mention boost our profile.

The problem is, how do I ask Cynthia? This is a big ask, and yet, seems like a small one at the same time.....
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I am laying here in bed, wondering how this has all happened. I am so emotionally drained, yet, I know with clarity just what needs to happen.....

John is and will always be the love of my life, and I now need to accept that regardless of what happens from here on, we will always have a pull towards each other.

Knowing what I want my life to be, I need to take steps forward. Talking with John needs to be on my terms - the thing is, I don't know if I will ever be truly ready to see him, and more to the point, if I ever will....