My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 13 - Some Closure

Today marks the sixth month of my Mum being here in hospital, and I have no idea if she will ever recover. At this point in time her illness has completely taken over, and as I sit here with her I look back on my life.

Some would say I have experienced it all - love, joy, sadness and heartbreak. While that may be true, I have also come to realise that I have missed being here in England so very much.

My darling son, Julian, received a scholarship at the London Academy of Art, and I am so proud of him. Right now he has had to defer for a year, as he is helping me out with Mum.

At only 17, Julian is much wiser than most his age. He has experienced emotions and betrayal in life no person should go through so early on in life. My ex husband, John Lennon, left us when Julian was only 5, and to this day, we have seldom heard from him.

I have been in love with John for most of my adult life, and when he left us for a new life I never anticipated that would mean leaving Julian out of his life. For many years, it has been just he and I against the world.

I have been married three times, and yet I know deep in my heart I should have only married once. John is the love of my life, and while he chose to sever his ties with our marriage I never envisaged he could abandon his own son.

For such a long time, Julian faced so much from people in general about his father, that in the end, he has bottled so much up inside. I know he is in pain, and when he received this scholarship this gave us a new opportunity to come home.

Unfortunately, just after Julian was notified of this scholarship, my Mum, Lillian fell ill and has been here in hospital for many months. I was going through my third divorce at the time, and this couldn't have come at such a worse time.

If it wasn't for the support of my family, friends and the staff here, in particular Dr. Richard McCormack, I don't know how I would be coping right now. Taking care of Mum has been my sole focus, and while I do the best I can for her, I know my life is suffering because of it.

I spend most of my days here with Mum and Julian, that I have not had the chance to catch up with a lot of my lifelong and dear friends, although one of my good friends, Astrid Kercherr, has always kept in contact with us.

I met Astrid through my ex husband, and we have been friends through so much. I was there all those years ago when she lost her fiancée, Stuart Sutcliffe. He passed away suddenly, and I did all I could to support her and be there for her.

Stuart and John were best friends, and we were all inseparable. As I think back to those days, I see how happy and in love I was. Now, I only have my memories and possessions of the past.

John was apart of the biggest band ever here in England, The Beatles, and life back then was such a whirlwind.

John and his band mates made it big, and me, well, I lost the man I love and the father of my only child. John wanted to be famous, but when he did become so, Julian and I got left behind.

For so long I have had asked myself how I could have been there more and done more, but the truth was Julian and I clearly didn't mean as much to John as we thought, and by leaving us he left us with a gaping hole in our lives we would never fill.

Even that has risen to the surface, with Astrid currently hosting exhibitions about her works as a photographer. Some of those photos I painted onto canvas, mainly those of John and his band.

Astrid wanted to use my paintings as part of her exhibition, and I agreed as long as they are returned to me the way I presented them to her, and while she has requested I be at the unveilings, I can't bring myself to be there. After all of these years, the pain of what John did still lingers inside me.....

I painted those pictures so I could capture their soul in paint, and I am so proud of my work. I love Art, and I have always had solace in my paintings, it has been the comfort I have very much needed to be able to move on with my life.

As I am thinking about it, tears fall from my eyes. I haven't cried this hard for a long time, and Julian has just walked in and hugs me. He reminds me so much of his father, but without him, my life would be unfulfilled. I love being a Mum, and even though John left us, he left the best part of him behind - in the son we created together......
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Julian looks at me in concern, "Mum, has something happened to Gran?" I slowly stop crying, enough to explain to him how I am feeling - "Gran is fine, I was just thinking about Astrid, and the exhibition, and then, your father." Having support right now would mean so much, and Julian can only do so much for me.

I need a partner's support - I was there for John through everything, and now, when I need someone the most they aren't here for me. I can't help it, the tears fall again. Julian comes and hugs me, and surprises me....

"Mum, I think you should go and see Astrid. You need to get out of here, and, I believe you need to see the exhibition. It will give you a chance at some closure."

As I look at my son, he makes a valid point. I decide to go to see Astrid, and Julian will stay with Mum. I am so proud of him, he has turned out to be such a fine young man. I just wish his father was around to see it.......