My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 15 - Rolling Stone Magazine

I left the hospital a little while ago, and after having some take away fish and chips I head on home to bed. I feel really tired, and I know it is to do with all the travel and time we spend with Gran at the hospital.

Don't get me wrong, I love Gran, and while her illness is a mystery to us all, she still means so much to our family. Mum is struggling with looking after Gran plus having to carry the emotional burden of Dad's latest interview about us.

Over the years, I know my Dad has made a lot of mean and hurtful comments about Mum and I, but this time, his words to Rolling Stone Magazine were so much more than that.

I have never thought Dad to be so cold and cruel, but then again, he chose to walk out of my life and go chasing after Kyoko so I shouldn't really be surprised.

Regardless, to see those words in print shows what he truly thinks. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him, even if Mum does. When we were told about the article curiosity got the better of us - and now, I would love nothing more than to erase what I read.

Sadly I can't, and as things stand I haven't seen or heard from Dad in so long that maybe I just need to stop hoping he would want a chance to be my father.

Life has not been the easiest for Mum and I, and now we are back in England I was really hoping for a fresh start, so much for that! As I arrive at our small rental home I head up to my room and I am out cold when my head hits the pillow. A good night sleep will do me the world of good......
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Astrid and I have just arrived at my place, and I think Julian must be in bed. It is quite late, so we head into the kitchen where I make us both a cup of tea.

We sit down and get comfortable, and Astrid and I talk about what has been happening since we last saw each other. Over the years, we have become quite close - our loves were best friends, so it stood to reason we would keep in touch.

When John first left, Astrid was one of the first to check in on Julian and I. Even though we didn't see a lot of each other after our divorce, we always wrote to each other and spoke on the phone every once in a while.

I know Astrid feels she could have done more for John and I, as she met up with John and Yoko after he left us. I have never blamed Astrid in any way, as to me John made up his mind so nobody, including me, was going to change it.

As we sit here now, with these exhibitions taking centre stage, that once again, do I feel such emotional turmoil. I know being John's wife when The Beatles made it big would always shadow me, but as the years have gone on I have wanted nothing more than to leave the past behind.

As Astrid tells me about the exhibitions and her travels around Europe, do I feel a touch of sadness. Seeing the exhibition now do I realise I have as much right as everyone else to showcase my works from that time.

Part of me always felt like an interloper, that people would view me as using that time for fame - which is anything but the truth. I am so grateful to Astrid that now people are seeing I was there too, and that my paintings mean something. They mean so much to me, and I am flattered that others feel the same way....

After talking for a few hours, Astrid and I camp out in the lounge. I get some blankets and pillows from my room and we spend the rest of the evening downstairs, so as not to wake Julian.

We continue to talk, and Astrid asks how Julian is going and how Mum is. I confide in Astrid, and it feels good getting so much off my chest. When we talk about John and that article in Rolling Stone, do I see how upset Astrid is for Julian and I.

I have never wanted any of our inner circle to take sides, but I do appreciate the love and support Julian and I have been receiving from everyone.

Tonight catches up with us both, and we fall asleep around 3am. It has been a great night, and I am so happy I took Julian's advice and saw the exhibition. I feel so much better after catching up with Astrid, and I would love nothing more than to see her more often.
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I wake up with a jolt. I thought I heard a gunshot.....I look at the clock beside my bed, and it is only one in the morning. I feel goosebumps up and down my body, and I start to panic.

Something is wrong, yet I have no idea what it is. As I look around the apartment, nothing seems amiss. I check on Sean and he is fast asleep. I look in Yoko's room and office and it appears she isn't here - no real surprise there.

I head back to bed, and as I close my eyes I think of Cyn and Jules. I hope everything is ok back in England. All going well, I will be seeing them both sooner rather than later. I have so much I want to say, to both of them. Only three weeks to go, and I am out of here!!!
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Something wakes me up. I feel a shiver go through my body, and as I sit up I realise I am laying on the couch in my lounge room.

Astrid is still sound asleep, and it must be still early morning - it is dark outside. I have this terrible feeling, but I can't put my finger on what it is. I lay back down on the couch and go back to sleep.....