My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 39 - Hold Back

I can't recall the last time I slept so well. I have so much going on at the moment, and to have things turn around for the better do I know Julian and I will be ok.

Since seeing John's interview at the BBC, Julian has been much more upbeat and is looking happier - thankfully John has done the right thing, but I am still not sure what Julian wants to do with regards to their relationship. I certainly won't be pushing anything, and I am not in a rush to talk to John myself.

I am still hurt by his comments to Rolling Stone, and while he has admitted his comments were not only inaccurate, but hurtful, I have decided to focus on the good things in my life - dwelling on my life with John sends me backwards, not forwards.

Julian has already gone out, as he said he had something to do. This has worked out well for me, as Pattie is coming over to talk to me today. She looked concerned about something last night, and I hope I can be of help......
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Oh boy.....Pete and I had a late and emotional night, and we didn't get to sleep until after 3. I left Pete's a short while ago, as I stink of alcohol and I need to have a shower.....

I have just got dressed for the day, and there is a knock at the front door. I think it will be Pete, but to my shock, it is Jules standing there. I cordially invite him in, and he sits in the lounge.

I am glad to see him, and he gets straight to the point - he has seen my interview with Andy Peebles, and he would like to know if I was being truthful with Andy with my views on him and our future relationship.

I am so happy he asked me this, and I gleefully tell him I meant every word, and I will do everything necessary to be there for him. Jules looks conflicted, then he tells me he wasn't alone, Cyn went with him......

I am lost for words. When Andy told me she wasn't interested in seeing my interview, I was heartbroken. To hear our son say she saw it too does my heart start to beat a little faster.

I am dying to know what Cyn thought, and I blurt out the question without even thinking......

Jules quickly tells me she cried throughout and doesn't know what she feels - she has kept her feelings about it to herself, but she was relieved I retracted my comments to Rolling Stone.

Once that is out of the way, we actually have a conversation about my impending divorce and what I plan to do for the future. I tell Jules exactly what I want to do and what my plans are, and he looks surprised, especially when I tell him I have no intention of leaving the UK anytime soon.

We end up talking for a good 45 minutes, and I am so happy he has made the effort to come and see me. When I ask how Cyn is, he tells me she is ok, and that she is processing my interview like he is.

I get the feeling he isn't telling me something, but I let that go as I have no right to push him about Cyn - that doesn't stop my mind wondering though......

When Jules says he has to go, I ask him to have dinner with me soon, as I would like to spend some time getting to know him better. To my delight, Jules agrees, but asks me to give him a chance to sort his feelings out.

I perfectly understand, and as he has my phone number I let him know he can call me anytime - I will always be here for him, even if he doesn't think it.....

Jules takes his leave, and as he is about to walk out the door he tells me he would like to have me in his life, and hopefully we can get to a point where our relationship is in a better place.

I am so happy, and as he leaves I know what I need to do, I want Cyn and Jules here with me, the problem is, where do I start?
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Today I have decided to see Dad. After seeing his interview with Andy Peebles, I need to look Dad in the eye and see if he truly means what he said.

I have just arrived at Dad's, and he answers not long after I knock on the door. Dad looks happy to see me, and invites me in. I proceed to the lounge, and sit down.

I decide to get right to it, I let him know I saw his interview, and I want to know if Dad was telling the truth about wanting a relationship with me.

Dad tells me he meant every word, and I can see in his face he means what he is saying. I am relieved, and hopeful. Over the years I have missed Dad, more than he will ever know.

To hear him openly admit he wants the chance to be there for me means a lot, and it gives me renewed hope all is not lost. A small part of me will hold back, as he has let me down so many times and I need to ensure I don't get left holding onto something that will never happen....

I decide to tell dad that Mum came with me to the BBC, and the look of hope on his face tells me that meant a lot to him. I don't tell him anything more, as it is not my place to do so and Mum has her own issues to bare with Dad - far more than I do.....

Dad then surprises me by asking what Mum thought of the interview. I tell him the truth - Mum cried throughout the interview, but I don't really know how she feels. Mum keeps her feelings to herself, but she was relieved he retracted the comments he made about me to Rolling Stone.

After getting the hard discussions out of the way, I ask Dad about his divorce from Yoko, and his plans for the future. Dad candidly tells me of his plans, and I am taken aback, especially when he tells me he has no intention of leaving England anytime soon.

After talking with Dad for around 45 minutes, I decide to head home. As I am getting up to go, Dad looks happier than when I arrived, and he asks how Mum is. I tell him she is ok, and that she is processing his interview like I am.

I decide against telling him about Jim, as it is not up to me, and it really isn't any of his business. Dad looks at me sceptically, but at this point Mum and I are not obligated to tell Dad anything too personal - we are not there yet......

I feel it is time I left, and Dad asks me to have dinner with him soon, as he wants a chance to get to know me better. I am happy he asks me, but I ask for some time to figure my feelings out. Dad nods his head in agreement, and he then tells me I can call him anytime.....