My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 29 - From This Point On

It has been a week since Andy Peebles contacted me for an interview, and today I am meeting him at the BBC. I have no idea what to expect, but I think Andy will not try and make this into a big deal - at least I hope not anyway.

I have asked Pete to come with me, as I have no idea what to expect. The taxi has just pulled up at the station headquarters, and I am shaking like a leaf.

Pete looks at me and promises everything will be alright, and I can only hope this shows not just the world, but my family, in particular Cyn and Jules, exactly what is going on in my head, and in my heart.....

When we arrive at Andy's office, we get through the formalities and Andy leads us to a conference room. To my surprise, everything Andy has compiled in both video and audio form has been collated and ready to go.

Andy doesn't delay the inevitable, he gets on with it, and he shows me the tape recorded parts of the interview. Hearing myself speak my truth is so damn hard, and due to the magnitude of my own words and feelings, tears escape my eyes.

I watch the interview in full, then Andy shows me the written version of the interview. I have to say, Andy has done a magnificent job, and I have no issues with what he has done. I allow Pete to read what Andy has done, and when he finishes I can see his reaction is not what I am expecting.....
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Today really has been emotional to say the least. John had asked me to accompany him to the BBC to see the completed portions of his written and taped interviews.

When Andy first approached me about John doing this interview, I expressed my concerns about how this would be perceived, especially here in England - so many people have issues with John just leaving the country as he did all those years ago, and of his subsequent treatment of Cynthia and Julian.

It was only when I realised how much John wanted to participate in this interview did I see he needed to do this, on his terms. I let Andy know how to reach John when he felt the interview would be completed, and that I would be happy to answer any questions he had.

What John doesn't know is Andy and I had spoken at great length about his past, in particular about Cynthia and Julian. I knew going in how hard this will be for John, and I expressed to Andy how this could get difficult for John.

From what I have seen and read just now, I was accurate on my assessments. Seeing how much hurt and pain was in John's voice and mannerisms while doing this interview do I see what many others failed to - John is a human being who has made some bad mistakes, and sadly, the woman who loved him when he was a nobody and their son were forced to live a life not only without him, but watch him from afar go about his life like they didn't matter or exist.

Even now, I don't think John has truly realised how much pain Cynthia and Julian have been through, and while this is a start, I strongly believe he may never get the chance to atone for what he has done to them.

He was so horrible and cruel, and even though I supported him, I could see the devastation he was causing - he was too rapt up in his psychedelic, drug induced mind to see just what his actions were causing.

I haven't seen Cynthia or Julian for a long time, and witnessing their meeting at The Avenue the other night did I see not only the pain, but the love that is clearly still there.

I knew the moment John and Cynthia locked eyes, and their inability to pull away from that showed me what I have always known - they are soulmates, but sadly their true love may never recover, and looking at John now, I am not sure how John will handle it if Cynthia and Julian choose to not have him in their lives from this point on.....
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To think it was nearly two months ago I interviewed John in New York, and now, seeing his reactions to the final product, do I know I got this right.

The public will only see what John agrees to, and while I have more than five hours of footage interviewing John, I know only a select few will see everything - John and his friend Pete, and Cynthia and Julian.

John has expressed that they be given the opportunity to decide if they want to see and hear what he has to say, and now, observing first hand his and Pete's reactions, that I see this could end up in more heartbreak for John....
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This last week has been very trying for Mum and I, especially after seeing Dad and talking with him at his house. Mum has struggled to deal with seeing Dad again after all this time, and I have heard her crying herself to sleep every night since.

Me, well I have been feeling so many different emotions, and while I have not had the relationship with Dad I should have had I also know so much time has passed, and I am not sure whether I want him in my life.

I keep replaying my life over and over, and as much as I want to give Dad one last chance, I am also aware of how much he has hurt Mum and I - to the point of questioning what we ever did for him to treat us that way.

Mum has told me it is my choice, but if I refuse to give him this chance I may regret it. I don't want Mum to feel I am choosing Dad over her, however, I can see this is truly hurting her. No matter what happens, Mum always comes first......